Brussels, BE—If the German Prime Minister, Angela Merkel, was trying to portray a strong and resolute European Union today, she did nothing of the sort. She arrived at the latest EU conference to discuss the details of The United Kingdom’s withdrawal carrying three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. Sweden, Finland, and Spain did not even get one as Merkel apparently…
I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer),…
“I’m changing the main tenant of Buddhism from Harm None, to Harm One, which is still relatively pacifistic.” —Dalai Lama
The Fourth Circle of Hell—Many are questioning the devil’s decision to host the first presidential debate. What’s even more disturbing for some is Lucifer’s choice to hold the event in the Fourth Circle. Dante’s Hell has a total of 9 Circles, and 4 bathrooms, but recent national polling indicates the majority of Americans feel the debate should be held in…
Flagstaff, AZ—Maloney’s Pub, located in historic downtown Flagstaff, has been a local favorite for many NAU college students unfamiliar with the taste of good beer. The origins of the smell—which patrons describe as a stale uriney, frat-style vomit—remained a mystery, until now… ISIS marketing coordinator Abdul Abdul Abdullah explains, “Radicalized odors are all part of…
Buckingham Palace—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is “as surprised as anyone” after learning he was able to purchase jolly old England for just under the estimated worth of the Daily Discord.com. Winslow told reporters today, “I actually took a page from Zano, I know, weird. We need to know the conservative position on everything so we can adopt the…
Liberal V Delusional has always been a main theme here in ZanoLand. Instead of just covering known cognitive distortions and how they relate to today’s politics, I would like to submit my own term for beer review ….uh, peer review. I have already covered political propaganda for years, and yet I still have no idea why these techniques are so wildly effective…
In related news: Trump denies spelling internment wrong on Twitter. Merriam Webster issues a formal apology to Emperor Trump.
South Fork, MO—Cooter and Reeves had some city folks in town for the weekend, so they decided to round up the gang for the traditional Snipe Hunt initiation. As a result one person remains in cynical condition today after what many are calling a prank gone horribly hick. Snipe hunting enthusiasts insist tens of thousands of snipe hunting expeditions have…
Cleveland, OH—High school sophomore, Josh Milgram, drank three Mad Dog 20/20s during a class field trip and decided he wanted to walk along the railing at the Cleveland Zoo’s seal enclosure. Within a few yards he fell face first onto some rocks, directly amongst a family of ravenous seals. Mr. Milgram brandished his corn dog and began making…
Here’s Pokey’s last article, dissected into tiny segments of wrongness for your enjoyment. And, yes, it will be humorous or my name isn’t Mick Zano …and it isn’t. When conservatives accidentally stumble upon the truth they always seem to claim ownership—not like scholars and gentlemen, more like cats. We can link back to who said what first, Pokey! Didn’t…
Baja, MX—For reasons yet to be determined a massive school of Republican superdelegates beached themselves along the Baja coast earlier today. Some theorize the burden of backing Donald Trump at the Republican National Convention was simply too much for many to bear. Today’s events throw doubt as to the relative health and competence of the Grand Old Party and it raises…
WARNING: This is the first in a series of 800. What if women were on average twice as strong as men? First off, I should point out why women aren’t currently twice as strong as men. You might think it is so men will be more attracted to them, but you would be wrong. It’s because…
The Sanders Campaign realizes they’re mathematically toast, but Bernie is insisting his zombie campaign continues to stagger aimlessly around the country in search of more young brains. Sanders told reporters today, “Remember those walkers from the Walking Dead? This is nothing like that. It’s a terrible analogy.” Some of Bernie’s closest advisors are admitting he really…
Agrabah—In a move that some are calling premature, Donald Trump is already Tweeting other world leaders in an effort to make America Tweet Again. Mr. Trump told the press today, “Lately I have been Tweeting a lot in the middle of the night, but not all of it is just Rosie O’Donnell and Hillary Clinton jokes. It’s not. Sure…
A prime example of a false equivalency appeared in my last article, which made me realize I haven’t done justice to this subject, or any other subject for that matter. False equivalencies are a prevalent tactic for the GOP. It’s the cognitive distortion of choice for a group who keeps trying to make the argument that they still…
Results may vary.
When she first came around, I was vaguely attracted to her, I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why: she had long red hair, and I’m a sucker for that stuff. Other than that, not really my type. Too thin. She was also a bit nutty, but that never stopped me before.Anyway, a friend…