WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles) - Tensions between Russia and the United States escalated today as Moscow received word that President Barack Obama has pardoned Turkey. Turkey, a member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) was recently accused of shooting down a Russian military plane for allegedly crossing Turkish airspace. Russian President Vladimir Putin told…

Nationwide and Papa John's terminated their endorsement deals with Peyton Manning today, joining a growing list of companies who have severed ties with the bumbling quarterback over the last week.

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan announced he was "blackout drunk" when he ordered a Russian Su-24 shot down on Tuesday. Erdoğan claimed to be completely sober again, and declared there was no reason for Russia to station naval vessels with anti-aircraft missiles closer to Turkey, or construct anti-aircraft batteries in Syria capable of shooting down aircraft in Turkish airspace.

Dog owners around the country are being warned by local and state officials to keep their pets at bay on Black Friday. PetSmart announced today that the company is launching its first ever Doggie Door Bust at every PetSmart location in the country.

Former “Cheers” actress Kirstie Alley was believed to be in hiding somewhere in California Tuesday night after the Islamic State issued a fatwa calling for her to be beheaded as an apostate.

Hollywood Stars Declare War on ISIS in Retaliation for Terrorists Continued Failure to Acknowledge their Cultural Significance by Not Attacking Los Angeles. Claim latest Attacks in Paris Have Caused Extreme Trauma to their Egos.

by Michael Egan.The Constitution ‘simply represents an ideal’ that Americans should strive for, says the man under the floppy hairpiece. NEW YORK – Mussolini look- and act-alike Donald Trump said today that the American people should “consider suspending our Constitution, temporarily of course,” until what he called the “ISIS crisis” has been resolved and everyone is safe [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed that, despite the progress made by his department, the country’s National Health Service is only held in utter contempt by the Government currently, and not yet complete disregard. As a result, he and his colleagues are set to redouble their efforts to royally piss off everyone that actually cares about NHS care, in an effort to provoke a reaction that the rest of the cabinet can pour scorn upon.

SANTA ROSA, California (The Adobo Chronicles) - Five girls wearing makeshift scout uniforms recently stood before top Boy Scout brass in Santa Rosa, California, and made an announcement: We want in. Allie Westover, 13,  along with her sister Skyler and three friends -- Ella Jacobs, Daphen Mortenson and Taylor Alcozer --told a panel of men in…

According to results of a new Gallup poll released this week, a majority of respondents admit to lying or otherwise providing incorrect responses when contacted by the organization’s pollsters.

ARTISANAL PRESS — Facebook has added a Minnesota flag filter that users can superimpose on top of their profile pictures, as a gesture of solidarity after last night’s terrorist attack in Minneapolis.

COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and rabble-rousing billionaire Donald Trump burned the original U.S. Constitution while his supporters chanted "U-S-A" during a rowdy campaign rally. It was not initially clear how Trump obtained the actual Constitution, but the hallowed American document burned much faster than Trump had expected, resulting in minor burns to both of his hands while roving bands of Brownshirts for Trump physically assaulted non-white protesters in the crowd.

The American people have overwhelmingly given their support to Donald Trump's border wall but have said it's best if Donald Trump was contained instead.

The cries for Obama to resign for his foreign policy impotence grows deafening. At last week’s G-20 Summit, the Prez expressed his overarching strategy to combat terrorism, albeit unenthusiastically. I share his Low-T response. But why the militaristic sad face? …well, Reagan’s efforts to quell the Soviet Union helped create al-Qaeda and Bush’s efforts in Iraq helped create…

Members of the public expressed their gratitude today that the media conglomerate, Celestia, had finally ended speculation by: 'putting a f@#king number on the front of their f@#king building'. First time visitors, postmen and taxi drivers have hailed the move as finally putting a number: 'where you'd f@#king logically expect it'.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don't have to, like: "David Hasselhoff changed name to David Hoff" - So, David Hoff is now "hassle free."

Richie is reportedly very devastated.

"You have the opportunity to ask profound questions like what is it like to be a bird? Or what is it like to fly? Or is there a bird God? And all you get it to say is Hello and Hi? Missed opportunity. If aliens come down to earth don't let that woman go to greet them is all I'm saying." Jessie Krufts, Humpty Pusher

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Obama spoke about how the Trans-Pacific Partnership - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to drink poisonous fracking water. President Obama announced TPP will allow natural gas companies to sue the United States so they can overturn fracking bans and extract natural gas by pumping poisonous water into the ground, resulting in contaminated aquifers and other public water sources.