The 80's want everyone to know that Mr. Simmons is alive and well.

Prime Minster Theresa May told reporters this morning, at an impromptu gaggle to which we were not invited, that she is set to use her soon to be confirmed power to trigger Article 50 in the 'most unexpected negotiatingly strategic way possible'.

Modern man, it seems, has been much too generous in his estimation of the supposed “fathers of science”.

Vice President Mike Pence took a comprehensive tour of Auschwitz Sunday, spending nearly 12 hours at the World War II-era concentration camp.

I have standards, and I hold myself in high regard when it comes to the ethics of who's going to spit shine my three wood.

A 36 year old man is ‘determined’ to filter out extraneous information so that he can recall those parts of the weather forecast which might be relevant to his life. “I always intend to remember the forecast”, he told reporters, “but then it goes on and on about fronts in Northern Ireland and the overnight...

Studio City, CA—The Hallmark Channel has released a statement apologizing for the airing all seven movies from the Saw franchise on prime time television last Sunday. The network would like to remind its viewers this was a single incident, or seven single incidents (if you want to get technical), but Hallmark wants to reassure its viewers that they plan to remain dedicated to producing really lame family-targeted entertainment. The…

MOSCOW – The “Kremlin Gremlin” today issued a new policy order demanding that President Trump and other world leaders over the height of 5’7” must, in the future, approach him “on their knees or elf. I mean else."

"Just tryin' ta help," he says, while transferring more funds to his offshore bank account. A painful process to watch, unless yer putting the fifth hole at Mar-a-Lago.

Miami Lawyer's pants burst into flames during closing arguments in an arson case.

For every young gazelle killed by a lion for food, a puppy, too, must also be sacrificially exsanguinated by Steve Bannon to the Dark King of Babylon.

e ghost of James Buchanan, 15th president of the USA, has asked the world to be patient and see how things pan out with Donald Trump. Buchanan, who served one term from 1856 to 1860, failed to prevent the slide to civil war due to his own inertia and pigheaded lack of vision. Most analysts have ranked him plum last of the 43 presidents to date in almost every respect.

‘Four years is a long time, people can change,’ Buchanan’s disembodied spirit said, while wandering disconsolately around a graveyard in rural Pennsylvania and saying ‘wooooo’ for no obvious reason. ‘For instance, I came into o

Kidding. But seeing how he is the grandfather of polarization, we did tweak the cover for him a bit.

Women’s protest leaves men everywhere helpless In the wake of the “A Day Without Women” protest, the nation is still coping with the ripple effect of a world absent the feminine touch. Schools, restaurants, hospitals and even strip clubs were a colder, darker place, and the message did not go unnoticed.

With both countries suffering from a lack of true political leadership, British and American police joined forces to find ‘missing’ competent politicians. However, after an extensive six month search, police on both sides of the Atlantic have given up the search.

The Trump administration takes a surprisingly progressive stance with cabinet members.

"I kin fix dis, damn it, just pry dat crowbar right here ...."

Local Dallas resident, Eric Naughtbright, was shocked by the punctuation-filled response he received after asking his wife of eight years if she was having her exclamation point again.

Obama Tapped My Wires And So Much More

You’d think that five days spent in bed would represent some kind of paradise. Particularly to someone like me, who enjoys their bed. But when it is enforced by illness, it quickly becomes a kind of Hell. Having spent the better part of what was meant to be a week off of work largely confined to bed thanks to a cold which just wouldn’t let go, I can honestly say that it ruins the bed experience.