ARIES Mar 20 - Apr 19
Mistletoe, but not the berries, are well starred in any lip, tongue or nose touching endeavours this month. (The optimal hanging height in any kissing based festive intrigue is 6ft 9in unless your aunt is still seeing that professional basketball player in which the height is 3 ft higher.)y

Hillary Clinton to receive certificate for "good job" keeping America's secrets while she headed the State Department.

Detroit Rap-Rocker Kid Rock is ready to answer the call...

LeMonade: MI5, the British security service that came to fame in the James Bond movies, are so paranoid that the country will vote to leave Europe on 23rd June that they tried to put a bug in Boris Johnson's hair, according to an insider Brexit supporter.

London UK – (satireworld.com)
British actress Emma Watson, who played Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series of films, admitted today that one of her “fake nudes” posted on the internet is actually her. Watson, who is twenty-four years old, is the subject of thousands of photo-shopped nude pictures on the World Wide Web.

Today, the US Senate approved, and the President is expected to sign, a landmark deal where popular national parks partner with successful private business ventures. Touted as a landmark in of itself, the deal will provide the US treasury with sorely needed funds and provide needed jobs in a slowly recovering economy here in the US.

Chicago, IL – (SatireWorld.com)

A Chicago man has broken the world record for the number of years spent without bathing. Friends say he’s spent the last 60 years without taking a bath. After learning of the story, the Chicago Tribune recently published pictures of the 80 year old man who has lived in the Chicago south side his whole life.

Fears were growing last night that Theresa May's government are going to insist on Black Pudding on the menu in the negotiations for a Full English Breakfast Brexit, according to a written sheet seen by telephoto lenses of a person walking into Number 10.

AMERICA--Men across the nation have rallied together to demand that transgender people who have male genitalia come on into the men's room with them, like God intended. "Is that a penis?" asks Stan Jordan, red-blooded American male, "Then get your ass in here with me." The demands have grown as LGBT advocates have fought for…

Feeling lucky? Las Vegas oddsmakers are offering the chance to wager on the proposition someone will die as a direct result of something Donald Trump shared on Twitter.

Hazard also explained Clinton became extremely agitated when she learned Bernie Sanders had not called to quit the race, and charged, "I can't believe he hasn't quit yet. I just can't believe it."

Washington DC – (satireworld.com)
The US Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) has released an early list of 10 approved safe children’s toys for holiday presents and gift giving, suitable for lay-away plans if you have a job. CPCS notes that these toys are safe, but may be scary.

Corporate media consumers were urged to continue watching the developing story so they could appreciate how afraid they needed to be, and how terrorism must be the automatic assumption when the cause of a tragedy was not immediately known.​

Breaking News!!!
Corn Pone, TN – (SatireWorld.com)
Tennessee State highway patrol officials say the blue 2013 Prius pulled from a 25 foot snow bank is a car registered to Albert Gore. A passing motorist saw a faint glimmer of a tail light flashing from within the massive snowbank near Hollow Brook Road in rural Tennessee. Police say the body inside was frozen so stiff from the -23 deg F temperatures they had to cut the roof and doors off the vehicle to remove the body.

SAN FRANCISCO, California (The Adobo Chronicles, San Francisco Bureau) - The contest between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for the Democratic presidential nomination is heating up, and millenials as well as septuagenarians have jumped into the fray. Are you with Cher, or are you with the millennials?

Long-suffering under a steady stream of mockery over the years, Jesus returned to Earth Monday to finally smite "these godless purveyors of nonsense and buffoonery."

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) - Previously, The Adobo Chronicles reported that Donald Trump has secured four A-1 list performers for his January 20 inaugural. These include Jackie Evancho, Manny Pacquiao, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Justin Bieber. Today, the Trump inaugural committee announced that five more A-1 list performers have been confirmed to make the…

Hollywood, CA – (satireworld.com)
Hoping to cash in on the successful match-up of actor Johnny Depp and the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Walt Disney Pictures announced the start of filming for the controversial movie biography of Subway pitchman Jared Fogle with Depp starring as the beleaguered spokesperson now serving 18 years in prison for child molestation.

Shocking results of a genealogical investigation into Donald Trump's ancestry has linked the GOP presidential candidate to one of the Founding Fathers of the United States.

White House Press Secretary Raj Shah released a statement to the press yesterday concerning President Trump and his referring to some immigrant countries as “shitholes”.