Saying it was the only responsible thing to do, a group of scientists reluctantly launched a spacecraft to nudge an asteroid into the path of planet earth.
Declaring a deadly coronavirus outbreak is no excuse for flavorless eggs and pasty half-cooked bacon, a well-known food critic reviews a NY hospital cafeteria.
Tracking of your mobile phone to show up unexpectedly and discuss unpaid balances is just one of the ways we're here for you.
"Improv is all about embracing what someone is saying and raising the stakes," said Mr. Grinell. "Surveillance on American citizens? Do it. Covert weapons to fund freedom fighters? I'm in. Smuggling yellow cake for an East African warlord to retrieve a lost drone. Hell yes! It's that simple."
“To see that the sun is made of this delicious material is more than we could have hoped for."
"We know who the people are that came over from the House of Representatives," said the president's Deputy Patrick Philbin. "We watched them walk across the rotunda and walk in here and deliver the articles. But can anyone tells us who we are?" he asked.
A local group of musicians gathered in their garage to form a new Rush tribute band decided to hang it up on Saturday after realizing there was absolutely no way they would ever be able to play their music.
"The wrong piece of evidence can get a defendant convicted," the judge said. "So we make every effort to head that off before it becomes a problem."
Saying a software fix was on the way, Boeing executives assured the FAA that every 737 Max would include cross-platform multi-player mode on the Xbox One.
Abruptly snatched from the eternal netherworld, former British leader Winston Churchill was reincarnated recently as a bloke from the pub down the street.
As they watch the final season of Game of Thrones unfold, fans have begun freaking out in therapists offices across the nation that the show will end just like the Sopranos.
A little known astronomer caused an uproar in the scientific community today after leaving a red lifesaver candy on the lens of a powerful telescope.
Building on the popularity of the changes to this year's tax forms, the U.S. Congress promised to work hard in the coming months to add 14 additional worksheets.
President Trump ordered his Chief of Staff to grant Russian President Vladimir Putin a the highest security clearance available from the US government.
Saying that Fake News is using too many needless words in their posts, the president declared a ban on using extra words.
"We've been planning this for about two hundred years, but we had to get the caves ready to live in - so, we're just finally starting to move down there."
Facing a steep decline in bookings for facials, spa owners across the country sought to reassure the public that there is nothing wrong with moisturizing.
Saying he was only just getting started, Robert Mueller released the first of 973 leather-bound volumes detailing Americans' deplorable disregard for the rule of law, and subsequent decent into total decadency. Now available at Barnes and Noble.
Saying it's been hanging over his head for months, Robert Mueller started cranking out that report he's been putting off, which is due like really, really soon.
Increasingly frustrated with congress' inaction on his initiatives, President Trump ordered the National Guard to begin work on an eight-story cheeseburger.