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WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced all of the remaining Democratic presidential debates would occur on Mondays at 3AM. Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denied any involvement in the debate schedule changes, as most Americans accused her of pushing for the scheduling changes to reduce the number of Americans able to watch Clinton debate her more progressive challengers.
One expert is disputing presidential candidate Ben Carson’s absurd claims that he grew up poor and black -- and that he was ever a certified doctor.
Vegas interrupted my debate viewing pleasure a tad, but I got the gist of it. Small government (flashing lights and sounds), lower taxes (cocktail waitress), gut regulations (yellling from the craps table). I can’t stand these debates anymore. Leave me alone, Mr. Winslow! I’m in Vegas researching an important Guinness feature. I like Guinness, much…
Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has formally renounced his American nationality and become a Russian citizen, having become disillusioned with the US stance on yellow wristbands. He now intends to compete for Russia in a number of different disciplines at the Rio Olympics in 2016, such as cycling, rowing, discus, hammer throwing, 100 metres and synchronised swimming.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles)  - Former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann  has proposed a ban on the sale in the U.S. of the Menorah, a candelabrum used in Jewish worship, especially during the observance of Hanukkah. She made the proposal as she called for an intensified effort to convert Jews to Christianity. In the radio program, "Washington Watch,"…
Mumbai – As all of the new potential presidential nominees line up and begin to jockey for position, several well known fact checkers have revealed that there jobs have suddenly been outsourced to India.  It comes as a shock to several long time employees of chubbyfactchecker.com.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, TNA released the results of an in-house study measuring how favorably Americans viewed Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The results showed the longer Hillary Clinton was in the public eye the more Americans recalled why they disliked her, and projected that by November 2016 over 78% of Americans would rather be murdered by blunt force trauma than vote for her.
One of the leaders of the University of Missouri protest group Concerned Student 1950 says that the main source of their discontent is chronic constipation.
‘We were sitting around in a pop-up elevenses bar in Hoxton watching the news when it hit us. If tobacco and ham are supposedly the same now, well, there was only one thing to do,’ explained ‘hamfag’ enthusiast Tobias Ellis-Woods, lighting a smoked ham roll-up as he spoke
oday, a seven-year-old boy named Jonathan Mercy concluded the American healthcare system was immoral and “the s-word.” Jonathan came to his conclusion after his parents — who have no health insurance — went to the local pharmacy to fill a prescription, but were unable to afford...
I make it a rule never to argue with drunks. Not even when I'm drunk myself. But especially not when I'm sober - alcoholic intoxication impairs the ability
(ACPA-Detroit, MI) Dr. Ben "Whispers" Carson admitted today that claims that he spent two years in the Hanoi Hilton in a cell next to John McCain might be an accidental fabrication. "I mentioned in one of my books that my soft spoken voice was a side effect of years of enforced silence as a POW in Vietnam. In a way that is not completely accurate but it's the liberal media who are bringing it up not me."
LAREDO, Texas (The Adobo Chronicles) - Emboldened by the recent ruling of the U.S. Fifth Circuit Court which upheld a lower court decision blocking the implementation of a series of President Obama's executive orders on immigration, Texas today announced that it will build a wall around the state's entire perimeter. A three-judge panel ruled against the…
The Independent revealed yesterday that the British Government has finally prevented the future occurrence of a crime by what is today a preschooler. In an astounding step forward in the ability of any government anywhere to prevent future terrorist acts, Prime Minister D. Cameraon has established new expectations for all civilized nations to better protect their citizens. However...
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Today, every Republican presidential candidate announced his or her mother - or other support figure - would stand next to them during tonight's debate hosted by the Fox Business Network at the Milwaukee Theater. The GOP mothers demanded they be on stage to protect their children from both each other, and the moderators, especially after the last debate hosted by CNBC made their precious little snowflake adult-children have hissy fits.
After a Christian evangelist group expressed outrage over Starbucks' neutral Christmas cups, the company immediately responded by printing new cups that meet the needs of those who wish to have more Christmas in their morning coffee.
The tributes themselves bad been placed in memory of 34 people who had died in a fire which had ripped through the Grand Central shopping mall the previous week, in which a large pile of floral tributes, candles, toys and In Memoriam cards had accumulated in memory of the tragic victims of a fire at the Great Western Arcade the week previously.
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable...

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