⇩⇩⇩ TNA BREAKING NEWS ⇩⇩⇩ REYNOSA, MEXICO (The Nil Admirari): In the early hours of Friday morning, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump purchased the Mexican art gallery that produced Trump piñatas after Trump stated all illegal Hispanic immigrants were killers and rapists. Piñateria Ramirez was purchased by Trump for $30 million, and Trump says it will now be selling "Mexican Killer" and "Mexican Rapist" piñatas.
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AUGUSTA, MAINE (The Nil Admirari): Republican Governor of Maine Paul LePage announced today the slime covering his entire body was impossible to remove. The slime on LePage has been blamed for his efforts to cut programs for the poor, sick, elderly, children, and virtually every other person in Maine who is not very wealthy.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Supreme Court Justices Anthony M. Kennedy and Antonin Scalia threw punches at each other earlier today. The brief fistfight between the two erupted in the Court Chamber and involved the Court's 5-4 decision on Obergefell v. Hodges, which effective legalized gay marriage across the country.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Louisiana Governor Piyush "Bobby" Jindal announced today he intended to perform an exorcism on the hair of fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The exorcism on the demon-possessed locks was requested by Trump, who heard Jindal had performed an exorcism on a friend while he attended Brown University.
BILLUND, DENMARK (The Nil Admirari): LEGO Group announced today it will be transitioning from plastic building pieces to more sustainable broken glass building pieces. The company has relied on plastic since the late 1950s, but stated it will fully transition to broken glass building pieces in time for Christmas shopping this year.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The Republican Party and the few conservative hatemongers not associated with it announced today they have grown tired of the people they hate fighting back. The persecuted conservatives also stated they will no longer tolerate the intolerance and "sass" of those they are intolerant of.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson announced today he will keep his promise and marry a horse on September 18th of this year. TNA reported on May 4th that Carson had promised to marry a horse if the Supreme Court made gay marriage legal across the country, which it did yesterday.
FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari): The National Rifle Association (NRA) announced today it had a press release ready and waiting for the next mass shooting in the United States. NRA Executive Vice President and CEO Wayne LaPierre stated such preparedness was essential to highlight why victims of gun violence were negligent for not arming themselves.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly claimed he had "three to five black friends" so everyone should "shut their trap," because he had the credentials to talk about race relations in America. O'Reilly needed two days of constant public pressure to recall how many black friends he had after political pundit Kirsten Powers asked him that very question on "The O'Reilly Factor."
COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari): Today, the South Carolina legislature banned the Confederate flag from state government in response to last week's racially motivated shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church that killed nine black churchgoers. Governor Nikki Haley praised the move, but cautioned it involved compromising with the flag's supporters who demanded all homes and businesses in South Carolina hang a visible portrait of Confederate President Jefferson Davis.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The United States announced today is was putting "great effort" into "being more stupid than Russia is crazy" by risking war with Russia over Ukraine. President Obama said his administration would continue sending American military forces to NATO members in Eastern Europe so long as Russia continued to deploy more troops on its border with Ukraine.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Yesterday, the White House confirmed reports that President Obama has been steadily increasing his daily consumption of alcohol since moving into the presidential residence in January 2009. Obama stated his alcohol intake has grown every day "just to deal with Republicans and their bullshit."
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari): A national survey's findings on the sexual proclivities of America's anti-gay Christian leaders was released Sunday morning in time for many morning masses. The Boston University (BU) survey titled "Quantifying Anti-Gay Christian Leadership Duplicity" showed 7 out of every 10 respondents anonymously declared they were hiding at least one gay lover from virtually everyone else in their life.