Under new legislation waiters are to provide wine glasses to diners who actually ask for wine, rather than preemptively placing glasses at each setting, only to recall them after the drinks order. “Turns out the current approach was inspired by a Viz Top Tip”, said a time and motion expert. “ ‘Don’t buy expensive address books....
With the news, generally applauded by red-blooded Welshman, that sheep now outnumber the Welsh in Wales three to one, sheep have launched a campaign to gain political recognition.
The Pope has called for more people to pray as it aids God in making up his mind: 'He really has decision issues, but if he gets a vote of confidence from people it really helps'. When asked if Facebook 'shares' and 'likes' count. His Holiness replied: 'No. No they don't'.
Colleagues who jokingly request gin when asked if they want anything from the office drinks machine will be sacked without warning under new legislation. The ruling – part of a cross-sector initiative to crack down on tedious workplace banter – will see companies shrink in size dramatically almost overnight. Project Manager, Claire Hislop, said:...
Barely a dry eye could be seen as Sunderland hosted its last pre-Brexit German Christmas market. 'If I'd known we'd be putting barriers up against Kraut markets, why aye, I'd have voted differently,' said Mike, a local. 'They mentioned the NHS, immigration and making England great again, but nobody said there'd be import tariffs on Stollen.’
While the Supreme Court mulls over legal ephemera, the real Brexit debate is to be re-visited by drunken relatives throughout the festive period. Emboldened by copious lashings of egg-nog, the UK’s unemployed Uncles have agreed to broach a variety of taboo subjects; ranging from immigration, the end of the British Raj and why women ‘shouldn’t be allowed’ to referee.
As sabre-rattling from Britain's brutal right-wing Brexista dictatorship raises fears of renewed conflict, Argentina's president Mauricio Macri has refused to negotiate away the sovereignty of the Isle of Wight. The two countries fought a brief war over the windswept island 35 years ago, which Argentina won on the Duckworth-Lewis method. Passions have been simmering ever since.
‘Theresa May and the Brexistas are playing the nationalism card because they are no longer able to distract the British people with success on the football pitch,’ warned the Spanish president Mariano Rajoy, who has u
‘Theresa May and the Brexistas are playing the nationalism card because they are no longer able to distract the British people with success on the football pitch,’ warned the Spanish president Mariano Rajoy, who has u
Several characters from P.G. Wodehouse novels have distanced themselves from Foreign Secretary Boris Wooster-Johnson, following the public dressing down he received for his comments on Saudi Arabia. Threepwood said: ‘I've known Boris for years and he has the brains of two men; unfortunately, both men were idiots.’
A delivery man is today thanking his lucky Hollywood stars as his jaw failed to detach itself from the rest of his skull, exit his skin and drop to the ground, despite having seen how a famous 1980s actress looks today.
Following Louise Casey's report on Muslim women and British society, which concluded that they need to integrate better and so become ‘more British, the government has urged them to become gobby Islamophobes, swap their burkas for balaclavas, attend EDL marches and eat bacon butties every meal, washing it down with beer - or in Scotland, a bottle of Buckfast.
Citizens of Aleppo have discovered that a brutal review written by @CandyMom81, is infinitely more hurtful than an oppressive fundamentalist regime; criticising hotels for their lack of ‘gluten-free tea bags’, ripe melon balls and hypoallergenic flak jackets.
President-elect Donald Trump is to erect a huge thermometer to the side of the White House in order to show when he has made America great again.
Brian Cloughstro, the original leader of the notorious Red state Nottingham Forest, has died. Twelve years ago.
'His final words were a seven-hour diktat on agricultural production.'
As everyone suspected all along, the American public were never stupid enough to vote Donald Trump as President, the British public were not stupid enough to vote to leave the EU, and many much-loved celebrities are still alive.
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration in the USA today gave clarification on the soon to be imposed safety measures required for electric cars. In addition to a two-tone siren that must sound the word "Pus-sy!" and a yellow strobe light mounted on the roof, all owners must carry a man who will walk in front of the car holding a red flag.
Sunday was the anniversary of the Bataclan attack, just recently was the 1,000th anniversary of the Battle of Hastings and the 50th anniversary of the Aberfan disaster. Yet there is no record of anyone commemorating the first anniversary of the Battle of Hastings in 1067, nor the 100th anniversary in 1166
FROM: HotHills69@REDACTED TO: megababe@REDACTED Yo Babes How is you? my hed is bangin like an essex girl on her birthdy. i woke up this mornin in Times Sq, i stinnk minging and i carnt rememmber waht i was doin larst nite after 8 o;clock but my prorrittes were still ok whatever becos I still had...
Massive hat tip to Ironduke