From Our Movies Correspondent: In an effort to save money, the next James Bond to be hired will sing the theme himself, in one of the most audacious money saving moves in the history of the popular spy movie franchise.
"Water melons have a far cuter butt than zebras in this reviewers opinion." Kent Rugby, Healthy Man
The pig in the now infamous, and completely denied, David Cameron and pig picture has been found, according to online sources.
"Is the bird named George W Bush by any chance?" Jessie Krufts, Presidential Historian
"It's still a better love story than Twilight." Jessie Krufts, Bean Counter
David Cameron admitted to reporters outside his home tonight that he had had 'a pig of a day', according to reporters awaiting outside his house.
"I tickle torture my cat behind his ears. He fetches me my newspaper now, well more like drags it to me... But, on balance, brilliant."
John McDonnell, the new Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, is now so far beyond parody, satirists of all political parties have thrown in the towel, choosing to make pots instead according to sources close to the matter.
"That Gorilla is naked." Jessie Krufts, Commentator
Wayne Rooney is now a better footballer than Bobby Charlton, after scoring 50 goals for England.
Rooney, 32, didn't howl with tears after scoring the most important goal of his Bobby Charelton beating career.
Rooney, 32, didn't howl with tears after scoring the most important goal of his Bobby Charelton beating career.
"Well, I'd rather be possessed than obese." Jessie Krufts, Fat Shamer
"That is terrifying if you reverse it. Eeek. Attacked by a squawking dead duck flying through the air into his hand... I won't sleep for a week after watching that backwards." Jessie Krufts, Producer
The BBC started filming the prequel to Lady Chatterley's Lover, by DH Lawrence, in Lower under Haye, Monday, sources close to the kennels have revealed.
From Our Business Correspondent: The Chinese financial crisis in China this week has not led to any noticeable increase in the sales of albums from 1980s chart toppers China Crisis, latest financial figures seen by this newspaper show.
"Spect-cat-ular. Geddit?" Jessie Krufts, Retired 1950s Satirist
A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS
Association of International Frog Worshippers Best Aquarius Prediction, March 2014
Dial-Up Fastest Horoscope Download of the Year, 1994
The Humble John McCain Fellowship Best Prediction Involving Soup In A Horoscope, May 2015
Association of International Frog Worshippers Best Aquarius Prediction, March 2014
Dial-Up Fastest Horoscope Download of the Year, 1994
The Humble John McCain Fellowship Best Prediction Involving Soup In A Horoscope, May 2015
Organisers of the Layer under Haye fete, August Bank Holiday Monday 2-5pm, say they have managed to book the Segway cameraman who tripped up world famous running Jamaican Usain Bolt.
"I said to one of the park attendants: 'Oh come on, a smile isn't going to kill you.' And so she eventually smiled and then clutches her chest and acted dead. That told me. Banksy 1 Jessie 0." Jessie Krufts, Cynic
The Segway cameraman who controversially managed to catch up with the world's fastest man Usain Bolt from behind, has not had his booking to cover the next G8 meeting of world leaders cancelled, we have been told.
"It's not Pick Of The POPs it's Pick Of The GOPS. Geddit?" Jessie Krufts, Local Radio DJ