Beach Tips for Nerds

With its myriad of natural delights and seasonal climactic appeal, the beach attracts millions of Americans each and every year. Though fun for some, the beach can also be an extremely dangerous and terrifying place. The following plethora of tips may be employed to mitigate the risk you face on your next coastal voyage.

• One fun thing to do at the beach is to search for buried treasure with a metal detector. Be aware, however, that upon finding anything of any value whatsoever that you will be beaten and robbed.

• When shaking the sand from your towel, make sure that you are at least 50 feet away from any men, women or children in order to avoid a nasty beating.

• The best spots to sit on the beach are those that do not block anybody's view of the surf and provoke them to bash your head in with a cooler lid.

• Do not under any circumstances acknowledge the seagulls on the beach. These birds are very nasty and are liable to peck your toes or pick you up by your hair and pants and drop you in the ocean.

• Don't be a space invader. Make sure your towel, chair and various ointments are contained within a three-foot radius to your person so as not to antagonize those around you, inducing them to bury you in a seaweed pile.

• Swimming in the ocean is very dangerous. Unlike a private pool or bathtub, the ocean is full of sharks and surfers who might bite your leg off or deliberately steer their surfboards into your face.

• When you start to drown, waving your hands over your head and screaming for help will attract a muscular jock-type individual in red shorts to drag you back to the shore and beat you to a pulp.

• Collecting sea shells can be a very enjoyable way to spend a day at the beach, but it can also get you into big trouble. Some states and municipalities prohibit the practice, so be sure to ask the local authority or governing body before picking up your first shell in order to avoid being sent to a prison where you're likely to be raped and beaten to death.

• Avoid a nasty sunburn and public mockery by keeping your shirt on at all times. It is also recommendable to apply a balm with a minimum SPF rating of 1,000 to all exposed areas of your flesh.

• One of the many drawbacks of swimming in the ocean is the amount of sand that will accumulate in the lining of your swim trunks to rub against your legs and genitalia, causing the affected area to become terribly irritated and raw. To alleviate this awful rash, apply a nice salve or balm.

• It is likely at some point during your visit to the beach that someone will deliberately kick sand in your face. In order to avoid escalating the situation, say nothing at all or simply tell them "thank you".