Shocking new statistics discovered by this newspaper show that 9 out of 10 people consider walking out of screenings of The Revenant simply to warm up, it has been claimed.

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, California Governor Jerry Brown (D) urged the citizens of his state to visit out-of-state family members and friends, and "borrow some water to bring back to California." Brown explained it was the best long-term backup plan California could put forth as the state found itself in the fourth year of a historic drought.

HOLLYWOOD (The Barbed Wire) - Still pissed off about the "whiteness" of the Oscars for the second year in a row, Hollywood celebrities are lining up to say they will not be voting in 2016 because the Democratic presidential field is also too white. "Are you telling me there wasn't ONE brother out there qualified to run this year?"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned Americans if they did not elect him president everyone would die. Graham asserted the United States would only be safe from "those very scary Muslims" under his watch.

BRUSSELS, Belgium (The Adobo Chronicles®) - As Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump laid out details of his immigration policy, the European Union (EU) adopted a resolution that, in effect, negates Trump's ill intentions against the estimated 11 Million undocumented immigrants now living in the U.S. Trump's immigration policy includes building a wall along the southern border…

Inspired by Calais refugees, thrill seeking British tourists walking through Channel Tunnel for holidays in France! New craze sees jaded UK tourists sailing to Greek resorts on refugee rafts!

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Late this afternoon, President Obama announced his intention to rename the tallest mountain in the Presidential Range located in New Hampshire. Obama explained Mount Washington would be renamed "Mount Obama," because he was better at being president than America's first president under the Constitution - George Washington.

ANN ARBOR, MICH. — Michigan Wolverines head coach Jim Harbaugh has announced that he will open his home as a foster pare…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA survey of registered Republicans who lived in poverty in Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana were released. The numbers showed a staggering 87% of respondents favored cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans, because they were "job creators" who needed even more money before trickle-down economics could rain money on a collapsing middle class and growing poor population.

Scores of Syrian refugees continue to pour onto Dick Cheney's estate in McLean, Virginia, where an estimated 5,000 have already settled in guest houses and improvised camps on its sprawling lawns over the past several days.

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Louisiana man who turned a nearly $1 billion surplus into a $1.5 billion deficit in less than two terms in office called Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump a "delusional sociopath." TNA has learned the man's name is Piyush "Bobby" Jindal - Governor of Louisiana and yet another Republican presidential candidate - who embraced trickle-down economics in his state, caused massive damage to Louisiana's economy, and told Americans as recently as ten minutes ago he was "the best person to be the next president."

SIMI VALLEY, California (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Last July, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced plans for a redesign of the $10 bill, marking the first time in more than a century that a woman will be featured on a U.S. bill. The newly designed $10 bill will be issued by 2020—in time for the 100th anniversary…

Comedian Evan Rabalais joins Jeremy and Sunny to talk about white guilt and the most wretched hive of scum and villainy in Baton Rouge.

Strawberry jam, Britonses favourite jam, will no longer taste like it does today, but much better when we leave Europe, whispered an increasingly wild eyed Iain Duncan Smith today.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Congressional Teabagger Caucus warned Americans it would punish the poor, sick, elderly, veterans, starving children, and many other groups if Democrats and President Obama did not allow teabaggers to punish women by defunding Planned Parenthood. The right-wing extremist faction of the Republican Party - the self-proclaimed "party of fiscal responsibility" - assured all Americans it would disrupt benefits to the most vulnerable members of American society, and actually cost taxpayers more money by shutting down the government in less than two days...

THE VATICAN, Italy (The Adobo Chronicles®) - As with all trips by heads of state, the itinerary of a visiting dignitary is always packed, consisting of a whirlwind of welcome ceremonies, state banquets, speeches before various groups, meetings with key officials, field trips, photo opportunities, and yes, private meetings, both scheduled and unscheduled. Pope Francis' visit…

A judge in California has ordered the clothing company American Apparel to sell off its more than 300 half-naked teenage models as part of a restructuring agreement with lenders.

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush promised Americans he would never admit the war in Iraq was a mistake, because he felt "the history book people" would eventually agree his administration's decision to willingly lie about a pretext to invade another sovereign country "was totally okay." Bush was adamant about never admitting the invasion - and subsequent unplanned occupation - of Iraq was a massive mistake only a day after former British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the war in Iraq.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will dress up as a Walmart cashier for Halloween. Clinton declared her costume selection was meant to inform Americans she sat on Walmart's board of directors from 1986 to 1992, and was complicit in outsourcing American jobs to foreign sweatshops while she actively worked against labor unions.

A collection of items that belonged to Margaret Thatcher are to be burned at a searing hot temperature of 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit.