NewsBiscuit

The report also noted an abdication of responsibility amongst higher management, with a ‘culture of blame’ existing between a pig-molester, a back-stabber and a serial adulterer, and no-one having a clear idea of who was actually running the facility.

Leaders of the European Union have reacted swiftly to Brexit news by planning to fill the void with a someone a little less picky about concepts of democracy and who is rarely troubled by migrants. North Korea offers the perfect solution as a totalitarian state willing to take Eurovision seriously and happy to use the French phrase ‘American imperialist pigdog'.

England and Man City forward Raheem Sterling has taken to social media to remind England fans that while he may well be totally shit at playing association football…he is actually a totally shit association footballer who can afford encrusted bathroom fixtures and still have enough cash left over to fill his drive with a fleet...

Following the turmoil caused by the UK voting to leave the EU, officials have decided to award the job of running the organisation to Sky. A Sky spokesman explained that they were "terribly pleased to be awarded the multi-million Euro contract" and they outlined their proposals.

"We intend to package up the various parts of the EU. For example there will be the free trade package, the freedom of movement package and the monetary unification package. Governments can elect to buy into any or all packages," he said, before confirming that "BT still has the European sport package, but we're work

Titus

In a wide ranging set of proposals the BMA has outlined several initiatives that will alleviate the workload on doctors. 'Patients should be able to self certify themselves indefinitely

Britain Out Of Europe is turning to Star Trek in a final appeal to voters ahead of tonight's referendum.
One of the campaign's leading figures, John Redwood, will be dressed as a Vulcan when he hands out leaflets to members of the public in central London today.

Realising they would have nothing to base any of their stories upon, The Mail has been forced to sensationally swap sides.

Brexit
Process of spending lots of time and money on politicians renegotiating the UK's relationship with the EU.

'Your old job that was outsourced to an overseas company in order to save your previous employer money and reduce employment levels could be lost to whoever replaced you if we exit the EU.'

Southampton were reduced to 10 men after a failure to find superglue for striker Pele.

The mini-series which starred attractive people in skimpy outfits and the rest of us sweating profusely into our own eyes, opened to rave reviews just a few days ago leaving critics desperately wanting more - though an estimated 50% of the population is still to catch a single episode according to weather reports.

Team members at a firm in Suffolk will conduct a clandestine 'probationary' period to find out if colleague Tony Butterman's vague interest in the international game is acceptable.

Barry Haines from Sandown, Isle of Wight, is reported to be 'kicking himself' that he failed to look at a shocking internet video before it was deleted. Now he is using his experience to warn other web users to 'click now rather than later'.

Rob Flynn from Scole, said he felt strangely compelled to audibly recognise another rambler that he passed in country lane, but had no foreknowledge or designs on the bizarre sound that actually issued forth from his mouth and airways.

God is now communicating with a previously non-religious couple who would like to get married in a church. According to Gary Parker, this is a huge coincidence, and the timing has nothing to do with facilitating arrangements for their big day.

The man tasked with reducing the costs of the HS2 high speed rail link to the North has backed a plan to move Manchester to Hertfordshire as the cheapest way of delivering rail connection to the North. Sir Jeremy Heywood noted that the cost of HS2 was largely due to the amount of land that...

Pundits were wrongfooted when the England squad for Euro 2016 was presented to the press, because nobody had predicted the inclusion of Adebayo Akinfenwa, formerly with AFC Wimbledon. Akinfenwa, whose 101st minute penalty gave Wimbledon a 2-0 victory in the play-off final v Plymouth, smiled broadly as FA officials tried to find a suit to...

'Soon they'd learnt how to drive themselves, even mine their own coal. I had the world's most efficient railway - but then they got bored'.