IRAQ & SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - The Islamic State announced today its long-term goal was to be more deadly to Americans than armed Americans. The terrorist group released its statement after getting its hands on statistics showing tens of thousands more Americans have been killed by other Americans with guns than by all Islamic terrorist attacks and all wars combined since September 10th, 2001.

Pluto, the one time planet finally pictured by NASA after a probe traveled 9 zillion-gagillion-billion miles to see it close up for the first time yesterday, is also a Greek God who presides over the afterlife, it has been discovered.

NEW YORK (The Barbed Wire) - The Republican presidential field is scrambling this week to find a way forward after the shocking, recent departures of John McCain's BFF, Lindsey Graham, and former New York governor George Pataki. The announcements also crushed the dreams of millions who were hoping to see the first male president named Lindsey.

There were hopes that Bingo's unprecedented educational accomplishments would herald a new era of human-canine understanding, presenting society with a perspective unfettered by human conventions and limitations. But Bingo's discourses have so far not met these expectations.

The U.S. Government made the following announcements today that are in preparation of New Year’s Eve 2016. All the preparations, listed below, have roots in traditional superstitions.

"The military uses for this are endless. Especially for crazy bald bad guys with cats." Jessie Krufts, James Bond Impersonator

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this evening, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released 394 cockfighting videos allegedly related to an illegal cockfighting and gambling ring run by Donald Trump - another Republican presidential candidate. Trump quickly denied any role in illegal cockfighting or gambling, and said he "loves cocks" and would never put two roosters into a cockpit to brawl.

NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) — Ground broke Monday on the President Donald J. Trump Library and Museum in Upper Manhattan.  Funded solely by Donald J. Trump, the $1.5 billion project is touted to be the largest of all the other presidential libraries.

ANKENY, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie yelled at his one millionth American, but did not know it until this morning when he updated his "Bully Diary," which records his yelling exploits. The lucky American to be shouted down by Christie for approximately five minutes was an unidentified gun rights activist, who decided to challenge Christie's record on guns.

"How tall is that Police Officer if that camera is her body cam?" Jessie Krufts, Shortist

With its myriad of natural delights and seasonal climactic appeal, the beach attracts millions of Americans each and every year. Though fun for some, the beach can also be an extremely dangerous and terrifying place.

The Conservative party will from now on base their handling of the migrant crisis on hit TV show The Walking Dead.

AUSTIN, Texas--Governor Greg Abbott has responded to growing concerns from residents all across the state who believe the Perseids Meteor Shower to be a carefully orchestrated ruse that the Obama administration plans to use to steal their guns, abort their babies, smuggle disease-ridden brown people across their borders, marry their gays, and educate their children.…

GOP newcomer Racist Gorilla has taken a commanding lead over all his Republican rivals just one week after announcing his candidacy for president, every major national poll now indicates.

Carrot after a recent arrest PAWNEE, Illinois--Two years ago Carrot, a seven-year-old Australian Shepherd mix, made national headlines when he was named as the sole beneficiary in the will of his owner, Mary Stewart, who left her entire $30 million estate to the dog.  This week Carrot was in the news again when it was…

Hundreds of greedy, lying bastards are busily working on persuasive arguments to present to National Lottery organizer Camelot...

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Pfizer, the same drug manufacturing company that distributes viagra, the erectile dysfunction pill for men, has announced that it is now recruiting participants for Phase 3 clinical trials on a new investigative drug that could reverse homosexuality. The New York-based company told reporters that it has successfully completed…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA poll discovered 71% of Americans were in favor of renewed hostilities between Fox News and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The mutually assured destruction of both lying, far-right, and bigoted entities was seen as a positive for the political discourse of the country.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is about to get a dose of his own medicine. Trump has been very vocal in the campaign trail about his dislike for immigrants and has called on the Department of Homeland Security to deport all anchor babies -- children born in the U.S.…

“It’s both magnificent and horrifying,” tweeted Stimpson as the waitress placed the enormous burger before him. “Much like America, truth be told.”