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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Headlines - 07/25/2014

Glossy News

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

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The World's Voice of Reason

"The best use of wobble vision I have ever seen on YouTube."

The Red Shtick

Talk 107.3's Kevin Gallagher joins Jeremy and Sunny to discuss (un)fortunate names, St. George on PBS, comic book shockers, and a white African princess.

News Mutiny

Thousands of accompanied minors who swarmed across the US border in recent months have begun taking the jobs of America's boys and girls.

The Dandy Goat

Goldline, one of the largest vendors of precious metals, would like to remind you now is the best time to buy gold.

Random Perspective

Making iPads even more productive in the workplace.

NewsBiscuit

A ceasefire plan was quickly drawn up, based on the assumption that for humanitarian reasons families on both sides of the border would need to stock up on vital Quorn supplies.

The Newsosphere

“If I have learned one thing from this,” added Perry, “then I have failed as a politician.”

Iron E-News

Lawmakers start asking how to get some people out of the country. #satire #humor #immigration

The Adobo Chronicles

Comprehensive immigration reform legislation may be dead this year in the U.S. Congress, but it hasn’t stopped President Barack Obama from using his executive powers to try to fix the country’s broken immigration system.

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