Lancashire police have investigated claims by two migrant school children that they had been kidnapped by a cannibalistic old lady and forced to live in a house made of cake and confectionery.

Police say the children, 10 year old Hasten and his sister Ghrezal made the claim during an English lesson at their primary school in Lancashire

The State of the Union: it’s complicated In his last State of the Union Address, that renowned weaver of uplifting platitudes, President Barack Obama, crocheted his constituents one final quilt of bittersweet melancholy to remember him by.

Sarah Palin threw her considerable oratorical skills behind Donald Trump today in a rabble rousing speech that roused a specially invited rabble, according to a man writing on Twitter.

AMES, Iowa (The Adobo Chronicles) - The Washington Post is reporting that Sarah Palin returned to center stage of a presidential campaign yesterday, a few years older but still wearing her signature rimless eyeglasses. Her auburn hair is bouncier. And her keen ability to capture the spotlight is not at all diminished. The former Alaska governor was…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a source inside the Republican presidential campaign of loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump announced former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had been promised the position of Secretary of Defense in exchange for her endorsement of Trump for president. Trump addressed the press within minutes of the leak, and explained he did not want a Secretary of Defense who would ask questions or present any informed reality-based opposition when he ordered the use of nuclear weapons against "wherever."

New York – (satireworld.com)

An Obamacare asshole screening initiative to clean up prospective presidential candidates has seen an ugly 'butt tatt' removed from Hillary Clinton’s saggy derriere according to Our Man Behind The Speculum.

Hopping around in anger on his stuck-together legs, the 2016 Oscar for Best Actor was livid with having to go to yer another white actor.

WASHINGTON,  D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles) - Now it can be told. Millions of Americans watched President Barack Obama's final State of the Union (SOTU) address on January 12, 2016. But something transpired at the end of his speech that the television networks did not show to their viewers.  You had to have been inside the…

New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
NBC News (sic) announced that Chelsea Clinton, the only acknowledged child of former President Bill Clinton, and ex-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, had been hired as a special correspondent for the network.
According to a spokesperson for the network, Chelsea’s first assignment will be to create a documentary cartoon reprising Alvin and the Chipmunks, tentatively entitled “Yes we have no nuts today but there’s plenty of Arugula!” a spoof on Christmas in the Obama White House.

This is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger…

The Foreign Office is said to be in disarray at the prospect of around five million people arriving back in the UK within the next twelve months, as a result of new UN regulations. Offshore millionaires and home-grown welfare migrants alike are set to flood our shores; with their inability to order anything off a menu unless 'it starts with a number'.

Excess lead could also be used in bullets for local police handling Flint water riots FLINT, MI — After recent controversy regarding toxic levels of lead in the water supply, local legislators are finding ways to turn the crisis into opportunity.

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)

A spokesman for the US Secret Service unveiled a plot, supposedly by Tea Party activists, to kidnap President Barack Obama by using a trap-like device hidden at the White House. According to the spokesman, the Tea Party was going to keep the president hidden away until after the 2016 elections. The agent refused to release additional information, or his name, citing ‘need to know’ security. Since the service is ‘secret’ no other question could be answered for the press unless they guessed the right word.

Eastern Shore MD – (satireworld.com)
A federal judge has ruled for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) in a lawsuit brought against the agency, regarding laws aimed to improve water conditions in the Chesapeake Bay. Marylander's want their bay waters cleaned up, but not by federal encroachment of Washington DC bureaucrats.

AMES, Iowa — Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor who became a Tea Party sensation and a favorite of grass-roots conservatives, has spoken out for the first time on the 2016 U.S. presidential elections and asked voters the question, "Are you ready to dump Trump?" "Are you ready for the leader to make America great…

NYC,NY - (satireworld.com)

Ex-MSNBC TV host and actor Alec Baldwin was honored with a doctorate degree from George Washington University for his work as a liberal humanitarian and celebrated actor. Baldwin, age 55, said it was the best thing he’s ever received in in his life.
But then again, it was three years ago that Baldwin said his divorce from Kim Bassinger was the best thing in his life, and about six years ago where he claimed being an actor on TV was the best thing in his life, and only several weeks when Baldwin said being an ex- MSNBC TV host was the best thing in his life!

Blaming a clerical error for the initial oversight, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has amended this year’s list of nominees for Best Actor, adding Craig Robinson for his performance in “Hot Tub Time Machine 2.”

FLINT, MICHIGAN (The Nil Admirari) - Michigan Governor Rick Snyder's new bottled water company, Flint River Water, has the slogan "Good Enough for Flint, Good Enough for America." Snyder boasts the quality chloride-fortified bottled water is a testament to him running government like a business and cutting costs at the expense of public health and safety.

A Baton Rouge law firm with a logo featuring the initials “MLF” has contracted with a prominent MILF adult film actress as its spokeswoman.

Physicians tending to Cortana Mall have indicated the ailing retail center’s condition has become terminal and that any further attempts to improve its health would ultimately prove fruitless.