Clayton, AL – These parts may be better known for the search of the almighty Sasquatch.  That journey will undoubtedly continue for years to come.

TURKEY (The Barbed Wire) - Sticking to his strategy of no "boots on the ground" in the fight against ISIS, President Obama now says he is examining what he called "an interesting option" that could potentially take the place of his current strategy, which is military paralysis.

COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and rabble-rousing billionaire Donald Trump burned the original U.S. Constitution while his supporters chanted "U-S-A" during a rowdy campaign rally. It was not initially clear how Trump obtained the actual Constitution, but the hallowed American document burned much faster than Trump had expected, resulting in minor burns to both of his hands while roving bands of Brownshirts for Trump physically assaulted non-white protesters in the crowd.

THE NORTH POLE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Happy Holidays faction in the War on Christmas launched a surprise attack on the North Pole headquarters of the Merry Christmas faction. Heavy damage was done to Merry Christmas Headquarters by the Happy Holidays strike force, which breached the walls and forced its captives to play with dreidels, sit around a Festivus Pole and perform both the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, and wear Happy New Year hats and blow on similarly marked noisemakers.

A terminally ill Star Wars fan who was granted his final wish to view Star Wars: The Force Awakens prior to its December 18th release date says he now wants that two hours of his life back.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas declared he was avoiding political attacks on opponent and billionaire Donald Trump in order to woo Trump's supporters after they have dumped Trump. Cruz conceded it was critical for him to gain the support of what he called "the growing fascist segment of the Republican Party.

Being locked up deprives you of plenty of things that make life bearable — surgical gender reassignment can simply be added to the list.

NEW YORK CITY--In an effort to increase membership and an eye toward modernization, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America will soon begin allowing girls to complete many of the tasks required to be Girl Scouts on the internet, according to GSUSA Director of Communication Hannah Marquez.  Marquez cited the recent success of…

A Baton Rouge resident is leading a one-man crusade to dampen threads of overwhelmingly positive comments with a single word that strikes the perfect balance between dickishness and disinterest.

The Web only makes sense in the World Beyond! Liberate yourself from the Tyranny of Logic!

Lowell, MA – Becky and Mark Dodd got married last December.  As they wait for their one year anniversary, they find themselves in marriage counseling.

Ever since his separation from his wife of 40 years, Tipper Gore, friends say that the former Vice President has become harder and harder to reach.  Al Gore is best known for his environmental education efforts after his political career ended.  Gore is reportedly dating a fellow environmentalist who introduced him to Netflix.  The Nobel Peace Prize winner is now addicted to the television show The Walking Dead.

Egypt's entire Mickey Mouse Club has been imprisoned while it's Christmas special was being aired, according to people close to the prison keys.

Saint Paul, MN – Scott and Marcie Hennings had never been to the zoo with their now 4 year old daughter Jessica.  In fact, Scott and Marcie had not been to any zoo for years themselves.  Scott recommended a family Saturday outing to the local Como Park Zoo and Conservatory.  Everyone was excited to see the big cats, rhinos, and giraffes.  With backpacks full of binoculars, sandwiches, sunglasses, and a small bottles of Bacardi, off the Hennings family went on their adventure.

The rapidly increasing number of Republicans running for president is dramatically eroding the availability of American billionaires and their precious largess, a recent study suggests.

Jindal vetoed a chance to prove he still has a shred of decency when he struck down a provision prohibiting State Police from paying for his security detail during campaign events.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the conservative think tank Work Harder, America (WHA) released the results of a study on tax cuts for the wealthy, and government services cuts for the vast majority of Americans. The study clearly showed the wealthy paying less in taxes had nothing to do with tax revenue shortfalls that gave conservatives a pretext to assert government budgets must be balanced by austerity measures targeting critical services like education, food assistance, healthcare, and infrastructure.

Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America, a former colony of Great Britain, won a quiz about French Presidents in October 2014, a White House spokesmom admitted last night.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - In a ruling lost in the more newsworthy and controversial decisions handed down by the US Supreme Court last week, was another major victory for the homosexual community. In a 5-4 decision, the Court ruled that gays do have the right to write and publish satire.

Animals, some as hairy as dogs, are all panting with their tongues out in an attempt to cool down this week as temperatures soar to boiling point in some parts of the country.