WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she only planned to make one or two mistakes like her 2002 vote to give Republican President George W. Bush the authority to invade Iraq. Clinton assured Americans she would apologize "extremely sincerely" for an inevitable future mistake or two that could be compared to the costly war with, and subsequent occupation of, Iraq.

“It’s really awesome because it’s got tons of me in it!” says Matt Damon as he described his latest film to a group of fawning journalists during a press briefing earlier today organized by his production company Matt Damon Is God Productions.

Communist candidate for president Bernie Sanders called for a ban on Thanksgiving today, disparaging America's most solemn and cherished of traditions.

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man with serious health problems and crippling medical debt announced Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont may have progressive policy solutions to help him avoid financial ruin, disability, and death, but he disliked Sanders' record on guns. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, cited Sanders' NRA rating of "D-" as the reason why he openly supported Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump, "who always says what is on his mind..."

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Last week, a bigoted Kentucky woman who has been breaking federal law and disrespecting the supreme authority of the Constitution since late June - all because she hates "the gays" - was awarded a plaque by a well-known national bigoted organization for being a prominent bigot in 2015. Today, the notable bigot displayed her bigot plaque in the office where she continued to not do her job, and returned to making a mockery of the rule of law while she hid behind her religion to continue being bigoted.

Cleveland, OH – The distrust and acrimony between police officers and common citizens continues to escalate.  Proof is in the most recent incident that took place on the east side of Cleveland.

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles)  - GMA News is reporting that Filipino champion boxer Manny Pacquiao has confirmed that he is running for senator of the Philippines, with the blessings of his wife, mother and God. The congressman from the province of Saranggani follows in the footsteps of U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, Scott Walker, who when he…

WOLFSBURG, Germany (The Adobo Chronicles) - Apple faces some serious competition for its new product, the Apple Watch, and it's coming from an automaker, Volkswagen. Volkswagen, the world's largest automaker, is in deep trouble over its rigging of diesel engine emissions tests in America and Europe. The company falsified U.S. pollution tests by installing software ("defeat devices")…

Is Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn High Priest of a Powerful Witches' Coven? Astonishing Claims From Tory Back Bencher Who Alleges that Corbyn Plans to Destroy Britain Through Black Magic.

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush promised Americans he would never admit the war in Iraq was a mistake, because he felt "the history book people" would eventually agree his administration's decision to willingly lie about a pretext to invade another sovereign country "was totally okay." Bush was adamant about never admitting the invasion - and subsequent unplanned occupation - of Iraq was a massive mistake only a day after former British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the war in Iraq.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush was widely criticized for his latest jobs plan failing to get presidential rival Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) back to work. Bush's plan was declared "a complete failure" by conservative and liberal observers alike for its exclusive reliance on guilt, and failure to give Rubio any incentives to get back to work.

Green Bay, WI – First time home buyer Veronica Brunwald, 28, has contacted a real estate agent to take her next step towards the American dream.  Brunwald has been working as a Medical Secretary at the BayCare Clinic and saving her money for 5 years.  She also does part-time snow removal on the side for some extra cash.

MOBILE, ALABAMA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a seven-year-old boy named Jonathan Mercy concluded the American healthcare system was immoral and "the s-word." Jonathan came to his conclusion after his parents - who have no health insurance - went to the local pharmacy to fill a prescription, but were unable to afford the $13,000 price tag for a month's supply of a drug his mother needed to treat her cancer.

In what is becoming an eerily regular occurrence, armed gunmen injured and killed dozens of innocent citizens in California today for no apparent reason.

GOULBURN, Australia (The Adobo Chronicles) - Many of us have heard the phrase, "It's raining cat's and dogs," and it's really more of a figure of speech.  We've also heard "It's raining men," but that's a 1980's hit song by The Weather Girls. However, in Australia, when one says, "It's raining spiders," it really IS…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedoms of all Americans to earn lower wages and become unemployed. President Obama explained the two innately-American liberties would be protected by the TPP, which will make it even easier for corporations to offshore American jobs to countries with lower wages.

Biloxi, MS –  It all went down at a small Piccadilly Cafeteria in Biloxi.  All the food sat in the back room freezer waiting to get the call to the microwaves and the food lines before human consumption.

Today, the same elite media who no doubt send their own kids to private schools that employ armed security, just can’t stop howling ridicule at the NRA’s idea to give every student in America those same protections.

New York – It was obvious to one man riding the number 3 train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.  He snapped a photo and could not believe his eyes.  Could that really be Jesus riding the subway in plain sight of all of the other commuters?

The sun took a massive crap today, unleashing a galactical butt-shower of fire into outer space that's headed our way.