Merrick

The New York Jets bolstered their injury-depleted stock of quarterbacks today by signing Kaleb Coppernik to a one-year deal. Coppernik, who last played football in 2018 for Penn State Gettysburg, threw for 15 touchdowns and 14 interceptions en route to leading the Carpetbaggers to a 6-5 record in the Mountain Valley Conference his senior year.

Derricka Crude, conservative America’s answer to Swedish climate change icon Greta Thunberg, is calling out the Scandinavian activist, challenging her to a steel cage match at this year’s WWE Survivor Series in November.

As social media platforms continue to transform the landscape of modern marketing, more people interested in not doing anything meaningful with their lives are having success as online influencers. But why not you? Some possible reasons:

With social media assuming a larger role in shaping the way consumers feel about everything from the brand of sneakers they wear to the restaurants they used to think they liked, people can usually rest assured that online influencers will steer them in the right direction when it comes to what to spend their money on.

Opening fire outside a Marshall's just after 10:30 a.m., the man, Austin Travis, or Travis Austin, 22, shot and wounded three people before a fourth ran away.

The Peterson family of Escondido, California was shocked to discover this week that their mother and grandmother Rosemary - who went missing from her nursing home in June - has been living amongst the local Indians' casino these past three months.

Occurring just minutes after wrapping a recorded interview with ESPN at the network's Manhattan studios, the former quarterback was severely injured when he stepped out into 5th Avenue traffic without looking.

Beating out Old Lady with Rheumatoid Arthritis Doing Yoga as well as perrenial favorite Jessica Clayborne for her riviting turn as an incontinent septegenarian who goes to the driving range, McAdam's other credits include: Woman with Crohn's Disease Forced to Spend Rock Concert in Port-A-Potty and Bi-Polar Woman Who Participates in Chili Cookoff.

Though details have yet to emerge, it can be deduced that the 79 year-old Easy Rider star was one of possibly a dozen or more residents and staff killed when an as-yet identified shooter stormed the nursing home in which he was living and opened fire with a high-powered assault rifle.

"For years and years the White Aryan race has been loosing power to the mongrel races. This must stop!" So begins the manifesto of Aiden Vogel, a 22 year-old White Supremacist who attempted to commit a mass shooting outside a Denver-area Lowes this week, calling into serious question not only his own supremacy, but that of Anglo Americans in general.

Somehow left empowered to determine highly impactful fiscal policy over the world's largest economy, the ape, which is actually a rare species of short-armed orangutan, sent global markets reeling this morning after a year-long temper tantrum culminated in the Chinese devaluing their currency.

A research article appearing in this month's first-ever issue of Ladies Science reveals that ocassional butt play can significantly reduce a woman's chances of developing butt cancer.

A staunch advocate of Trump's policies and avid follower of his Twitter feed, Morales has dedicated the last two-and-a-half years to taking his first steps towards becoming a US citizen "the right way" - including learning English from none other than the President himself.

Local grandmother of six Carol Macey was made the victim of a public grandma-shaming at the home of one of her three daughters Saturday, the 75 year-old has reported.

Commenting that, "It was just time," Paul family spokesperson Robin Paul thanked her son for the 34 years he's spent as a son, father, husband and sibling to her and her husband Charles, his brother C.J., his wife Jada and their two children.

In a dramatic turn of events surrounding the case against Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire financier walked free from a Manhattan courthouse Thursday afternoon as charges of conspiracy and evidence tampering were being filed against each of his accusers.

"There were fighter jets and tanks and real-life soldiers and all kinds of stuff," Lupke said. "Also, I had an ice cream cone and a whole big bag of popcorn all to myself."

Eric Trump took home the first-ever Nobler Prize today, a new award invented by his father to recognize achievements in science that will be "much more prestigious" than the Nobel Prize, according to the President.

Another baseball fan was injured by a ball batted into the stands yesterday, causing some to call 'foul!' on the Hispanic players they suspect might be intentionally targeting white spectators.

The White House announced today that the first of several planned clones of Donald Trump has been generated, a first step towards enabling his administration to extend decades, if not centuries.