Check Please!
A———————study was released last week detailing a dramatic increase in the number of people who battle with narco—————————tics, wait, excuse me, narcolepsy.  I’m sure that plenty of people struggle with narcotics too.
As a community service, allow me to dive into some hour-by-hour trends I’ve noted on the typical Friday night babysit, with a few tips for dealing with those trends.
Washington—The republican healthcare plan designed to replace Obamacare remains in critical condition at this hour. Trump spent the last day before the crucial vote trying to woo conservative support by learning what the word ‘woo’ means. Many in the House Freedom Caucus are attacking the Trumpcare bill from the right. Congressman Aschlocke (R-AK) told the Discord today, “The American…
WILLIAMSTOWN, KY – Televangelist Pat Robertson announced today that President Donald Trump is in fact “Jesus Christ Himself, come again, as He promised, to bring us all to Rapture and Saviority.”
Ivanka scores space in daddy's West Wing for a classy sales pitch. Eat yer heart out, Nordstroms.
Does your new haircut scream stylish or white power? Use this guide to see where you fall on the spectrum from well-meaning hipster to Richard Spencer.
A mock terror exercise has been held to simulate a mock terror attack on the city of London. Mock terror has been on the rise since Donald Trump took over as President of the USA, notably the Bowling Green Massacre and whatever happened last night in Sweden.
Tweet Tower—In an effort to cut both cost and interest, the White House tour is proud to announce a President Trump narrated audio tour. You can listen to our president go room by room and talk directly into your head about all the historical items that he believes can talk directly into his. The first historical item on…
“Don’t cry about the news — laugh about it, with the Humor Times!” That’s our motto, and we cover the news like no one else: say goodbye to the droll, hello to the hilarious. Political satire at its best.
Jerry Fannersgraft was sitting in his college Bio class when, out of the blue, it dawned on him: That one time his dad came into his room sweaty and disheveled, muttering something about The Lion King was in fact “The Sex Talk”. Immediately after this thought, he felt quite ill.
Did Trump's CIA hacked TV capture footage of president pleasuring himself to TV programme? Experts fear presidential 'sex video' could now be in hands of Wikileaks. Did Nigel Farage visit Julian Assange in attempt to retrieve video on behalf of Trump?
The overgrown man-child still requires adult supervision at night time, and only immigrants seem willing to handle to task.
"...kids whose parents appear on FNC think the judge could be part werewolf. “You should see him coming out of the pool at company picnics. With that low hairline, he looks like a stocky sheepdog.”
Compared to investment banking, my colleagues tell me acting is almost completely recession-proof. People will buy tickets to shows even if they don't have the money to buy them!
Tributes have poured in after the passing of Martin McChuckle, who was most famous as one of the comedy slapstick duo the Chuckle Brothers. Together with the Reverend Ian Chuckle, McChuckle brought tears to the eyes of widows and children across the province through their routines about punishment beatings.
Tweet Tower—By all accounts President Trump’s joint press conference with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, really sucked. Many in the press equate the event to watching a librarian look on helplessly as a pack of baboons ransack the silent reading area. For starters Trump refused to shake the Chancellor’s hand. He then explained, “There’s a secret ‘real’ world leader handshake, uh,…
“National Opposites Day is a day that will live in infamy, and I’m the first president to say that,” said Trump. In a desperate attempt to move beyond the accusations made by the White House that former President Barack Obama had wiretap surveillance installed at Trump Tower, Donald Trump has retroactively declared March 4th...
Donald's .357 tries to match Kim Jong Un's antiaircraft guns. Tillerson weighs in over the nuclear button. Brinksmanship? No, it's reckless stupidity.

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