‘We were sitting around in a pop-up elevenses bar in Hoxton watching the news when it hit us. If tobacco and ham are supposedly the same now, well, there was only one thing to do,’ explained ‘hamfag’ enthusiast Tobias Ellis-Woods, lighting a smoked ham roll-up as he spoke
The tributes themselves bad been placed in memory of 34 people who had died in a fire which had ripped through the Grand Central shopping mall the previous week, in which a large pile of floral tributes, candles, toys and In Memoriam cards had accumulated in memory of the tragic victims of a fire at the Great Western Arcade the week previously.
The media and the Conservatives have slammed opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn for the respectability of his silence at yesterday's Remembrance Service. David Cameron also accused Mr Corbyn of forgetting the ultimate sacrifice our troops have made in direct contradiction of the day's slogan 'Lest We Forget'.
'Britain First', the enthusiastically racist Facebook group, celebrated the millionth momentary accidental racist, Brian Amersham, who shared their ‘99% of people won't share this Poppy pride post, will you?’ post.
The man on the moon featured in this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert has sent an angry letter back to the little girl on earth demanding to know what happened to the penguin he wanted. In an expletive-laden rant the man lambasted the girl for sending a telescope and not a penguin ‘like the cute little fucker from last year’s ad.’
‘VW's Dieselgate’ scandal widened to include Vauxhall today -who announced that they'd been selling shit cars but lying to customers that they were actually good.
Following an increase in A&E admissions various organisations have been urged to redraft their 'books' to minimise injuries whenever situations suggest throwing the book at people might be useful.
The Prime Minister has come under fire for posting pictures on his Facebook page in which he appears to be going over the top in the Battle of the Somme, leading the charge of the Light Brigade, and defeating the French at Agincourt.
The RFU got a post Halloween fright today when they realised that the Rugby World Cup went on after England's group stage exit, culminating in someone actually winning it.
‘I woke up on Monday morning in a cold sweat convinced I had left the lights on in my car or something,’ said organising Chairman Brian Yeoman. ‘I went downstairs, checked the car, then the back gate and few other things but still had that nagging doubt that I'd forgotten something. Then it hit me, I left the Rugby World Cup on and completely forgot about it!’
‘I woke up on Monday morning in a cold sweat convinced I had left the lights on in my car or something,’ said organising Chairman Brian Yeoman. ‘I went downstairs, checked the car, then the back gate and few other things but still had that nagging doubt that I'd forgotten something. Then it hit me, I left the Rugby World Cup on and completely forgot about it!’
The Met Office is reporting that the blanket of fog that is currently suffocating our country is due to remain for a second day, with experts warning that it is likely to cause wide-scale irritation.
‘One woman came in a nurse’s costume, but she was actually a nurse.’
Speaking during a morning adjournment to watch naked mud wrestling, Saudi Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir, Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif and US Secretary of State John Kerry agreed that Mr Putin’s fragrance of choice could be a major problem.
‘Originally our one child policy was accused of being anti human rights,’ said Derek Smythe. ‘But our prosperity rose, especially where pick and mix was concerned, as a result of decreased pilferage.’
‘Bringing home the bacon is fine, in moderation. But the reason I didn’t die before I got old was total abstention from bedroom pork products, including scratchings in my pyjamas.’
We will also be looking at repealing the Lords smoking ban, offering free alcohol between nine a.m. and midnight, removing the need for Lords to wear seatbelts and upping the speed limits their official cars can legally reach. It's the least we can do.'
‘Without all the black and white make-up and piercings it was impossible to recognise anyone.'
'If they had a decent broadband service, or even a half decent technical support team, we'd have cleared out their data weeks ago,' confirmed one of the hackers responsible for making Talk Talk look even worse than normal.
In an announcement timed to coincide with the forthcoming release of a film about Apple founder Steve Jobs, users of the Mac computer operating system have insisted on their right to be treated as a oppressed group, with all the privileges that entails.
Theresa May has criticised Britain’s police for having no black officers apart from Luther. In a speech to the Black Police Association, made in her front room last night, the Home Secretary commented. ‘In the past, one black and ethnic minority officer has always appeared in press photographs of the Notting Hill Carnival, dancing with a fat lady. What happened to him?’
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