TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, TNA released the results of a survey measuring how likely Americans were to buy and publicly display a Gadsden flag, which has had low favorability ratings among Americans since 2008. Over 71% of the Americans surveyed disclosed they would not purchase or fly a Gadsden flag so they could avoid being associated with American Teabaggers, who have made the Gadsden flag a symbol of their abundant ignorance regarding both American government and history.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedoms of all Americans to earn lower wages and become unemployed. President Obama explained the two innately-American liberties would be protected by the TPP, which will make it even easier for corporations to offshore American jobs to countries with lower wages.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) declared Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) had tested positive for the Fascism Virus - a mutation of the Right-wing Propaganda Virus. The CDC warned Americans the Fascism Virus was a highly-contagious airborne and electromagnetic superbug with no known cure short of a proper liberal education and being an informed citizen.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) declared Congressional Republicans will unveil their preliminary plan to replace Obamacare in 2219. Ryan urged Americans not to be concerned about Republicans incessantly attempting to kill the Affordable Care Act, because a plan to replace President Obama's signature healthcare law was already in the pipeline.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas declared he was avoiding political attacks on opponent and billionaire Donald Trump in order to woo Trump's supporters after they have dumped Trump. Cruz conceded it was critical for him to gain the support of what he called "the growing fascist segment of the Republican Party.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) confirmed he was just as bad at his job as his predecessor, because the federal government was almost certain to shut down at the end of the week. Ryan asserted he may actually be worse than Boehner due to his over willingness to allow ultra-extreme-right-wing Republicans to have their Teabagger tantrum over Planned Parenthood and Obamacare, and callously harm veterans, the elderly, the poor, at-risk children, the sick and disabled, and many other groups that depend on government assistance simply to survive.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced his plan to turn the United States into a merciless Christian theocracy. Cruz called his new platform "Make America a Christian Iran," but informed Americans the Christian dictatorship he imagined for America could also be compared to the brutal Islamic regime in Saudi Arabia.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Obama designated the National Rifle Association (NRA) a Domestic Terrorist Organization and instructed the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) to destroy the highly organized terror network "for waging a campaign of terror on the American people." Both DHS and the FBI - who have been warning of right-wing terrorism for years - have already raided NRA Headquarters in Fairfax, Virgina, and arrested key members of the organization they hope will help lead them to NRA leader Wayne Lapierre.

COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and megalomaniac billionaire Donald Trump told voters he was an expert on wind power, and viewed wind as the most reliable and realistic renewable energy source. Trump pointed to the well-documented fact that his mouth routinely unleashed massive amounts of very loud, largely incoherent, inhumanly strong, and exceedingly angry hot air at campaign events and virtually every other place graced with his presence.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, American defense contractors predicted hundreds of thousands of American ground troops will win the imminent, expanded war against the Islamic State (ISIS) in Syria, Iraq, and probably elsewhere. The arms producers expected to make an acceptable profit before, during, and after the war, and defined "win" as the United States and its allies leaving a power vacuum in the region to guarantee future armed conflicts and demand for weapons.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a cow dung bust of former Vice President Dick Cheney was unveiled in the Capitol Visitor Center's Emancipation Hall. The unveiling ceremony attracted the likes of former President George W. Bush and Iraqi dignitaries, who threw their shoes at both the cow dung representation of Cheney and Cheney himself.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the conservative think tank Work Harder America released the results of a study on the collapse of the middle class in America. The study clearly showed the wealthy paying less in taxes had nothing to do with the disappearing middle class, which simply needed to work harder for the wealth to trickle down to it.

"The Department of Reality wants a plan that clearly shows how the Middle East is not completely destabilized by the reintroduction of large numbers of American ground forces. We know both ISIS and Syrian President Assad will be targeted, and also believe Iran will be next," stated Secretary of Reality Horace Green.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Fox News declared responsibility for the domestic right-wing terrorist attack on a Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado Springs, Colorado that killed three and wounded nine others on Friday. The right-wing propaganda network declared it may as well have fired all the bullets at the scene due to its hate-filled, largely fabricated rhetoric regarding Planned Parenthood combined with its fear-mongering and urging of its viewers to be armed at all times to respond to fabricated imminent threats that are everywhere.

THE NORTH POLE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Happy Holidays faction in the War on Christmas launched a surprise attack on the North Pole headquarters of the Merry Christmas faction. Heavy damage was done to Merry Christmas Headquarters by the Happy Holidays strike force, which breached the walls and forced its captives to play with dreidels, sit around a Festivus Pole and perform both the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, and wear Happy New Year hats and blow on similarly marked noisemakers.

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a small government Republican declared he was outraged by the rising costs of prescription drugs in the United States. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, blamed big government for too much regulation and taxation, and asserted allowing the free market to regulate itself was the only way to remedy the problem of expensive prescription drugs.

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, citizens of a Christian nation assaulted each other to get their hands on a finite supply of heavily discounted 4-slice digital toasters at a well-known national department store. The American Christians used their fists, feet, and a wide variety of other means of physical violence on their fellow God-fearing brothers and sisters to gain an advantage in acquiring the desirable material possession.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) declared it was thankful for an American education system so broken and preoccupied by standardized testing it helped the Republican Party remain a viable political party. The RNC also claimed responsibility for the endless attacks on public education, which have effectively sabotaged efforts to create a well-informed citizenry.

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan announced he was "blackout drunk" when he ordered a Russian Su-24 shot down on Tuesday. Erdoğan claimed to be completely sober again, and declared there was no reason for Russia to station naval vessels with anti-aircraft missiles closer to Turkey, or construct anti-aircraft batteries in Syria capable of shooting down aircraft in Turkish airspace.

COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and rabble-rousing billionaire Donald Trump burned the original U.S. Constitution while his supporters chanted "U-S-A" during a rowdy campaign rally. It was not initially clear how Trump obtained the actual Constitution, but the hallowed American document burned much faster than Trump had expected, resulting in minor burns to both of his hands while roving bands of Brownshirts for Trump physically assaulted non-white protesters in the crowd.