ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis announced she only wanted to choose what laws to follow, because of "God or something." Davis explained her position as she continued to refuse gay couples a marriage license after the Supreme Court declined to exempt her from doing her job, because of her cited reason of "stuff."

GRAYSON, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, hundreds rallied outside of the Carter County Detention Center where Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis had been held since Thursday for contempt of court for refusing to issue a marriage license to any same-sex couple. Supporters prayed for Davis, pledged thousands of dollars to her, and were in unanimous agreement that "freedom of religion would not be under attack" if "Jesus Christ was president again."

HOLLYWOOD, Calfornia  (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - She may just have been released from county jail, but Kim Davis, the Rowan County clerk who defied a Supreme Court ruling asking her to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, could end up back behind bars. To celebrate her release after six hard days in prison, Davis…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) warned Americans that listening to Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, and anyone else classified as a "Mad Republican" for even a minute "will absolutely result in concussion-like symptoms." CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden explained the grade of concussion-like symptoms an American risked depended on how far to the right the Mad Republican speaker they listened to was.

ARTISANAL PRESS — Research recently published in a peer-reviewed journal suggests that the latest generation of political radicals in the United States is, itself, undergoing a radical change. Dr. Mike Godwin, behavioral & political scientist at Reed University, claims that a large number of twentysomething radical leftists — many voting for the first or second time in their lives — are getting fat, and changing their voter registration to Democrat.

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Federal agents and bomb-sniffing dogs were dispatched to the office of Dr. Ben Carson in Alexandria, Virginia, shortly after the Republican candidate for president received a suspicious mail package. The package consisted of a Manila envelope that seemed to contain a small metal device. Carson's staff suspected the device…

With the unexpected death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus is dismayed at having wasted his last wish from that genie on a sandwich.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she only planned to make one or two mistakes like her 2002 vote to give Republican President George W. Bush the authority to invade Iraq. Clinton assured Americans she would apologize "extremely sincerely" for an inevitable future mistake or two that could be compared to the costly war with, and subsequent occupation of, Iraq.

Secret Terror Trial Reveals British Muslim Youths Radicalised by Mad Mullah's 'Radicalisation Booth'. Unsuspecting Islamic men Lured into Fiendish Device and Transformed into Crazed Jihadis!

JACKSON, WYOMING (The Nil Admirari) - Former Vice President Dick Cheney announced today he was running for president and hoped to be the Republican nominee. Cheney said his presidency would strive "to complete the important work started by President George W. Bush and repair the damage President Obama has done."

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia returned to the bench today after dying February 13th to rule against Obamacare's mandate that religious-sponsored corporations must allow their employees access to contraception through their health insurance.

From Our Movies Correspondent: In an effort to save money, the next James Bond to be hired will sing the theme himself, in one of the most audacious money saving moves in the history of the popular spy movie franchise.

Zearing, IA – Phillip and Jennifer Bloom make the same trip each year from their home in Jefferson City, Missouri to Minneapolis, Minnesota.  The retired couple takes one week in October each year to visit the birthplace of their silver screen hero, Vince Vaughn. 

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News loose canon Bill O'Reilly stated the government giving corporations "free stuff" was patriotic, but the government giving the American people "free stuff" was "absolute socialism" and "outrageously anti-American." O'Reilly presented his "fair and balanced" strongly held, fact-challenged insights on "free stuff" during the entertainment network's morning show "Fox & Friends," and railed against Democrats in general, and Hillary Clinton and "that terrible socialist" Bernie Sanders, specifically.

WOLFSBURG, Germany (The Adobo Chronicles) - Apple faces some serious competition for its new product, the Apple Watch, and it's coming from an automaker, Volkswagen. Volkswagen, the world's largest automaker, is in deep trouble over its rigging of diesel engine emissions tests in America and Europe. The company falsified U.S. pollution tests by installing software ("defeat devices")…

Just as his fellow candidates appear to be finding some comfort around the unconventional presidential candidate, Donald Trump officials are hinting at another surprise.  

Colorado Springs, CO – Colorado and Washington voted ‘yes’ to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Other states are taking notice.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont requested the Republican-led Select Committee on Benghazi send him a subpoena to answer questions about the September 2012 attack. Sanders asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04) - the committee's chair - to have him grilled during a hyper-partisan hearing after seeing how the inept Republicans running the kangaroo committee made his presidential opponent former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stronger.

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) - The bitter political rivalry between the Marcoses and the Aquinos abruptly came to an end today, when Philippine President Noynoy Aquino granted absolute pardon to the late Ferdinand E. Marcos and his family, including Imelda Romualdez Marcos and their children, Senator Bongbong Marcos, Governor Imee Marcos and Irene Marcos. All…

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson recounted his last days with Adolf Hitler before the Führer took his own life on April 30th, 1945. Dr. Carson told his supporters in Iowa that he had declined Hitler's offer to be his successor prior to escaping from Berlin by rocket ship to avoid capture by the Red Army.