Obama Tapped My Wires And So Much More

Damn you, Obama why are you doing this to me? and to think, I actually voted for you twice.

I was talking on my cellphone a few days ago and I heard some weird clicking noises. Wouldn’t you know, It was Obama tapping my phone!

Later in the afternoon that very same day, I went online and checked my bank balance, There was a lot less money than I expected, WTF…It was Obama!

The next morning, Monday, a work day for me. I stopped at the only gas station in town that is open a 5:00 AM, and much to my dismay I found out they were out of regular gas. Evidently, Obama had shown up just before me with a tanker truck and bought up all the regular gas they had. Damn you, Obama! Luckily, I had enough gas to get to work. Damn you, Obama!

During my 65 mile trek to work, there was a huge traffic backup. I finally got to the car directly ahead of me, who was driving like 15 miles below the speed limit, during morning rush hour and was desperately trying to pass this slow driver with Illinois plates. I assumed that it was one of the elderly snowbirds here in Florida which are the bane of my existence between Thanksgiving and Easter.

I finally got my opening. I hit the gas and here I go. I looked over and who do you think I saw? It was Obama!

At this point, I was really starting to get freaked out. My drive home was pretty uneventful. I got gas for the ride home, and everything was great. No problems whatsoever. Evidently, Obama has to sleep sometimes, so everything went smoothly.

I arrived home in good time.

Upon arriving at the house, I came inside greeted Homer, the dog and the cat, Isabella, you know the usual. I then noticed that the bedroom door was open. That’s weird, I thought. I went into the bedroom and saw much to my dismay that the bed was messed up. Homer, the dog denied any knowledge of it. So obviously, it was Obama!

I went into the bathroom and the toilet seat was left up, Damn you, Obama now you’re just fucking with me!

Obama continued to mess with me for several more days and every time, I knew that it was Obama!

I know that this sounds totally absurd, right? and you know what, it is. Obama never did any of these things, at least not that I know of.

My point is, this is equally absurd, no matter who says it. You could be a story teller like myself, an uninformed citizen, or The President of the United States.

I can do the same sort of thing to Homer, the dog, every day, just by saying “squirrel”. Homer shoots out of the house, as fast as his little legs can carry him, goes outside, and starts barking like a lunatic, looking for the ever elusive squirrel. Even though Homer has zero evidence that there is actually a squirrel out there, he believes it every time I say it.

Homer

Homer, literally falls for it every single time!

Don’t be like Homer, the dog!

SQUIRREL!

 

As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This essay loosely based on “actual news events” is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.