Someone picked all numbers.

Denver, CO – Gerald Buckhalter’s family did not expect to be planning his funeral today.  The 32 year old park ranger swallowed three cyanide pills this morning and took his own life.  The only evidence left behind is a voicemail that Gerald left for his friend at 8:43am.  It was quickly released by police so further such incidents could be avoided.

Baltimore, MD – (satireworld.com)

Faced with another violent night of mob rule in Maryland’s largest city, Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake (D-MD) has officially asked North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to send a full division of crack PRNK troops to restore order in several cities. Cited as a cheaper way to advance the rule of law, outsourcing of troops is a controversial action that has many Baltimore residents worried.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Governor of Oklahoma Mary Fallin declared the staggering increase in the frequency and strength of earthquakes in Oklahoma was not caused by hydraulic fracturing conducted by the oil and gas industry, but by an insidious gopher infestation. Fallin pledged to eradicate the earthquake-causing gophers, but warned citizens their state had likely been irreversibly damaged by the furry tunnelers and may permanently unseat California as the most earthquake-prone state in the Lower 48.

Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)

In scathing report issued by the Justice Department, partly in lieu of recent racial charges over police mistreatment of black suspects, the attorney general has proposed sweeping changes on America’s 7,500 police chiefs and their agencies.

Poll results are in!

With only 1% power left, we are all just grateful this important message got through.

34 year-old Colin Parker was surprised to discover that his wife, Lucy Parker, could condemn her parents with impunity, but that he should restrain from making any derogatory remark. Following a 13-minute rant in which Lucy berated her Mum’s nagging about future grandchildren and her Dad’s problem with whiskey, his insightful comments to support those complaints were regarded as sheer wanton abuse.

by P. Beckert.Call ISIS decision-makers ‘weak’ and ‘pussies’ A group of suicide bombers have made it known that they are not the least bit happy about a decision made by ISIS leaders [more...]Subscribe to our monthly Humor Times magazine here, available worldwide, in print or digital format.

Hollywood, CA – (satireworld.com)

Wheel of Fortune letter turner Vanna White, who has been playing “Hangman” with America for thirty years, admitted that she is functionally illiterate and cannot read any of the puzzles. White claims that “I just touch the squares that they light up, but I wouldn’t know a C from a V from a Z if they paid me (and they do pay me pretty good!).”

Cognitive distortions are prominent on both sides of today’s political aisles, but one side is accelerating in this area like a tachyon particle in a meth lab. This is today’s scheissgiest, as I like to call it. From a psychiatric standpoint, Republicans represent the full diagnostic spectrum. I’d suggest they drop their elephant symbol for the rainbow were…

The story was quite hard to concentrate on, although it possibly featured a number of less photogenic subjects such as oppressed Palestinians and starving Africans, but ooh, look, there she is again from that rom-com 'He's Just Not That Into You,' the one where she goes skinny-dipping.

U.S. corporations owe $600 billion in taxes Carl Icahn, noted corporate predator and takeover specialist who made billions of dollars in corporate deals, has recently begun pushing a charitable cause.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Federal Reserve confirmed the trillions of dollars it had printed and handed over to the financial sector to stimulate the economy since the 2008 financial crisis went almost exclusively to the richest Americans - and stayed there making them even wealthier. The Fed dubbed the unsustainable shadow economy it was running the "Weekend at Bernie's Economy" due to all of the strings it had to continue to pull in order to make it look like the economy was alive and working well for everyone when it only benefited... extremely rich investors.

"So many of our reporters cut their teeth on American gun violence," said an angry CNN V.P. "How the hell are we supposed to fill air time??"

Orlando, Florida – (satireworld.com)
Welcome to SatireWorld’s premier edition of it’s annual swim suit cover. The highly anticipated cover was shot at great expense at fabulous and trendy Miami Beach Florida. The winning model for 2016 is 34 year old Cate Upton from Chicago, Illinois who models the latest in fat girl beach wear. Upton beat out scores of big beautiful women in the much sought out beach wear competition snagging the year’s coveted cover.

A Syrian refugee living in Berlin who made a perilous journey to Europe after losing his entire family in his country’s civil war is nevertheless very horny.

Scientists looking for alien life on other planets have been looking in the wrong place, according to an independent telescope owner and his mates.

South Dakota – (satireworld.com)

December 29, 2015 marked the 125th Anniversary of the murder of 297 Sioux Indians at Wounded Knee Creek on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - White House doctors have confirmed that President Obama strained several muscles in his arms today, and even tore a tendon in his shoulder area, while overreaching in putting together his newest gun control executive orders. The president has been ordered to rest his skinny arms and reduce the movement of his left shoulder.