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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Headlines - 12/22/2014

The World's Voice of Reason

Seth Rogen has been invited to North Korea for a peace meeting, a seventy-five star general from North Korea announced last night.

mouthfrog

“Where are the babies being left for dead in garbage cans? I didn’t realize it but it makes me feel better about my own inadequacies."

The Red Shtick

2014 National #AirSex Champion Adam "Tootnanny" Wilson sits down with Jeremy White and tells him what it took to win Brooklyn's first major sports title since 1955.

The Adobo Chronicles

He will lead an elite Coast Guard Squadron to patrol the South China Sea.

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The new offering allows Amazon to stay one step ahead of its competitors and also paves the way for Amazon Telepathy, which delivers items before they are ordered.

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