New York, NY – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has faced the embarrassing wrath of a heckler more than a few times in past months. The controversial billionaire is seeking the White House as his newest mansion and acquisition.
Numerous regular contributors to Facebook and Twitter are reporting that someone has been shot today. Social media is buzzing as sketchy details continue to pour in. It’s unclear whether there are injuries or casualties but something has definitely been shot by a handgun.
We do not write advice because you can’t teach stupid and you cannot change stupid. However, we do talk to a lot of people and have discovered some common traits amongst people that are rotten to the core assholes.
Phoenix, AZ – “It’s the most irresponsible and heinous act that I’ve witnessed in my 20 years on the force,” explains Sergeant David Willingham. “I’m no court judge but the owners of this car and beautiful AR-15 should be locked up with the key thrown away. If there was intent, I can only pray that the death penalty is explored as an option for punishment.”
Batavia, IL – Researchers from a lab in Batavia recently reported that the number of pills in the world are quickly overtaking the human population. For every one person, there are approximately six pills floating somewhere out there in the world.
Stamford, CT – Lizzy Morgan is a normal 6 year old girl who loves her chicken. “She’s kind of a picky eater,” says Mom. “The one thing she will eat religiously is chicken.
Gurdon, AR – Lucas Gibbs found himself in Arkansas visiting some old friends with a bit of time on his hands. Everyone was outside playing football and Lucas could not participate due to a recurring knee injury. Gibbs found himself sitting on the couch with nothing much to do.
Superficial exterior wall or other object intended to deceive others into thinking that exuberence means happiness; usually overbearingly brash and over the top. More times than not an overcompensation to cover up small man’s syndrome or a want to kill oneself due to emotional emptiness.
It is believed that Jesus joined the social networking scene soon after Tim Tebow returned to an active NFL roster. He, or his Father, did text several of the current presidential candidates so it’s really hard to tell when the arisen one has returned.
Portland, ME – Malcom Werner and his wife Pippy came to an agreement about 6 months ago. Malcom would stay home with their 3 kids and Pippy would be the breadwinner of the family with the accounting work she does.
Danica Patrick’s recent run in with Dale Earnhardt Jr. at the Quaker State 400 have unleashed a raging pile of female hormones. This woman is pissed off. Are they hormones are is it just a really angry young man with long hair and effeminate features? Probably only a select few know that answer for sure.
Athens, Greece – Meetings broke Saturday evening without an agreement on whether other nations will provide Greece its third financial bailout since 2010.
Chicago, IL – After a near death experience while riding in Zabib Welhunij’s cab, I had to ask him. Did you know you almost got us killed multiple times in only a 5 minute ride? What is wrong with you? It’s not the first such experience I’ve had in a cab. His answer surprised me.
Washington – Being the great buddies that they are, President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden recently took some time together to watch their beloved Washington Nationals play some baseball. Given morbidly boring nature of the game of baseball, the two had some time to chat about things other than baseball.
Pomona, KS – Hollis Christopher Walden III is a genius. No one knows exactly what his IQ is but let’s just say that he confounds even fellow Mensa members with his appalling brilliance.
Knoxville, TN – Another tragedy has occurred. This senseless act of violence, once again, is difficult to explain or understand why we choose to harm one another. The details of the crimes are still developing but here’s what we know so far.
Albuquerque, NM – Nelson Rimsplat has been unemployed now for several months. He was fired from his job at the Albuquerque Zoo for ‘behaviors inappropriate and not in line with the the Zoo’s image.’ For the 3 year Train Zoo Conductor, the firing has given him a sense of liberation.
Little Rock, AR – Just when you thought you had all of the simple stuff figured out, some brainy white-haired guy from a local Community College tells you that you’re wrong. Such is the case with Dr. Brian Sloss, who teaches a variety of different classes at ‘Little Rock – Big University.’
Hermitage, PA – Seth Robbleson is a dedicated husband and on all accounts a pretty good father. He’s been happily married for 12 years and has 2 beautiful daughters and son named Bruce who they recently enrolled in boy scouts.
Twin Falls, ID – “We see this far too often. A lovely family having a picnic at the park and, wham, there is a large bear to scare them off. These bears may sit down and eat the entire picnic or even eat the family.”