Hillary angered by new CNN poll: 98.5% of Americans consider her a "total horse's ass." WorldsWisestOwl.com

San Francisco, CA – Art shows are often smug, boring, and crawling with assholes you hope to never meet on the street. A heart-warming story developed at such a show recently, starring a semi-famous band named The Shins.

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, bigots from around the country assembled in front of the building Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis worked out of so they could yell obscenity-laced threats of physical harm and spiritual damnation at same-sex couples seeking to get a marriage license. Many of the hateful, ignorant people who bravely assailed same-sex couples for exercising their legal rights affirmed that their petty intolerance draped in religion was more important than the Constitution and the rule of law.

MENLO PARK, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Today's big news was about Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg's announcement that the social media network is finally bringing in a 'dislike' button after resisting the suggestion from users for many years. The announcement was met with mixed reaction -- many approving but an equal number fearing that the…

MAPLES GROVE, Iowa--Speaking to a large gathering of chickens in their coop, local farmer Benjamin Fisher promised to finally put an end to the steady stream of foxes that have entered the pen unfettered over the years, if he is able to successfully secure financing to purchase the farm where the chickens reside. "And I'm…

WISCONSIN (The Barbed Wire) - Wisconsin candidate Scott Walker became the second governor to bow out of the 2016 presidential race today. Walker said he was suspending his campaign and would reveal which candidate he will back for president at a later date. He blamed his spastic personality as the main reason he never connected with voters on a large scale.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, conservative propaganda outlets led by Fox News demanded Congress declare war on Vatican City and force President Obama to invade the sovereign state in order to remove its "dangerous leftist leader" Pope Francis. The conservative rallying cry for regime change followed the pontiff's address to a joint session of Congress and his criticism of the greed of unrestricted capitalism, the dangerous ignorance of climate change doubters, and the lack of compassion for, and government support of, society's most vulnerable groups - like the poor.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the White House refused to confirm reports the United States military had started to slowly back away from Syria immediately after Russia started airstrikes in the war-torn country. President Obama declared he "really hoped" brutal Syrian President Bashar al-Assad would not be saved by his Russian ally President Putin, but also confessed, "it would not be the worst thing in the world if Russia was left holding the bag in Syria."

"That's the most boring video game I have ever seen. GET A MOVE ON!" Jimmy Popper, Gamer

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates condemned Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for publicly declaring he planned to feed the hungry, as well as help the poor, sick, elderly, and other struggling Americans. The Republican field was unanimous in its derision of the socialist policies espoused by Sanders, which would treat the most vulnerable Americans as actual people and respected members of the nation's community.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the White House received a letter from its enemy the Islamic State expressing the Islamic extremist group's gratitude for additional American military equipment, which it had easily captured from the fleeing Iraqi military. President Obama quickly responded to the letter of thanks from the Islamic State by warning Iraq "the arms gift shop is closed until Iraqis stop regifting American weapons of war to the Islamic State."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Obama Administration announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal President Obama intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to unknowingly purchase poisonous food. The White House explained companies located in other TPP nations will be able to sue the United States for having higher food safety standards, and force their poisonous food into the American market by citing "unfair protection of consumers."

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana (The Adobo Chronicles) - Conceding that this is not his time to be president of the United States, Louisiana Governor Bobby (Piyush) Jindal today announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. His campaign strategy since he ran for governor has always been to project himself as a…

Mr. Earnest painted a picture of the three highest officials in U.S. government "staring helplessly into their closets" as time ticked away for any of the three to make it in time to join other major world leaders in displaying solidarity against the horrific attacks.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Nine bicyclists were critically offended and dozens more were irked after a confrontation at a downtown Austin restaurant led to a slew of insults being fired.

"This is a very distressing finding with a potentially major impact on our tourism industry and our very quality of life overall," said Rolf Jonsson, a member of the Riksdag. "Sweden prides itself on a high standard of living and needs to take a very serious look at what has happened here."

A year-long probe into the murky world of youth soccer has led to the arrest of more than a dozen hyper-involved moms.

THE NORTH POLE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Happy Holidays faction in the War on Christmas launched a surprise attack on the North Pole headquarters of the Merry Christmas faction. Heavy damage was done to Merry Christmas Headquarters by the Happy Holidays strike force, which breached the walls and forced its captives to play with dreidels, sit around a Festivus Pole and perform both the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, and wear Happy New Year hats and blow on similarly marked noisemakers.

Jeremy, Sunny, and Brian Haldane tackle Caitlyn Jenner, Louisiana's Clickbait Channel, WBRZ's Brett "Buffy the Corruption Slayer" Buffington, and a rosaceous sex tape extortionist.

"The Department of Reality wants a plan that clearly shows how the Middle East is not completely destabilized by the reintroduction of large numbers of American ground forces. We know both ISIS and Syrian President Assad will be targeted, and also believe Iran will be next," stated Secretary of Reality Horace Green.