Police raid on chain of budget undertakers reveal alleged running corpses-for-hire racket. Were dead bodies being rented out to fill out sparse crowds at football matches, concerts and Tory party meetings? Anti-immigration political candidate claims some bodies skinned to provide 'suits' for illegals to pass for white!

As Reform Party drops candidate who turned out to be dead, journalist claims that fringe party is deliberately deploying corpses as candidates as elderly base of support starts to die off. Further alarming allegations that fringe parties could be planning to reanimate dead supporters to boost support, amid reports of polling station overrun by zombies!

Is a dating app for S and M enthusiasts being used to lure Tory MPs into 'honey trap' for purposes of blackmail? Backbench Tories apparently being enticed into 'torture dungeons' with anonymous photos of genitalia, then photographed while being bound and beaten. Security Services baffled as to who is behind plot.

After refuse-filled missile strikes Brussels, spewing stinking household waste across city, UK is accused of running secret scheme to dispose of its rubbish by firing it off in rockets. Despite denials by British authorities, suspicions linger that rain of effluent over German city might also have been from malfunctioning UK waste disposal missile.

Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time he addresses the perplexing case of 'My Haunted Arse'. Can a person's posterior be haunted and produce supernatural phenomena including apparitions, disembodied voices and strange sounds? The Rev investigates.

Is a Washington fast food joint actually a front for a child cannibalism cult serving flesh burgers to liberal degenerates? As acolytes of latest crazy right wing conspiracy theory attack burger restaurant, experts dismiss claims as being yet more extremist fantasies and label its followers as 'deluded'.

Are a new subterranean underclass emerging from beneath the streets of London's wealthiest districts? While right-wing commentator claims that strange figures seen in empty millionaire mansions are evidence of 'immigrants in the walls', top scientist claims albino beings descendants of domestic staff abandoned and trapped in mansion basements.

Are the world's cities under attack from titanic human trumps? Top scientists claim recent series of city levelling natural disasters actually caused by huge vegan farts. Are a group of vegan extremists holding world to ransom, threatening to global destruction unless whole globe gives up animal products?