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SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - Thousands of Giants fans are expected to descend upon Super Bowl City in San Francisco this Saturday to protest what they are calling a city-sponsored event that discriminates against baseball fans. Although Super Bowl 50 between the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers will actually be held at Levi's Stadium…

Dallas, TX – (

With the ninth pick in the eight round of the NFL draft, the *Dallas Cowboys* selected Pippa Middleton. She was not chosen to be a tight end or a punter or a cornerback. In fact, she had not even played NCAA football or even opted in to the draft. The *Cowboys* chose Miss Middleton based on her “other talents” to be a member of their famous cheerleading squad.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded Americans the speaking fees and other forms of compensation she had received from Wall Street were completely legal. Secretary Clinton's public service announcement was her response to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont accusing her of corruption and being a pawn of Wall Street, which he repeated during their debate last night.

PORTLAND, OR — "We had no idea the nasty stench that stuff was covering up."

‘It’s been so long since interest rates were increased that we’ve all forgotten how to do it’ said Carney. ‘There was a CD-ROM thingy that I was given on my first day that explained it all but I’ll buggered if I can find it.

You have nerve ridiculing the Republican primary process, Zano. You want to sound like you’re backing Bernie Sanders until he might actually win and then you start back peddling faster than Lance Armstrong in a sharknado. “But I danno if Sanders is electable in the general election.” Boo hoo. This is code for Closeted Hillary Supporter (CHS). Last year, I thought the…

I submit that most actors who appear in movies made by the Coen brothers must be falling all over themselves to get even a small part in whatever new project Joel and Ethan have hatched. Such is the case with the one that’s just opened...

In an unprecedented scandal that has the U.S. Census Bureau reeling, it has been revealed that New Hampshire is actually a small state of no particular significance.

ANN ARBOR, MICH. — Michigan Wolverines head coach Jim Harbaugh has announced that he will open his home as a foster pare…

Cologne, Germany (

Oh, here we go! This shit is barely even worth refuting. Look, you may talk about ‘freedom of dancing, freedom of singing, freedom of whatever,’ but let me tell you something, you hateful bigot. Freedom of speech demands accountability; hate speech isn’t freedom of speech. By definition! So, by that very logic, freedom of gallivanting around also demands accountability.

David Cameron, still the prime minister, has sorted that Europe thing out he said he would, according to David Cameron today.

CONCORD, NH (The Barbed Wire) - Maggie Hassan, governor of New Hampshire, has issued a state of emergency for the entire state of New Hampshire. The governor said the state has become saturated with political ads, with reports of some needing to be rescued from said ads. 9-1-1 operators say calls are coming in from people screaming that they are drowning in political ads.

"The F-35 can be utilized about twelve times every year. In between these missions it will require weeks of maintenance to address the damage it sustained from being exposed to direct sunlight, rain, wind, and the Earth's atmosphere," explained Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

PORTLAND, OR — That's because as of yesterday, Bullseye Glass Co., located at SE 21st & Powell, temporarily ceased the practice of pumping the two toxic carcinogens into the air at dozens of times the maximum safe level.

'The family has been waiting many years for this piece of paper...' at this point he started searching his pockets and looking worried.

Tampa Bay, FL—Clint Eastwood’s chair is once again making a bit of a stir on the campaign trail. The chair, best known for its appearance during the 2012 republican National Convention, told reporters it has received several calls from republican frontrunners regarding the possibility of joining their ticket. The chair was pivotal in helping Clint…

The Center for Disease Control went into emergency session today to counter what one source called “the galloping Affluenza epidemic” sweeping through the nation’s ruling class. First detected 2013 in the case of 17-year old Ethan Crouch...

“Talk about betrayal,” fumed Prescott Harris, of Eastport, Maine. “Clarissa promised to love, honor, and obey, not vote for some socialist Jew.”

And Trump had better think twice about being mean to any son of Barbara.

SANTA CLARA, CA — Peyton Manning may not be sure yet about his future in football, but he’s sure about the car his close…

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