Sarah Palin threw her considerable oratorical skills behind Donald Trump today in a rabble rousing speech that roused a specially invited rabble, according to a man writing on Twitter.
"Ha ha that lid is broken or wasn't put on properly. I can't even open my dog proof dog food container." Fred Flunkee,Has Weak Fingers
Shocking new statistics discovered by this newspaper show that 9 out of 10 people consider walking out of screenings of The Revenant simply to warm up, it has been claimed.
David Cameron is not dead, despite him being reported dead this week on a Heart Radio broadcast, we have been assured.
But a conspiracy expert is not convinced: "If there is a cover up, and I'm not saying there is, and he has died, which I'm not saying he has, this is exactly what I would expect them to say if he had died and they were covering it up."
But a conspiracy expert is not convinced: "If there is a cover up, and I'm not saying there is, and he has died, which I'm not saying he has, this is exactly what I would expect them to say if he had died and they were covering it up."
"It's funnier the second time you watch it." Jimmy Popper, Surveyor
Kyrgyzstan could have declared war on Scotland last week after a man from Edinburgh compared Kyrgyzstan's national sausage to a horse penis.
Scientists looking for alien life on other planets have been looking in the wrong place, according to an independent telescope owner and his mates.
"Put the bowl on your head, little man, and do a little dance. Don't just sit there!!!" Jessie Krufts, Circus Trainer
George Lucas, the director and creator of Star Wars, the wildly successful story of war in space, was forced to make a public apology last night after he went too far in an interview. But our experts have found he is much more quarrelsome than originally thought, as these nine other incidents show this week that were successfully kept from the press by his PR experts...
Awards:
Society Of Anti Horoscopes League Of Cruelty 2014 'Horoscope Of The Year'
Sagittarius Deal Or No Deal Sponsored Horoscope 2013
Sugar Free Mystical Horoscope Of The Year 2014
Society Of Anti Horoscopes League Of Cruelty 2014 'Horoscope Of The Year'
Sagittarius Deal Or No Deal Sponsored Horoscope 2013
Sugar Free Mystical Horoscope Of The Year 2014
"Yeah, pelican's have a mind of their own. Like pointy beaked cats." Jessie Krufts, Zoologist
"Like giant Gummy Bears but hairy!" Kent Rugby, Confectioner
God has flooded Hillary Benn's constituency only days after his rowsing Independence Day speech calling for air strikes in Syria, and during the holiest of days of the year when God is about more than normal, notes a man who went to church every day as a child.
Egypt's entire Mickey Mouse Club has been imprisoned while it's Christmas special was being aired, according to people close to the prison keys.
"I just want to slip on some spandex trunks and go dancing with my new doggie friend." Kent Rugby, Hunkist
Major Tim Peake entered the Space Station with thumbs skywards even though up there skywards was downwards. But in spite of the sky confusion all went well and endless messages from the Space Station are expected in the coming six months.
"My nightmare is that one of their little heads goes right up my shorts when I'm not looking." Jimmy Popper, Disasterologist
Donald Trump, the wildly impersonateable presidential hopeful, will become the most impersonated man in the world next year if his journey to the White House is successful, according to impressionists last night.
"Skyfall could be a poignant follow up video with the dog waiting for the thrown stick to fall from the sky for him to catch in the park. Slightly misty I'm thinking, lady dog watching on with her tongue out. By jingo this could work." Jimmy Popper, Music Video Ideas Man From The 1980s
Take part in our brilliant Donald Trump sweepstakes as we guess what the probable Republican candidate for president will say next... Just print out and cut out each line and have fun
"All UFO abductions must be investigated"
"I will make Arnold Schwartzenegger illegal"
"Brillo Pads will be renamed Trump Pads in honor of my brilliant hairdo"
"All UFO abductions must be investigated"
"I will make Arnold Schwartzenegger illegal"
"Brillo Pads will be renamed Trump Pads in honor of my brilliant hairdo"