TheNilAdmirari

James Bond was stopped from boarding a flight after his weapon made the airport machines go off.

With its myriad of natural delights and seasonal climactic appeal, the beach attracts millions of Americans each and every year. Though fun for some, the beach can also be an extremely dangerous and terrifying place.

Summer holidayers across the world have been warned not to eat ice creams while crossing busy roads, according to the United Nations.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) slammed the Democratic Party, Republican Party, and corporate media for criticizing his decision to run as a Democrat when they were "absolutely responsible" for making any independent candidacy impossible. Sanders also mocked the two-party political system in the United States for being "a complete joke."

THE WEST BANK, ISRAEL (The Nil Admirari) - Once again, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee escaped from Bellevue Hospital, and somehow ended up in Israel today. Huckabee's second vacation from mental health workers followed his statement about Israelis being led to ovens by President Obama due to the nuclear agreement his administration reached with Iran.

SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Television (RT) announced President Vladimir Putin had discovered the ancient lost city of Atlantis only 60 kilometers away from the Black Sea port city of Sevastopol. Putin was engaged in a routine provocative visit to the disputed territory of Crimea when he decided to use his master explorer skills to find Atlantis.

An avid subscriber to numerous conspiracy theories is challenging the government’s claim, as stated in countless highway signs across the country, that right lanes actually end.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) updated its platform to make it clear Republicans would never stop denying climate change until "credible evidence" was presented. The platform also clearly declared "the extinction of humanity" as being the only evidence Republicans would find to be genuine.

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, Former President George W. Bush ignored Republican pleas to pretend he didn't exist and publicly endorsed his brother Jeb for the Republican presidential nomination. The former president gave a press conference from his Crawford, Texas ranch and urged Americans to support Jeb, because "he is a good doobie who will be just like me."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA poll discovered 71% of Americans were in favor of renewed hostilities between Fox News and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The mutually assured destruction of both lying, far-right, and bigoted entities was seen as a positive for the political discourse of the country.

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took part in a special weekend broadcast of Jan Mickelson's extreme-right-wing Iowa radio show. Cruz used the platform to warn Americans "atheist-Muslim-fascist-communist-ISIS-liberal terrorists" wanted to destroy America, religious freedom, and Christianity.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he was doubling his protective detail in his home state. The move followed thousands of threats made by New Jersey citizens to "tar and feather" Christie then "run him out of town on a rail."

BEIJING, CHINA & NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, China announced its stock market would be going on a vacation and the Ministry of Finance would be releasing "highly accurate" stock numbers. Wall Street praised the announcement and continued to encourage Americans to purchase highly inflated stocks before everyone ran out of tricks to hide the symptoms of another looming global economic crisis.

HOLLADAY, UTAH (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney announced he was waiting for a "distress message" from the Republican Party, which he expected to beg him to enter the race to be its presidential nominee "soon." Romney confessed he had been watching the Republican race "with joy," and was seriously reconsidering his decision not to run in 2016.

MANSFIELD, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a second grade student named Benjamin Boom earned a sticker for correctly interpreting the Second Amendment by acknowledging the "militia" referenced in the amendment. The Mansfield, Massachusetts pupil cited conservative Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren E. Burger, who called the argument that private citizens have the right to bear arms "a fraud."

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush will visit New Orleans to celebrate the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and his administration's awe-inspiring response to the devastating storm. President Bush announced his brother Jeb Bush - a Republican presidential candidate and the former Governor of Florida - would be standing next to him during what they both called "a victory lap."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a video was released to major media outlets in the United States by a Christian extremist named Sarah Palin, who has ties to an anti-American Alaskan separatist group and a church that speaks in tongues, practices faith healing, and performs exorcisms. In the video, Palin discussed plans to destroy America with Republican presidential candidate and wealthy aspiring dictator Donald Trump.

LACONIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he wanted to fit a permanent shock collar equipped with a Global Positioning System (GPS) on all illegal immigrants that entered the United States. Christie explained every illegal immigrant would be fitted with a collar and dropped off in Mexico approximately two miles away from the US-Mexico border where the collar would be activated and programmed to shock an illegal immigrant if he or she came within one mile of the United States.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Late this afternoon, President Obama announced his intention to rename the tallest mountain in the Presidential Range located in New Hampshire. Obama explained Mount Washington would be renamed "Mount Obama," because he was better at being president than America's first president under the Constitution - George Washington.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced the GOP was adopting the slogan "VOTE GOP 2016 OR DIE." RNC Chairman Reince Priebus explained the new Republican slogan best summarized the current discourse of the party's members, especially its presidential candidates.