Check Please!

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton repeated her belief that being a woman was a professional qualification for the presidency, and told women they must vote for her because she is also a woman. In doing so, Secretary Clinton's logic inadvertently told American women they must also vote for the likes of Sarah Palin and Carly Fiorina simply because they were also women, which automatically made them qualified for the presidency.

“You want a leader who can stand up to Washington?” said the smarmy sociopath in the ad. “C’mon. I just spent two hours giving Congress the middle finger to its face. Literally. I make Trump look like an amateur.”

They'd originally said they would claim the launch in 2 weeks time but following Kim Jong-Un's early triumph on an online Photoshop course, they now feel confident the made-up rocket firing would 'take-place' next week.

I’m not changing the Constitution, Pokey! I just added the beer mugs. The Founding Fathers would eat that shit up, or in this case drink. Thursday’s Dem debate showed two conscientious people who understand the intricacies of today’s problems. They offered real strategies, solutions, specifics and even the historical context behind each issue. Republicans, meanwhile, sound like no one studied for…

A colleague recently posted an intriguing question on my favorite Facebook Librarian hangout: “If you were being sold in a library book sale, which table would you be on?” She had her first response within seconds: Damaged. Quickly followed by: Mystery! Adventure. Bible stories. (I’m born again.) True Crime...

SANTA CLARA, CA — According to several reports from eyewitnesses that have seen him just hours before Super Bowl 50 is t…

Oxford, MA – (satireworld.com)

Presidential candidate Bernie Saunders (D-commie) has successfully completed his first complete ‘BM’ in over twenty years says People Magazine. In recent years Saunders had been plagued with chronic intestinal problems and has sought relief from specialists across the country but to no avail.

CONCORD, New Hampshire (The Adobo Chronicles) - Despite his second-place finish in last week's Iowa Caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is confident he will win his party's nomination for the 2016 elections.  To reinforce his confidence, he has named his vice presidential running mate.  Martin Shkreli. Shkreli is an American entrepreneur and financial and pharmaceutical…

Moscow, Russia – (satireworld.com)

Is US President Barack Obama a dickhead? Well, forensic scientists in Moscow seem to believe so and have released medical files as proof, some dating back to 2000 that reportedly show Barack Obama’s unique cranial cerebellum composition.

"Forty-three percent of American voters are very disturbed by Bernie Sanders, because they see his honesty and consistent record as something comparable to a dragon or a unicorn," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who noted dragons and unicorns were viewed less favorably than Sanders and more favorably than Hillary Clinton.

This sudden influx of mediocre ‘objectionables’ or deficit of exceptional morons (depending on your perspective), leads to the questions - how do you vote for the lesser of all evils, if everyone has cloven hooves and pitchfolk?

by Jim Hightower.An undemocratic, unelected “emergency manager” and the governor’s cost-cutting austerity mania doomed Flint residents. The mantra of every Koch-headed, right-wing politico is that government should be run like a business, always focused on cutting costs. Welcome to Flint, Michigan. This impoverished, mostly African-American city has indeed been run like a private corporation since Republican Gov. [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

"I’ve got mad skills. I can jump and run and throw. I can also drink lots and lots of alcohol and still make a woman be quiet or put her in her place. References available upon request.”

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears head coach John Fox wept himself to sleep last night while browsing through Facebook and Instagr…

Pentagon – (satireworld.com)

On Thursday, Defense Ash Carter and Army Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, signed an order that officially rescinded the ban on women serving in combat. This was in part due to pressure from the White House which was eager to show that the President was upholding his Democratic vision of equal rights.

I just lost another Facebook friend.
(satireworld.com)
She started a diatribe defending Obama and saying how much he loved this country and how much he was doing for this country. She said that people who opposed him were just selfish and looking out for themselves (which is the definition of selfish, but I didn’t point out her being redundant). It is also the fault of Republicans that her mixed race son is unsafe and she worries that someone will kill him.

SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - Thousands of Giants fans are expected to descend upon Super Bowl City in San Francisco this Saturday to protest what they are calling a city-sponsored event that discriminates against baseball fans. Although Super Bowl 50 between the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers will actually be held at Levi's Stadium…

Dallas, TX – (satireworld.com)

With the ninth pick in the eight round of the NFL draft, the *Dallas Cowboys* selected Pippa Middleton. She was not chosen to be a tight end or a punter or a cornerback. In fact, she had not even played NCAA football or even opted in to the draft. The *Cowboys* chose Miss Middleton based on her “other talents” to be a member of their famous cheerleading squad.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded Americans the speaking fees and other forms of compensation she had received from Wall Street were completely legal. Secretary Clinton's public service announcement was her response to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont accusing her of corruption and being a pawn of Wall Street, which he repeated during their debate last night.

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