Herman Westfield is constantly turned down for dates, so much in fact that he has started to wonder why the random women he asks out without talking to them first turn him down for dates.

It’s Easter 2017 and celebrities all over the world are sending their annual shout out to God, seeking guidance on some crucial life decisions.

I am Perineum, collector of moisture and bringer of grief—assailant to love and cunning puppeteer of adolescent boys.

A father of four-year-old twins caused a full-scale police search this morning after hiding Easter Eggs seven miles from his home in West London. Former army officer Ronan Jones told his sons that an Easter Egg hunt would be held the next day, then left home at 3 a.m., taking a series of night buses and a mini-cab, before secreting the Cadbury’s Buttons eggs under a recycling skip within the perimeter fence of a yacht club in Windsor.

Sesame Street—A clear picture of President Donald Trump’s hatred for PBS, Sesame Street and for the Muppets in general is emerging. Prior to the 2005 appearance of the character Donald Grump on Sesame Street, evidence suggests President Trump was affiliated with PBS and may even be a Henson creation himself. Press Secretary Sean Spicer has requested that SNL parody this bit,…

New line of Ivanka fragrances With the wild success of her newly introduced perfume, Ivanka has announced that she will be rolling out an entire line of scents: The next will be “Putin on the Ritz.” The commercial for the fragrance will have Vladamir Putin and Ivanka dressed as Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers dancing.

Whereas the American bomb is GPS guided and has a devastating effect over a mile in all directions from the impact site, North Korea’s bomb never seems to impress anyone, no matter how hard it tries. It’s considered the black sheep of the explosives family.

Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a reader fears 'fire down below' during sex thanks to her pyrokinetic powers. Can the Rev help?

It’s tough going from the head honcho to being a number 2. What do I always say? “If you don’t punch the hog in the nose he’ll make complex international decisions without you.”

Under Construction

Chicago, Il—In response to a viral video showing a passenger being dragged off of a plane, CEO of United Airlines Oscar Munoz staged an identical scenario. Airport security bodily dragged Mr. Munoz down the aisle of an Airbus A420, before ejecting him face first onto the tarmac. Whether or not the Board of Directors ordered this stunt or it was…

‘Whoever supposed we Trumps would be mixing with the ordinary rabble on Easter? Silly people!’ – Melania Trump

United Airlines, unbeknownst to many customers, has recently begun offering additional incentives to get passengers on overbooked flights to take a later plane.  According to an airlines spokesperson, these perks are offered with the customer in mind and are “for their own damn good.”

In a statement released Tuesday, United Airlines announced that they will be expanding their slew of in-flight entertainment & dining options to include physician-assisted suicide.

BAKER, MT - In what many are calling a deeply moving and selfless act, an eastern Montana woman stepped forward today to say that she would have sex with Bill O'Reilly.

How We Snuck Up On The Syrians And Launched 59 Cruise Missiles a Multimedia Timeline!

DENVER, Colorado (The Adobo Chronicles, San Francisco Bureau) - Don't cancel that purchased United Airlines ticket of yours just yet. And think twice before you book your next flight on another airline. In a desperate move to regain its reputation and business after that unfortunate incident in which an elderly passenger was dragged out of a flight…

SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles, San Francisco Bureau) - Videos of that United Airlines flight in which an elderly man was dragged out of his seat to make room for flight crew have gone viral on the Internet.  Many of the clips show the man bleeding after he allegedly hit his mouth against the head…

Will pray to Jesus in lieu of holding town halls.

From now on, customers who order food at McDonald’s may or may not be allowed to finish their “meal” in peace.