Shady Acres Retirement Home—Dr. Henry Heimlich was in the news earlier this week after saving a fellow retirement home tenant from choking. More details of the incident are emerging that throw the famous anti-choke artist into a decidedly different light. According to witnesses, before Mr. Heimlich was able to eject the goods, a Lemony Snicket-like series of…
To keep in practice Sanders to debate bar stool.
What do we know about Republican foreign policy? About as much as they do, nadda, nichts, zilch. We do know they want to bomb everything that moves. On that note, my friend Keith is screwed. When polled, nearly a third of our rightwing citizenry want to bomb Agrabah (a fictional Disney city). True story …not about Aladdin,…
Stuck between a Trump and some hard-drive space?
Syria—The head of the self-proclaimed Islamic State, Abdul Mohammed-Edlestein, is claiming responsibility for Donald Trump. ISIS worked diligently to infilitrate the Donald’s personality and promised a “really great deal”, if he agreed to work for them as a double agent. “We promised him cars and girls,” said Mohammed-Edelestein. “The usual. We did this using a…
Mr. Trump’s testicles were unavailable for comment.
Cleveland, OH—The CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, is confirming the RNC’s intentional release of Zika carrying mosquitos in swing states as part Operation Freedumb’s Bite. Republicans are concerned about their upcoming general election chances. It remains unclear if they can win on the uneducated, angry white-vote alone. With the release of Zika, the frontal…
“And I am not a RINO!! I shot that fucker too.” —Donald Trump
Burlington, VT—In an attempt to woo democratic superdelgates towards his cause, Senator Bernie Sanders enacted a little understood and rarely seen political courting ritual. The event took place earlier today at an undisclosed location outside of Burlington Vermont. To keep with his message, Senator Sanders charged 27 dollars a plate and his wife made most of the food from scratch. Although the impact of this…
Vain Manor—The Trump campaign is reeling after allegations have surfaced that involve The Donald’s personal butler encouraging the assassination of our sitting president on social sites. Mr. Trump is standing by his long time friend, “My butler is a great man. He’s the best, great man and he is totally innocent. First off, he would never say stuff…
Why is everyone getting this Trump thing so wrong? Trump didn’t kill the republican party, Beauty killed the beast. Actually, stupidity killed the beast, but the death of conservatism, under the weight of its own ignorance is not surprising. Today’s Grand Old Party is like that donkey Eeyore on an Alabama tilt-a-whirl—a sad state of affairs all…
Columbus, OH—The Governor of Ohio, John Kasich, still plans to suspend his campaign, but he promises to deliver a second and final concession speech that “will last all the way until the convention in July.” Senator Kasich told the press today, “This isn’t officially over until I say it is. And my plan is to take a long,…
In related news: a black-eyed Susan is wanted for questioning in a domestic violet case.
New York, NY—Donald Trump was all smiles today as he held aloft his honorary degree from Trump University. Dean Izzy Credentialed claims, “The honorary version of our six-figure degree is just as valid as the real thing. Sadly.” Upon receiving the honor, Trump stated, “I don’t generally do the humbled thing, but if I did, this would be that time…
Conservatives are quick to quote the Constitution and complain how the left is always out to destroy life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness …well, at least liberals can multitask. Kidding! Republicans have shown an aptitude for starting and losing multiple conflicts simultaneously. Does anyone else find it odd how conservative-types only seem content when they’re gutting our liberties in the name of freedom? Or,…
Will Martha Stewart become Head of the Department of Interior?
Thus far Megyn Kelly is refusing to don the gold bikini for The Donald.