48 year-old Rick Motter of Sarasota, Florida etched the letters 'JO' into the back of his hand with a ballpoint pen this morning, a quick reminder to his future self to masturbate later in the day.
Def Leppard announced today that they have replaced longtime drummer Rick Allen with Carlos Moreno, a one-armed itinerant percussionist from Chihuahua, Mexico.
Speaking to members of the press for the first time since tendering his resignation as Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency on Thursday, Scott Pruitt vowed that he would continue his war on the environment in his free time as a citizen.
The Trump Administration announced today that it will offer a $5,000 rebate to anyone who purchases a 1983 Chrysler LeBaron through the year 2020.
Federal officials say they have reunited more than 200 migrant families with their Central American gangs back home after they were detained trying to cross the US border under Donald Trump's Zero Tolerance policy for illegal entry into the United States.
Hailed as a landmark achievement for the African American community, the pick nevertheless has some fans crying "foul".
Attorney General Jeff Sessions today once again turned to The Bible when pressed with more heated questions regarding the Trump Administration's policy of separating the children of men and women caught attempting to illegally cross into The United States - this time however to a series of passages that have heretofore never existed.
Calling their Cleveland Cavaliers team the "true champions", Donald Trump invited Kevin Love and Kyle Korver to the White House for an NBA title celebration today.
Alice Marie Johnson is back in hot water with authorities after an early morning raid of the recently pardoned great grandmother's residence in Memphis Sunday netted over $4 million worth of ecstasy pills.
Today's White House press briefing took a dramatic turn when Press Secretary Sarah Sanders smacked a boy straight across the mouth.
A study published by the National Rifle Association today reports that less than half of one percent of America's pre-college-aged children were killed in a mass school shooting during the year 2018.
Responding to reports showing lowering birth rates across the nation, the Department of Education is rolling out a controversial new campaign titled "Just the Tip" that tells teens that it's okay to engage in unprotected sex for brief periods of time.
Dedicated to 'Covering female issues from a male perspective', Rose and a panel comprised of Scott Baio, Anthony Weiner and Oliver Stone spent the program's inaugural episode exploring topics ranging from the #MeToo movement and ladies-only gyms to the pros and cons of tampons.
A man who used an assault rifle to save a Hawaiian neighborhood from a flow of hot lava is being hailed as a hero today.
Seeking to "stem the flow of rumor and innuendo", Donald Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani acknowledged the existence of a non-disclosure agreement between the President and Barkie the dog, a Corgi who Trump reportedly spent part of an afternoon with during the run-up to the 2016 election.
Remarks made by the President earlier this week disparaging paralympic athletes have actually reinforced his standing among those who support him, once again confounding the expectations of the rest of the country, a new pair of polls show.
"Unlike some places, Dunkin' Donuts welcomes all races through its doors without prejudice or discrimination," Dunkin' Donuts Spokesman Riley Lahler remarked. "Black, White, Mexican, Oriental, everybody is family at Dunkin'."
Tracing their history back to the old roman tavern era, public houses have been the scummy cornerstone of the British community for centuries and should be avoided by tourists at all costs.
Pointing to evidence that the water was deliberately contaminated with botulinum toxin by the Syrian government, the US claims the act constitutes a clear transgression of the allies ultimatum against chemical weapons - an assessment the Assad regime emphatically denies.
A caravan of over 200 Central American biochemists heading for the US will compete for American jobs once they cross the border, its organizers say.