Jakerhodes

‘It sounds fantastical but anyone who’s ever shook Piers’ hand knows this could very well be true. After you’ve shook his hand you’re left with this thick, gooey discharge on your hand that’s impossible to wash off. At first I just thought it was because he’s a wanker but this makes even more sense.'

While kale has risen dramatically in popularity over the last handful of years thanks to its status as a ‘superfood’ it is also closely linked to being a pretentious twat – and it’s that link which has doctors worried.

This comes on the back of production of the Samsung Note 7 being halted after several of the headsets caught fire or exploded.

Laura Partridge, 27, has been going about her life as usual despite suffering from a nasty sinus infection that has left her with a blocked nose, severe earache and a steady flow of tears leaking from her eyes.

The clown jumped Corbyn from behind, pushed him down and hit him several times with a baseball bat before running off laughing.

Trump was supposed to be apologising for comments made in 2005 about ‘grabbing women by the pussy’ but his rambling statement quickly veered off into his usual bombastic approach.

WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange had been promising an ‘October Surprise’ that would blow the US Presidential election wide open and he delivered last night with a string of receipts from Clinton’s personal accounts that prove that she not only purchased Justin Bieber albums but several pieces of Belieber merchandise too.

Super-gonorrhea is particularly dangerous strain of gonorrhea that cannot be treated with the the usual antibiotics.

The finding of the gravy vein was cause of immediate celebration in Lancashire after experts had been warning that proper northern gravy was in short supply after a dangerous gravy granule shortage hit the county.

The former England manager, who was fired after a sting operation revealed corrupt dealings, will now lead UKIP on a caretaker basis whilst UKIP search for a new leader.

According to an eye witness who was tending his own plot, Tony Blair showed up, dropped his trousers and curled out a weapon of ass destruction while laughing maniacally. He then left without saying a word to anyone.

The rush of blood caused Farage to sport such a rager that his only course of action was to seek medical advice.

The Conservative government will borrow up to £2 billion to ensure that privileged children can move out of their parental home and into their own without the shock of having to live in a common neighbourhood.

Alex Green, 32, was involved in a traffic collision a week ago that left him fighting for his life. His brain is so damaged that all he can say is ‘laptop’.

Hangovers have plagued mankind since alcohol was first invented way back in 1978 but now one research team has found the ultimate preventative measure.

The dishevelled, bearded gentleman can often be seen wandering the streets in a daze or sat on a park bench, anything to get out of the house.

Bananaman is the alter-ego of Eric Twinge who gains special powers from eating bananas. While he was originally supposed to be a parody of superheroes, Hollywood says they will give Bananaman a gritty new edge.

Boris, whose football experience amounts to running into children and cropping a German in a charity game, is the only man left who wanted the job.

Deutsche Post purchased UK Mail for over £240 million and experts believe this could just be another step that leads to World War III.

Sandra, who has worked at her local McDonalds for 20 years is the only member of staff who can properly use the enchanted mop which cleans four times as fast and effectively as a regular mop.