Why do I always get the crappy holiday shifts?

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!

During an otherwise restful sleep, your dreams took an unexpected turn last night when German Chancellor Angela Merkel emerged from a forbidding forest to give you the location of a crucial cheat code for the video game Red Dead Redemption 2.

(Part 2 of 3) Central, Fl- Federal authorities, including members of the FBI and the Secret Service, have apparently joined the laundry list of law enforcement agencies investigating a riot that took place at the Sunset Mall Friday evening. Early…Read more Secret Service Investigate Florida ‘Orange Julius’ Mall Riot ›

To symbolize the risks one takes when they pledge loyalty based only on shared blood, one small razor blade will be hidden in the macaroni scramble.

"Honestly, it's made me think twice about dating in future. It's just not safe for cavemen these days."

My friend thinks Democrats are the main racists in today’s society as well as in the past. So liberals are secretly the alt-right, tiki-torch wielding hate mongers? Too bad that laundromat was closed on may way to Charlottesville. [Sheet out-of-luck joke removed by the editor.] What fun house mirror are you snorting PCP off of? Your trip down racism…

by Paul Lander.Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything ... Read moreRipping the Headlines Today, 11/20/18Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format. Pick up a copy at Barnes & Noble and other stores all over the U.S.

New York, NY – (satireworld.com)

The Rolling Stones are bringing their ‘All The Girls Mick Slept With’ tour to U.S. stadiums in 2019. The 13-show tour will kick off April 20th at the Hard Rock Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida and wrap up June 21st at Soldier Field in Chicago.

Although often maligned for not knowing the significance of American history, President Trump delivered an impassioned speech today to commemorate the anniversary of President Lincoln's "Gettysberg Address" in the town of Schittysberg, Kentucky.

President Trump took to Twitter today to unveil the second half of a top-10 list of who he considers the country's most boring presidents. The list concludes as follows:

SatireWorld Range and Dinner Club, USA

Nothing says Christmas like a staff photo with Santa and an AR-15! Just ask the writers at SatireWorld as they pose with jolly Ol’ St. Nick and some high-powered firearms: AK-47s, grenade launchers and machine guns.

Atlanta, Georgia

Democratic gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams said on Friday that her Republican opponent Brian Kemp would be officially declared the victor in the race, but she said her announcement was not a concession from her because that would acknowledge ‘ out-right election theft as being right.’

Television City, Hollywood – (SatireWorld.com)

Acne sufferers rejoice! A TV show is about to debut that has you in the headlines. Popular TV show host Russell Brand announced today that auditions for Can You Pop-A-Pimple has begun at Television City in Hollywood.

(Reprinted from the Mayberry Gazette) Mayberry, North Carolina – (SatireWorld.com)
It was revealed today that Opie Taylor, raised as the son of former Mayberry Sheriff, is actually the love child of former deputy Barney Fife and Andy’s late wife. Aunt Bee, Andy’s aunt, revealed the information on her death bed, saying “I can’t go to my sweet Jesus with this lie untold. Folks just gotta know and I’ve been itching nigh on fifty years to tell this to somebody.

Appearing on Good Morning America today to promote his new film Instant Family, Mark Wahlberg said the movie, "Basically sucks."

Washington DC- (satireworld.com)

Former Vice President Al Gore (supposed inventor of the Internet), noted predictor of dire, non-occurring, environmental calamities since 2000 spoke before the International Brassiere Manufacturers Association (IBMA) convention. He cautioned that the effect of plastics and oil based synthetic fibers used in Bra manufacturing are affecting the oceans of the world.

Please forward this today to everyone on your e-mail list in remembrance of all who have ever worn the uniform…and gave their yesterdays that we could have our tomorrows. This is the 100th anniversary of the Armistice that ended World War 1. Remember that “all gave some, but some gave all.”

Atlanta, GA – (satireworld.com)

Ahead by more than 600,000,000 votes days after Georgia’s gubernatorial election, Republican Brian Kemp pushed for Democrat Stacey Abrams to finally concede Saturday as civil rights groups urged her to stay in the fight even though she’s losing by more than 6 million votes.

New York NY – (satireworld.com)

Newly elected NYC Democratic-Socialist NITWIT Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has tried to send a Text Message to the new Democratic Speaker of the US House of Representatives, to be determined (TBD).