"They found THE American Diner in Russia? Can you even be polite in a Russian accent? Especially when there's a reporter there with such awful puns and not enough vodka."
"Just don't ask me if her bottom looks big in that because I cannot lie. It looks huuuge. Ginormous even."
A man has been criticised for using one of the Donald Trump naked statues to tie his dog to while out on a walk this morning.
Donald Trump accused the media today of trying to spike his drinks before a major speech in an attempt to make him say things that would undermine his chances of winning in November.
In one of his most emotional interviews to date, Donald Trump revealed today his fears that people would mistaken him for Ron Burgundy if he grew a mustache.
Flossing is to be made illegal in England in one of the first acts of parliament following Brexit, according to the English Anti Flossing League.
Donald Trump promised to increase the height of the new wall between Mexico and the USA he is building by 6 inches today after being questioned by a Mexican reporter.
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)
Flipping coins, juggling fruit, and single handed tricks involving the remote control on your television or hifi are set to pepper your leisure time with an element of artistic excitement.
Absentminded doodles with big loops, but not small round loops, are well starred during coffee break or phone calls on the first three Tuesdays of the month. An eager eye might indicate a latent talent for predicting the future, even satire, with your scribbles (look for big eared local politicians to mercilessly lampoon). You might try to find Understanding Doodles Fo
Flipping coins, juggling fruit, and single handed tricks involving the remote control on your television or hifi are set to pepper your leisure time with an element of artistic excitement.
Absentminded doodles with big loops, but not small round loops, are well starred during coffee break or phone calls on the first three Tuesdays of the month. An eager eye might indicate a latent talent for predicting the future, even satire, with your scribbles (look for big eared local politicians to mercilessly lampoon). You might try to find Understanding Doodles Fo
"So, is that five howls out of five, or just one big howl out of five? These dog reviewers confuse me." Jessie Krufts, Physicist
The Smith family from Ipswich have beaten the world I-Spy record by 3 minutes while waiting in Dover to get through customs in France.
"Ice cream for the lizard thingie. Do they even eat ice cream? Let him try some he's been through enough already." Jimmy Popper, Animals Correspondent (Desert Animals) , CNN
"A bottom on the ground twerk? Hmm. That furry kid will go far." Jessie Krufts, Talent Scout
"The most likely explanation is that Michelle Obama invented a time machine went forward in time and copied Melania's speech." Jessie Krufts, Republican Campaigner
"Thank heavens kangaroos can't fly." Jessie Krufts, Flap Jack Champ
"It's a sad world when this would only make headline news if the squirrel got a gun and shot someone.#KnowWhatImSayin" Jimmy Popper, Fruit Correspondent (Strawberries) , CNN
Secret plans to trigger Article 5 ten times, instead of Article 50 once, have been uncovered this morning. Article 50 is the thingie they say you have to trigger if you want to leave the EU, according to our EU expert.
"I'm starting a campaign to get Vine videos increased in length from 6 seconds to 7 seconds each. JOIN ME!" Jimmy Popper, Campaigner
"His own legs are probably insured for $30 million a piece, he's right to take no chances." Jessie Krufts, Sport Lawyer
"You know me I'm all for shirtless dancing, but completely naked? It's a step too far." Kent Rugby, Dancer
The Conservative Party today came a step closer to electing a new Margaret Thatcher to become Prime Minister today, bringing to two the number of Margaret Thatchers to lead the Conservative Party in its history.