TheNilAdmirari

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Pentagon thanked Fox News for encouraging idiots with guns to "guard" recruitment centers in Wisconsin, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, and elsewhere after the July 16th gun attacks on two unarmed military posts that killed five. The Army Recruiting Command especially wanted to thank Fox News for creating a situation where unarmed servicemen have to guess if random men armed with guns outside of their posts are going to attack them or "protect" them.

LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Nation Rifle Association (NRA) announced the "good guy with a gun" who was supposed to be protecting a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana had the day off. The NRA explained how Jim-Bob Turner requested Thursday, July 23rd off two weeks in advance, but due to a "scheduling oversight" forgot to have his shift covered by another "good guy with a gun" at the theater where two people were killed by a "bad guy with a gun."

MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker announced today he wanted the Selective Service System to give him all of its records regarding all able-bodied men ages 18-30. Walker explained he wanted to use the list to offer incentives to registered American males to volunteer for military service before he is sworn in as president, and reinstates the draft for a war with Iran.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA survey of Americans who self-identified as a "small-government Republican" was released, and found 81.4% of participants did not know what being a "small-government Republican" actually meant. They ignored the real-world consequences to infrastructure, food and drug safety standards, regulations for clean air and water, education, healthcare, and many other government roles they simply took for granted.

KENYA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta rejected President Obama's assertion "gays are people and deserve equal human rights, not government endorsement and enforcement of intolerant religious-based laws against them." Kenyatta assured the world he was deeply honored to be Obama's host during his visit to Kenya, but claimed "Kenya does not need advice on what to do with its much-hated social deviant homosexual population."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Former Governor of Arkansas and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced today he much preferred Hitler to Obama, because Hitler "got good stuff done." Huckabee's remarks followed his scathing criticism of the nuclear deal President Obama brokered with Iran during which he stated Obama and Iran "will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven."

ANKENY, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie yelled at his one millionth American, but did not know it until this morning when he updated his "Bully Diary," which records his yelling exploits. The lucky American to be shouted down by Christie for approximately five minutes was an unidentified gun rights activist, who decided to challenge Christie's record on guns.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, GOP presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee was in New York City where hundreds of people witnessed him running from three men with nets before entering the News Corp. Building, which hosts the main studios of Fox News. Since that time, there has been a large police and medical presence outside the building, and Fox News has announced it is giving Huckabee "sanctuary from public health officials in general, but especially mental health experts."

DOUGLASVILLE, GEORGIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA was able to speak to Levi Bush, who drove one of seven Confederate flag flying pickup trucks onto a field where a black child's birthday party was taking place this weekend. Bush explained he and his friends crashed the birthday party in Douglasville, Georgia to "share our culture."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was considering former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin for a position in his cabinet, because Palin "is a very special lady, knows what is going on, and everyone just loves her." Palin thanked Trump for the consideration, accepted a position she called "Secretion of Fatherland Security," and gave her notice that she would quit within 2 1/2 years "just like in Alaska."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced today they were stepping away from misgoverning the country like drunken, syphilis-ridden jerks, and working on a team-building exercise to help them work together. While most Republicans seemed sworn to secrecy, TNA learned from an anonymous source the "team-building exercise" would involve kidnapping and hazing Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) out of revenge for his many slights to party members.

ZIMBABWE (The Nil Admirari) - The nation of Zimbabwe today announced it was unable to find American dentist Dr. Walter J. Palmer, who reportedly paid at least $50k to lure a 13-year-old lion named Cecil out of his sanctuary at Hwange National Park in order to kill and decapitate him. The white American male in possession of a lion's head has somehow alluded Zimbabwe officials, and gone into hiding after his failed attempt to cure his bedroom impotence - by killing Cecil - ignited worldwide outrage.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) escalated the shameless stupidity being voiced by delusional Republicans who think they are qualified to be president. Rubio, who claimed he was "anti-choice," stated that Cecil - a widely known Zimbabwe lion killed and decapitated by an impotent Minnesota dentist named Dr. Walter J. Palmer - "should have just gone to Planned Parenthood to die."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie told Fox and Friends that he was "not mad, just stop citing stupid poll numbers." Christie has consistently been polling lower than the margin of error in most national polls of likely Republican primary voters, and will not be eligible to participate in the first Republican debate being hosted by Fox News next week if that continues.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the College Board released the new AP History curriculum with changes demanded by American conservatives since 2012, when a retired history teacher named Larry Krieger took offense to the fact AP students weren't learning about the "perfect America" in his mind. When the Republican National Committee (RNC) learned the AP History curriculum also conflicted with the America in its collective head, it declared war on the College Board and demanded it emphasize "American exceptionalism and patriotism, and less of the inconvenient and...

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, civically-challenged Americans across the country announced they were looking forward to Planned Parenthood being defunded after highly edited and deceptive videos were released making it appear the organization was profiting from the sale of aborted fetuses. Not only has this group of conservative and anti-choice Americans ignored the fact fetal tissue is used for critical medical research to combat diseases like ALS, but it also believed a Senate vote expected as early as Monday would defund Planned Parenthood all on its own and forever.

STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Jerry Springer, the host of The Jerry Springer Show and former Democratic mayor of Cincinnati, announced he was changing parties so he could run for the Republican presidential nomination. Springer said he was running to "add some civility and decorum" to the Republican field of candidates, which he described as "lying Neanderthal clowns."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today it fired an adviser named Sam Nunberg for making racist statements shockingly similar to those Trump makes every day. Nunberg was fired after it was discovered he made offensive Trump-like statements on social media in 2007 and 2008. Nunberg denied he ever stated them, much like Trump would in his position.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the anti-choice movement in America was outraged when President Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood announced her organization was responsible for preventing more abortions than they were. Richards explained that because Planned Parenthood promoted contraception and education about having sex responsibly it was far more effective at stopping abortions than a bunch of hypocrites who ignore human sexuality and just tell people "sex bad, don't do it."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News announced Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie will stand next to each other during Thursday's debate hosted by the network. The announcement met with condemnation from the eight other participating Republican candidates, as it broke the debate rule stating candidates would be positioned based on their national poll numbers.