Having trouble keeping your New Year's resolutions? It's because you're a loser.

MILAN (AP) – In an inspirational case of walking the walk (in this case, literally), former President Barack Obama arrived on foot to make a speech on climate change at the “Seed & Chips: The Global Food Innovation Summit” in the city of Milan, Italy.

Seeing no other way to remedy a dangerous situation, the president ended the government shutdown in hopes of averting a nationwide cheeseburger shortage.

San Francisco CA – (satireworld.com)
A town meeting was held with the San Francisco Board of Supervisors (SFBS) to discuss citizen complaints about coyotes living in the “City by the Bay,” eating small dogs and cats.

Time to decide 2016’s greatest random thing of all!

Senator Bernie Sanders and former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, better known as hecklers Waldorf and Statler on The Muppets, have officially announced their decision to join the 2020 presidential race.

Lionel The Lion expressed his views today during a discussion on Zeb Talk which received a record number of complaints.

NEW YORK – Huma Abedin, the woman with the worst taste in men, and Hillary Clinton’s shadow, has been burned again by her sexting-addicted husband, Anthony Weiner. This makes the third time, and Huma said today she’s had enough. Anthony Weiner has been caught, once again, sexting to a female stranger.

Unless conservation efforts are made to stem the disappearance of the American nuance (Nuba americana) from the national conversation, officials with IUCN estimate the shy, colorful creature could become extinct in the next few decades.

A new study showing worldwide suicide rates falling dramatically between the year 2001 and 2018 has left many researchers scratching their heads.

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) – The European Parliament has voted to end visa-free travel for Americans within the EU.

Sunny, Knick, and Jeremy talk about more flood recovery, Sunny's acumen for miserable jobs, and tetanus shots. Plus, Knick shares his best worst story from his service industry days.

"We've been planning this for about two hundred years, but we had to get the caves ready to live in - so, we're just finally starting to move down there."

After being hit with months of negative press, Southern Rail are absolutely delighted to win the award.

Washington DC- (satireworld.com)
The political turmoil in the USA, eight months before the November presidential elections, grows more acute every day. Both political parties are caught up in a swirling eddy of accusations: Republicans as to which candidate has the bigger hands or penis, who is more presidential, whose wife did what; Democrats as to who lied about Benghazi Libya Islamic terrorist attacks (getting Americans killed), who passes TOP SECRET emails over unsecured communications and adopting democratic socialism vice capitalism.

Hampered by an increasingly tight labor market, Taco Bell announced this week that it will enhance its efforts to lure fresh talent with the offer of a new benefit.

From Our Media Correspondent: The large number of Sherlock Holmes movies, television and radio programme's currently being recorded on location in London has been blamed for the fog over the capital, an insider told this newspaper outside this morning.

Are serious diseases like cancer a medical scam? Astonishing claims from Tory politician that most sicknesses invented by medics to justify existence of National Health Service and swindle billions of ponds of tax payers money to fund bogus treatments for fake diseases!

Hollywood, CA – (satireworld.com)
Reality Pictures Television will introduce a new reality series format on cable TV…’The Milky Way Mission,’ will send celebrities into space on a space craft dubbed Hollywood One. RPT’s agreement is with the Space Expedition Corporation (SXC), which is launching a space travel program for civilians in late 2017.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - President Obama is upset that not everybody is heeding his example of partying your troubles away while ISIS is unleashing terror on locations around the world. Mr. Obama, the world's role model for insensitivity, and all-around jackass, is now blaming the loss of the war on terror on singer Mariah Carey.