TheNilAdmirari

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the Fox Broadcasting Company announced a new political reality show that will force contestants to work with each other respectfully to achieve common goals. "Work Together or Die" will take place in a wing of Bellevue Hospital in New York City, and boast contestants like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly.

IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee unveiled his "Boys Will Be Boys" platform today. Huckabee's platform touts his moral superiority and excuses murder, rape, and a whole host of other crimes if a male offender claims to be a Christian, but brings down the full force of the law for women, religious minorities, and members of the LGBT community.

GREECE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all Greeks who lived outside the capital of Athens decided it was time to break into the city-state model again to show the complete lack of cultural and political unity in Greece. The announcement was made by the Greek people in response to the Syriza government in Athens betraying Greeks by agreeing to a harsh bailout from the European Union (EU).

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney voiced his considerable displeasure with the nuclear agreement reached between the Obama administration and Iran. Cheney also announced his intention to travel to Iran and shoot Ayatollah Ali Khamenei - Supreme Leader of Iran - in the face with birdshot.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Congressional Republicans announced today that despite a nuclear agreement between President Obama and Iran they were still very optimistic about a war with the Iranians. Republicans pointed to the extremists in Iran and to themselves as being the ultimate reason why peace would never be successfully negotiated between the two powers.

IRAQ & SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - The Islamic State announced today its long-term goal was to be more deadly to Americans than armed Americans. The terrorist group released its statement after getting its hands on statistics showing tens of thousands more Americans have been killed by other Americans with guns than by all Islamic terrorist attacks and all wars combined since September 10th, 2001.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Department of Defense (DoD) announced today Operation Loon Star was far from being completed in Texas and would definitely not be finished prior to the start of Operation Jade Helm 15 on Wednesday. Operation Loon Star was originally reported on by TNA on May 13th, and is a military operation that began on May 15th with the objective of addressing a mental health epidemic in Texas.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Koch brothers' puppet Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) announced his candidacy to destroy America's economy by using the same failed trickle-down economic policies he has employed in Wisconsin. Walker's announcement was largely overshadowed by the unfolding debt crisis in Greece, which Walker promised would pale in comparison to what he intended to do to the global economy.

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari) - The Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) had a bake sale outside the South Carolina State House today to raise money to increase its ownership of 21st Century Fox (FOXA), which is the parent company of Fox News. At present, the KKK group owns 3% of Fox News and has a goal of reaching 5% ownership by the end of 2015.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, actor and comedian Bill Cosby announced he will run for president as a Republican. The producer and star of "The Cosby Show" believed the accusations he drugged and raped 40+ women over four decades will be viewed as a positive by Republican primary voters, because "I take what I want and blame the victims after exploiting them."

MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker signed a $73 billion two-year budget today that will establish a feudalistic system throughout the state beginning in January 2016. The budget from the Republican-dominated legislature mandates all residents of Wisconsin who do not make at least $250,000 annually will be serfs tied to specific portions of land owned by a wealthy lord they are legally required to provide labor for.

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - A new Texas school textbook titled "Remembering the Great Confederacy" analyzes Robert E. Lee's presidency and the South's freeing of the slaves following the Civil War. The Texas Board of Education has announced the book will be used in every district in the state beginning this coming school year.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Nil Admirari finished negotiations with the Republican National Committee (RNC) today and will host a Republican presidential debate on September 28th, 2015 at the Providence Performing Arts Center (PPAC) in Providence, Rhode Island. Unlike the Republican debates sponsored by the Mickey Mouse news outlets, the Nil Admirari debate will include every person who has registered to run for president as a Republican.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congressional Republicans announced this morning they intended to increase infrastructure funding and would more than quadruple the current expenditure by the end of the month. Republicans stated the only things to be exempt from the new funding will be any infrastructure Obama uses regularly, may use in the future, or may benefit from in any way.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced today he wanted Jesus Christ to be the official animal of the United States instead of the bald eagle. His position quickly split the Republican Party into two camps, and the topic has already started to overshadow other issues on the campaign trail like the economy, social policy, and foreign policy.

ATHENS, GREECE (The Nil Admirari): Early Tuesday morning, Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras challenged German Chancellor Angela Merkel to a high-stakes game of Russian roulette in Greece's latest plan to deal with its massive debt. Tsipras announced that if he lost Greece will accept a German-sponsored plan to resolve the debt crisis, but if Merkel lost Germany must support forgiving all of Greece's debts.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, President Barack Obama signed an executive order outlawing all forms of Christianity in the United States. Executive Order 60666 closes all Christian churches and seizes all Christian property, especially guns.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The Pentagon announced today a new Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter had lost over a dozen dogfights to a 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane. The June 18th engagements showed the World War I-era Sopwith Camel exhibited "superior maneuverability and fighting aptitude" compared to its F-35 opponent.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): A study released today showed Americans have a distressing ignorance about the history of the United States, including its founding. Approximately 78% of surveyed Americans either incorrectly identified the country they celebrate independence from or refused to identify the country while claiming they wanted to see if the researcher knew it first.

BOONE, IOWA (The Nil Admirari): The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has been selling illegal fireworks by a roadside in Boone, Iowa for the last few days. Graham stated his struggling campaign was "thinking outside the box" for ways to raise money and allow Iowans to meet him in person.