McConnell continued, "I am extremely confident Senate Republicans are on track to help the GOP lose its third presidential election in a row, and maybe even a house of Congress if we play our cards just right."
TheNilAdmirari
President Obama nominates himself to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia. Obama states he would like to see whether Senate Republicans want to block his Supreme Court nominee more than they want him out of the White House.
BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media observed it was cold outside, and shared his observation on social media to embarrass the world's scientists. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, used his superior deductive reasoning skills to shame science and destroy the scientific theory of global climate change with his rival scientific thesis that climate change was bullshit.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was genuinely surprised so many Americans still recalled her close friend and foreign policy counselor Henry Kissinger was a war criminal guilty of genocide. Clinton also confessed she was not surprised U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her chief rival - remembered former Secretary of State Kissinger was a horrible person directly responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent people due to Sanders being "very, very old."
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Barack Obama announced he was very concerned Democratic presidential hopeful U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont would actually give all American citizens healthcare as a human right. Obama explained former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was his Democratic presidential contender of choice, because he wanted a successor who would not make him look bad.
SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an unmedicated Massachusetts man declared he believed Republican presidential candidate and demagogic billionaire Donald Trump would rein executive power in. Thomas Basil, a Republican construction worker and married father of two, told TNA he thought Trump would moderate the authority of the presidency, despite the billionaire's numerous statements about violating the Constitution and ignoring sound reasoning in the name of national security.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Tonight, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told the women of New Hampshire to "have fun burning in hell" after it was clear she had lost the state's Democratic primary election to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. Clinton's remark referenced a statement made last week by former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Madeleine Albright that "there's a special place in hell for women that don't help each other."
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and renowned xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump threatened to "fire" New Hampshire from America if he did not win the Republican primary there on Tuesday, February 9th. Trump also vowed to fire all of the states he lost during the Republican presidential primaries and caucuses when he became president.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton repeated her belief that being a woman was a professional qualification for the presidency, and told women they must vote for her because she is also a woman. In doing so, Secretary Clinton's logic inadvertently told American women they must also vote for the likes of Sarah Palin and Carly Fiorina simply because they were also women, which automatically made them qualified for the presidency.
"Forty-three percent of American voters are very disturbed by Bernie Sanders, because they see his honesty and consistent record as something comparable to a dragon or a unicorn," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who noted dragons and unicorns were viewed less favorably than Sanders and more favorably than Hillary Clinton.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded Americans the speaking fees and other forms of compensation she had received from Wall Street were completely legal. Secretary Clinton's public service announcement was her response to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont accusing her of corruption and being a pawn of Wall Street, which he repeated during their debate last night.
"The F-35 can be utilized about twelve times every year. In between these missions it will require weeks of maintenance to address the damage it sustained from being exposed to direct sunlight, rain, wind, and the Earth's atmosphere," explained Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.
"Just look at how much fun this walrus is having," stated Palin, who sat in a golf cart wrapped in what appeared to be chicken wire while the flippered marine mammal she named Buttercup growled, grunted, and whistled.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accepted the Democratic presidential nomination after barely winning Iowa in the closest caucus in the state's history to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who has been characterized as unelectable. Political observers called Clinton's acceptance of the Democratic presidential nomination "bold and slightly premature."
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - Tonight, psychopathic Iowans - largely of the evangelical persuasion - rallied to deliver Canadian psychopath U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas a win in the state's Republican caucus. The ultra-conservative Iowans barely rejected psychopathic billionaire Donald Trump for lacking the correct mixture of moral superiority and seething bigotry devoid of all empathy.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA survey found Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was surging with Americans harboring low expectations and no ambition for a better future. Clinton held a dominant lead over her primary rival - U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - with the support of 87% of Americans who expected no improvement in their circumstances while she was president.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Sempra Energy declared the uncontrolled, gargantuan natural gas leak at its Aliso Canyon Oil Field was actually releasing desperately needed methane into Earth's atmosphere. The parent corporation of Southern California Gas Company (SoCal) asserted methane was "like vitamins for the atmosphere," and that over 2 million tons of vitamins had been dispatched since the leak started on October 23rd, 2015.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, 9-1-1 operators across the country announced they were bracing themselves for a sharp rise in calls related to shattered television and computer screens during the Republican presidential primary debate tonight. Virtually all 9-1-1 operators and heightened numbers of first responders will be working tonight, and both groups expected injuries like lacerations, severe blood loss, electrocutions, and wounds filled with glass, among many others.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she thought her favorability among Americans would improve if she attacked U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for championing policies most Americans supported. Clinton dismissed criticism she was using the same strategy utilized by her 2008 campaign, which resulted in Clinton losing the Democratic presidential nomination to then-U.S. Senator Barack Obama of Illinois.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Secret Service agents protecting Republican presidential candidate and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump declared they deeply regretted their past career mistakes and choices of work enemies. The agents were confident both their professional lapses and having co-workers with axes to grind likely resulted in their protective detail assignment.