Jacob Zuma will spend $5m to build a brothel facility at his presidential home in the Nkandla compound it was announced last night.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® )  - It's summertime and that means millions of Americans will be heading down to the beach to beat the warm temperatures. But this is also causing great alarm among U.S. health officials because of the fact that skin cancer, mostly from sun exposure, is the most common of all cancers.…

MIAMI, Florida (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Miss Universe is up for sale! No, not Paulina Vega, the reigning title holder from Colombia, but Miss Universe the pageant. Republican presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump told reporters he was putting his 49% stake in the pageant on the market. Trump has been the face…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican National Committee announced today it will be having all of its presidential candidates compete with each other to see who can make a child of illegal immigrants cry the fastest. The competition will be named "Only the Republican Who Makes a Child of Illegal Immigrant Parents Cry Fastest Can Truly Protect America," and will take place at 9pm EST on Thursday, August 20th near the El Paso, Texas border crossing.

MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker announced today he wanted the Selective Service System to give him all of its records regarding all able-bodied men ages 18-30. Walker explained he wanted to use the list to offer incentives to registered American males to volunteer for military service before he is sworn in as president, and reinstates the draft for a war with Iran.

Police are to begin a controversial tupperware amnesty due to tupperware users never f*cking getting them back.

A local iPhone was bluntly honest in a dating profile when it wrote that its hobbies included “being taken into bathrooms” and “watching [its] owner crap.”

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie told Fox and Friends that he was "not mad, just stop citing stupid poll numbers." Christie has consistently been polling lower than the margin of error in most national polls of likely Republican primary voters, and will not be eligible to participate in the first Republican debate being hosted by Fox News next week if that continues.

CLEVELAND, Ohio (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The stage is set for the Republican presidential debate to be held at 9 p.m. on Thursday at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. It will air live on the Fox News Channel with moderators Chris Wallace, Megyn Kelly and Bret Baier. The GOP  debate will feature candidates who made it…

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - ...Fox News attempted to embarrass, humble, and knockout billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during the prime time debate hosted by the network. For some inexplicable reason - and despite hundreds of interviews with Trump - Fox News forgot that engaging Trump was the trigger for the candidate's famous and often contradictory word salad, loud "truth telling," and general bombasity the Republican base loves.

PORTLAND, OR — "We had no idea the nasty stench that stuff was covering up."

As Australian authorities move to ban Vegemite from sale in some communities because it is being bought in bulk and used to make alcohol, we sent our reporter to find out what the alcohol made out of Vegemite actually taste like. And what we found out may shock many of our gentle readers.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned Americans if they did not elect him president everyone would die. Graham asserted the United States would only be safe from "those very scary Muslims" under his watch.

Chancellor Plans to Boost UK Manufacturing by Forcing Poor to Literally Consume Goods. Scheme to 'Eat Deficit' by Conspicuous Consumption Condemned by Economists and Medics Alike.

45 year-old truck driver and avowed white supremacist Luke Chandler of Alabaster, Alabama finished his appearance on Jeopardy this Thursday with a score of –22,600, a new record low for any contestant on the game show since its inception in 1964.

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The latest FOX News-Washington Post poll shows Donald Trump pulling away from his closest Relublican rivals in the presidential race. Latest numbers show Trump at 45% compared to second placers Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush who are now tied at 12%. Trump's poll surge has been largely…

TORONTO — Los Angeles Lakers legend Kobe Bryant maintained his composure during a touching All-Star pregame ceremony hon…

New York, NY – The Jolly Green Giant stopped by CBS This Morning today for an unannounced visit.  The show was already filled up with segments about how to cook healthier pork, kids that scream in the grocery store, and a Gayle King editorial about the rising prices of handbags.

Kalamazoo, MI – My name is Miranda and my house is right next to a Mexican restaurant called El Gato.  

Tim Cook, the leader of Apple, has said he is happy to be water boarded if it comes to it after his company refused to help the FBI in what many are saying is a marketing stunt gone too far.