A petition signed by 5000 insomniacs has been handed in to Manchester United asking the board to retain the services of under-pressure boss Louis Van Gaal.
An 84 year old man from Melbourne will attempt to climb to the top of Jerry Hall, in a three day expedition which has never been undertaken before by anyone under 60.
Researchers concluded that the greatest cause of anxiety was being asked questions about their washing habits.
Electronics giant Samsung has sought to get ahead in a crowded high-end technology market by unveiling its new creation, the first in a new generation of 'smartarse TVs'. The new device has 4096GB of memory, most of which is taken up with trivia and resolutely-held opinions which the television can dispense liberally whenever it senses a human in the vicinity.
Customer reaction to the super smart, 407 inch, OLED-backlit web-enabled cylindrical-screened Hawking3000 has been mixed. Steve Minsky of Colchester explained: 'It's great at first; you actually sit inside the screen, I was hospitalis
Customer reaction to the super smart, 407 inch, OLED-backlit web-enabled cylindrical-screened Hawking3000 has been mixed. Steve Minsky of Colchester explained: 'It's great at first; you actually sit inside the screen, I was hospitalis
34 year-old Colin Parker was surprised to discover that his wife, Lucy Parker, could condemn her parents with impunity, but that he should restrain from making any derogatory remark. Following a 13-minute rant in which Lucy berated her Mum’s nagging about future grandchildren and her Dad’s problem with whiskey, his insightful comments to support those complaints were regarded as sheer wanton abuse.
The story was quite hard to concentrate on, although it possibly featured a number of less photogenic subjects such as oppressed Palestinians and starving Africans, but ooh, look, there she is again from that rom-com 'He's Just Not That Into You,' the one where she goes skinny-dipping.
Shoreditch resident Melvin Sharp was left 'saddened and disappointed' after the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the Tunisian National Dialogue Quartet.
Mr Sharp, a part time graphic designer, had spent the previous 12 months faithfully signing 157 petitions that have appeared on his Facebook and Twitter feeds, hoping that his very public activity may get him noticed by the Nobel committee.
Mr Sharp, a part time graphic designer, had spent the previous 12 months faithfully signing 157 petitions that have appeared on his Facebook and Twitter feeds, hoping that his very public activity may get him noticed by the Nobel committee.
Twelve members of Islamic State have been left seriously amused after a ruthless gang of satirists forced their way into its headquarters and proceeded to ridicule up the place.
Sarcasm, parody and irony are all said to have been used in what many are seeing as a broader attack on everyone's freedom to stone homosexuals or cut babies in half.
Sarcasm, parody and irony are all said to have been used in what many are seeing as a broader attack on everyone's freedom to stone homosexuals or cut babies in half.
The BBC has announced it is axing its critically-acclaimed adaptation of Tolstoy's literary classic War and Peace after just one episode, replacing it with a tense political drama based on Jeremy Corbyn's shadow cabinet reshuffle.
Prime Minister David Cameron explained the reasons behind the move: "We want to be seen as the party of future growth and fertility. Not just fertility in terms of procreation, obviously, but also fertility of ideas and the fulfillment of aspirations.
Sleeping on the damp-patch may soon be relegated to the past, according to female scientists at Ohio State University. The Aqua 365 Absorber Screw, which sucks up moisture at the flick of a switch, was developed after millions of complaints by women left to sleep on the pecker trail. Volunteers reported a 95.5% satisfaction rate in trials after using the device.
Skills learned kicking your head in now applied in high flying careers
The Financial Conduct Authority has shelved its banking inquiry and told consumers to 'stop whining like a little girl'. Rather than challenge the culture of the city of London, the FCA is said to favour offering brokers candle-lit meals, a shoulder rub and unlimited access to everyone's savings.
'I am disappointed to face charges related to an alleged incident in 2004. I deny all accusations that I put my boopachop in my accuser’s simbydoop after I had put some sleepy-deeps in her slurpydrunkjuice,' he said.
The Environment Agency has responded to the floods in the north of England by raising its threat indicator from the baseline 'Tickety-boo' straight to 'Something really should be done', by-passing the interim stages of 'A bit of a rum do', 'Just not cricket' and 'Simply not on, old boy'.
Beige has now been officially declared the ‘new black’ on the Isle of Wight. The popularity of beige trousers, skirts and jackets has seen most other colours, other than duck egg blue, relegated to the recycling bin. Top clothing outlets, including Newport High Street’s Edinburgh Woollen Mill, are fast running out of beige slippers and blousons.
'It's really important that we give the little children all we can until the war is won,' said Prime Minister David Cameron in his annual message. 'Not that we started it, of course. We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world was turning. Is that right?’
After flooding wrecked some houses in parts of Cumbria for a second or even a third time this month, local residents have been asked to spare a thought for others. Most of those in the merely soggy parts of Britain are facing up to a nightmarish Christmas Day in the hearts of their families.
In a milestone for international space travel and cosmic cable-laying, proud astronaut Tim Peake has achieved the dream and crimped off the first ever British length on an orbital space station.
After having jettisoned his historic teddys' leg into the void 400km above earth, Tim emerged from the ablutions capsule to meet Mikhail Korniyenko.
After having jettisoned his historic teddys' leg into the void 400km above earth, Tim emerged from the ablutions capsule to meet Mikhail Korniyenko.
Sid Morgan, author of the now famous festive pun, has ironically been electrocuted by a set of Christmas lights on Barnsley High Street. The joke elevated Mr Morgan from an office worker to a world-wide celebrity and his work was translated into no less than two different languages. He went on to tour the world for the next three decades where he would be booked to deliver the line at office Christmas parties.