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Judge Declares Fast-Food Jobs Not Real; Industry Turns Existential

'If there's no job, then there's no meal. And if there's no meal, how could it possibly be a 'happy' one? What is happiness, after all??' he asked.

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Pfizer, Walmart, Apple Claim Religious Objection to Paying Taxes

Exxon Mobil announced that it had religious objections to cleaning up oil spills. It also announced that, as a person, it would appreciate it if people would be courteous enough to hold the door for it when it was rushing to get on the elevator. It added that it was fairly certain that some people actually punched the 'close doors' button just to prevent it from getting on.

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Nose Picking In Your Car Now A Class 3 Felony In Five States

Governor Walker admits he knew this would not be one of his most popular pieces of legislation. 'I got together with some other local Governors and we all decided that this needed to happen. I was elected by the people to protect and serve. Not to be popular. This is in the best interest of the health of our people and frankly it will eliminate one of the most disgusting acts I can think of. Nothing will go fully into…

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Real Life Comes to Sudden, Poorly Resolved End

'So Aubrey's walking along one day and, whamo! She just gets flattened by a bus? That's pretty lame,' remarked Burkhart's friend Laura Sanders, 'I mean, what about her rekindled romance with Matt? Or her dream of becoming an interior decorator?'

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Ann Coulter, Trying to Top Self, Agrees to Pose for Playboy

Interviewed in her Manhattan apartment Coulter admitted that lately it had become harder and harder to gratuitously shock people. 'The trouble is, the GOP right wing has already occupied the best ridiculous positions, like letting people without health insurance die in the streets, so that by the time I get round to them they’re already old asshat.'

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Headlines - 09/19/2014

Random Perspective

Tim Cook encounters a problem while installing iOS 8

The Adobo Chronicles

She is calling it the "At-Large" State and will include all American expatriates living abroad.

The Red Shtick

We've put together a simple guide showing how to delicately purge your Facebook friends list of people who have passed on.

CAP News

The study attempts to ameliorate the negative stereotypes associated with angry parenting and affirm that lashing out can be both healthy as well as therapeutic.

The Dandy Goat

Remember when you first heard that awesome song “Somebody I Used to Know,” and you told your friends about this great new musician GOT-yuh? And do you remember how they laughed mercilessly, telling you Gotye is pronounced like Gaultier, as in Jean-Paul Gaultier, idiot?

The World's Voice of Reason

"What the fook?"

Humor Times

New iWatch Technology "Increases levels of intimacy for consenting users." #apple #iwatch #iphone

News Mutiny

The Washington Redskins have cut running back Alfred Morris and the NFL has suspended him indefinitely after it was revealed that he is a member of ISIS.

mouthfrog

Is it really a surprise that Rosie O'Donnell would be our savior and tool to save this planet in some capacity? I may say yes but if you really think about it you know your answer is no.

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