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Report Confirms Fingers All You Need to Type on Keyboard

The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him.

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Scientists Hard At Work Creating Monologues for New Lab-Grown Vaginas

With the advent of the first-ever vagina created in a lab, scientists are working around the clock to write appropriate monologues for the high-tech body part. One scientist on the project admitted, 'I didn't go into science to engage in creative writing, but my colleagues and I feel it is incumbent upon us to provide women who receive our synthetic vagina the same quality of monologues that other women enjoy.'

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Procrastination Not Covered Under Affordable Care Act

According to most psychologists, the underlying causes of procrastination are largely mental, and as such, are not covered under most major medical insurance or even standard health insurance policies. Unless, of course, you can prove that the procrastination caused a stress-related illness, such as a severe case of hives or even a nervous tic.

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NFL Star's Deal Inspires New York Jock Exchange

According to the Associated Press, Fantex plans to conduct an initial public offering of stock (Wall Street wheeler-dealers call this an IPO) after getting regulatory approval from the Securities and Exchange Commission, selling some 421,100 shares of stock at $10 apiece.

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Why Men Take So Long To Tie Our Own Shoes

Though I'm pretty confident with my skill to tie my shoes, at a brisk pace, I understand there are other places in the home where I might look around helplessly, stunned, as if someone asked me to quickly calculate the area under the curve of the Liberty Bell, whereas I've only been asked to locate the large, white, gallon milk jug in the refrigerator.

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Headlines - 04/24/2014

Reidicule News

One measure authorities recommend is increasing TSA staff because “by sheer volume, it increases the odds that the items they’re stealing from your luggage might incidentally be an explosive device.”

The World's Voice of Reason

It has long been one of those things people said. But do blondes really have more fun?

Well, yes, according to a 5 year survey of 23,567 women of various coloured hair carried out by the University Of WeveGotnothingelse, Todo.

NewsBiscuit

Social services have observed a spiked increase in the number of Jacobs and Jemimas left outside orphanages with nothing but a small bowl of couscous, a Boden catalogue and a £20 M&S voucher.

Glossy News

“I’ve never seen him move so well,” said Officer Eugene Hall after chasing the cutout for several feet before hunching over to catch his breath.

The Newsosphere

“Our state has some of the best protections for gun owners in the United States,” said Deal . “And today we strengthen those rights protected by our nation’s most revered founding document, the magazine ‘Guns and Ammo’.”

News Mutiny

Koch Industries has introduced a new line of Congressman they hope will take Capitol Hill by storm this November.

Humor Times

As Ukraine sits on the brink of a full-scale international conflict and Putin debates over whether or not to make Kiev Russia’s new capital, President Obama has decided to defuse tensions by changing those old and prickly ultimatums with softer, less judgmental suggestions.

The Adobo Chronicles

It’s all in the genes. It has been long established that the genetic makeup in people determines not only the color of their skin, eyes and hair but also their susceptibility to certain diseases and conditions.

Now researchers at the Department of Genetics of Stanford University School of Medicine have uncovered the gene responsible for making Filipinos such good singers and musicians. It’s called PH-13, found only among Filipinos

Recoil magazine

An afterlife consultant confirmed Friday that the lingering spirit of Daryl Riley, a deceased neurotic investment banker whose middle years of mortal life had been plagued by a sense of the passing of his youth and the imminence of old age, and regret regarding past career and personal decisions, is currently exhibiting telltale symptoms of experiencing an after-life crisis while haunting his former Newport home.

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