TheNilAdmirari

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis announced she only wanted to choose what laws to follow, because of "God or something." Davis explained her position as she continued to refuse gay couples a marriage license after the Supreme Court declined to exempt her from doing her job, because of her cited reason of "stuff."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, excerpts from former Vice President Dick Cheney's presidential memoir titled "Leading America From Underneath The White House" were released. The 33,000-page book absent of pictures and attempts to personify Cheney was heavy on its criticism of George W. Bush, which the text referred to as "King Meddler."

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a city clerk in the tax collection office of Providence, Rhode Island announced his religious beliefs would not allow him to process any tax payments from uncircumcised males. Seth Weiss, an Orthodox Jew, invited all male residents of Providence to bring him a doctor's note stating they were circumcised, or take advantage of his offer of a "complimentary circumcision" if they wanted to pay their taxes and avoid non-payment penalties.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA survey of registered Republicans who lived in poverty in Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana were released. The numbers showed a staggering 87% of respondents favored cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans, because they were "job creators" who needed even more money before trickle-down economics could rain money on a collapsing middle class and growing poor population.

GRAYSON, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, hundreds rallied outside of the Carter County Detention Center where Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis had been held since Thursday for contempt of court for refusing to issue a marriage license to any same-sex couple. Supporters prayed for Davis, pledged thousands of dollars to her, and were in unanimous agreement that "freedom of religion would not be under attack" if "Jesus Christ was president again."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker announced his campaign would be running a Labor Day sale on all its lead-based Chinese merchandise assembled by child laborers. Walker supporters who acted today will get 30% off all patriotic-themed Walker 2016 items, receive free shipping, and be gifted a video of Scott Walker burning prominent late 19th century and early 20th century labor organizer Mary Harris "Mother" Jones in effigy.

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Mathew Staver - the lawyer representing jailed Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis, who refuses to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples out of hatred for America and the Constitution - announced he had "never actually read" the Constitution or "learned about the Supreme Court" prior to Sunday when he "made the time" to do so. The former Dean of the Liberty University School of Law confessed, "I have made a terrible mistake, and a complete ass of myself for claiming the Supreme Court does not have the authority to order federal and state offi

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Florida Governor Rick Scott (R) threw his support behind a new voter I.D. bill that aims to be the strictest in the nation. The "Voting Responsibly Bill," or "HB 2016," was introduced by Florida House Speaker Steve Crisafulli (R - District 51) and will only allow a Republican National Committee (RNC) membership card to be an acceptable form of identification for Florida voters.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a senior campaign staffer close to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton confirmed a popular psychic from the late 1990s named "Miss Cleo" had warned Mrs. Clinton of a "horrible Berning in 2016." Clinton laughed at questions from the press about the private discussion she took part in with Miss Cleo, and stated she was "not very concerned about any psychic reading I allegedly received this morning."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama sent his annual message to Congressional Republicans asking them "not to shut down the government again." Obama's handwritten letter explained to Republicans they had control of both chambers of Congress, so they needed to "get their act together, stop being drama queens, and pass some bills that actually have a chance of being signed by me."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) warned Americans that listening to Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, and anyone else classified as a "Mad Republican" for even a minute "will absolutely result in concussion-like symptoms." CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden explained the grade of concussion-like symptoms an American risked depended on how far to the right the Mad Republican speaker they listened to was.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans thanked the millions of misinformed voters who think they know stuff for giving them control of Congress and making the upcoming October government shutdown possible. Fox News and other right-wing propaganda outlets were also acknowledged for feeding Republican voters a steady, poisonous diet of misinformation that turned them into voters who were more dangerous than uninformed voters.

ROWAN COUNTY, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - The American Civil Liberties Union held a press conference today to express its hope Kim Davis would unlawfully fire one of her deputy clerks for failing an unconstitutional religious test, doing his job, and not violating the law when Davis returned to work on Monday. The civil rights organization explained it would jump at the chance to show everyone "a real religious liberty lawsuit" by defending a deputy clerk terminated by Davis for following the law - as opposed to Davis' religious beliefs - and issuing same-sex marriage licenses.

Scores of Syrian refugees continue to pour onto Dick Cheney's estate in McLean, Virginia, where an estimated 5,000 have already settled in guest houses and improvised camps on its sprawling lawns over the past several days.

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, bigots from around the country assembled in front of the building Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis worked out of so they could yell obscenity-laced threats of physical harm and spiritual damnation at same-sex couples seeking to get a marriage license. Many of the hateful, ignorant people who bravely assailed same-sex couples for exercising their legal rights affirmed that their petty intolerance draped in religion was more important than the Constitution and the rule of law.

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Louisiana man who turned a nearly $1 billion surplus into a $1.5 billion deficit in less than two terms in office called Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump a "delusional sociopath." TNA has learned the man's name is Piyush "Bobby" Jindal - Governor of Louisiana and yet another Republican presidential candidate - who embraced trickle-down economics in his state, caused massive damage to Louisiana's economy, and told Americans as recently as ten minutes ago he was "the best person to be the next president."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she only planned to make one or two mistakes like her 2002 vote to give Republican President George W. Bush the authority to invade Iraq. Clinton assured Americans she would apologize "extremely sincerely" for an inevitable future mistake or two that could be compared to the costly war with, and subsequent occupation of, Iraq.

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee announced the Confederate States of America never officially surrendered during the Civil War and still existed. Huckabee's declaration followed his assertion earlier in the week the Supreme Court's 1857 Dred Scott ruling remained "the law of the land" in a sophomoric comparison to the Supreme Court's recent ruling legalizing same-sex marriage.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A TNA study released today showed 98.6% of Donald Trump's supporters were unable to spell or define "xenophobia." The study also showed roughly the same results for those who were asked to spell or define "authoritarianism."

SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Tonight, Republican presidential candidates said a bunch of stuff to an audience that thought it knew a bunch of stuff. The candidate who led in the polls prior to the debate was the target of all the other candidates, who gave vague answers to softball questions while Americans outside of Ronald Reagan's shrine continued to suffer from more than three decades of trickle-down economics.