COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and rabble-rousing billionaire Donald Trump burned the original U.S. Constitution while his supporters chanted "U-S-A" during a rowdy campaign rally. It was not initially clear how Trump obtained the actual Constitution, but the hallowed American document burned much faster than Trump had expected, resulting in minor burns to both of his hands while roving bands of Brownshirts for Trump physically assaulted non-white protesters in the crowd.