Fears were growing last night that pandas, some as old as 5, were pooping too much from all the bamboo they eat, according to scientists.

Clarrisa Melton, age 37 and still single, has been fat all her life. Her mother and father were fat and so were her grandparents who were so large, they both worked in the circus. After many years of watching slim and trim women on TV, and beautiful toned women in magazines, Melton decided to shed her 175 excessive pounds by supporting Barack Obama.

The ink is barely dry on the referendum and now Irish mothers are pressuring their gay sons to get married.

The possiblity looms that the US Supreme Court will abolish the death penalty-Texas does not like it!

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - In a press conference today, President Obama laid out his latest vision for defeating terror in the Middle East and restoring a feeling of safety among Americans here at home. The president seemed more serious in his remarks today, and his rhetoric was the harshest he's used on the subject to date.

To paraphrase the theme of Bill Clinton's 1992 underdog campaign, “It's the exorcism, stupid.”

Kim Jong-chul, older brother of Kim Jong-un, is North Korea's No. 1 'Swiftie,' and attended a Taylor Swift concert in England. By John Glynn, Humor Times.

A group of scientists from the UK and Canada have disclosed that they have indisputably proved that Bob is not, in fact, your uncle, leading to widespread existential crises in the Commonwealth. "We truly wish it were otherwise," said Niles Anderson, of the University of Toronto. "Because now it the world seems a lot more difficult as a result. Bob made everything much easier, in principle at least."

(The Barbed Wire) - Speaking on Face the Nation this morning, Republican presidential candidate phenom, Jeb! Bush, said he hated being the front-runner in the early days of the presidential race. He much prefers the comfortable 5-6% polling zone that he has found himself in for months now.

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) - Donald Trump today officially declared that he is running for president of the United States, vowing to "make this country great again." What a great campaign motto. But there is one problem.  Trump is now being accused by former Philippines First Lady Imelda Romualdez Marcos of plagiarizing her late husband,…

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox News entertainers Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly were detained by the New York City Police Department (NYPD) for stalking a black Santa Claus down Sixth Avenue and serenading him with the Christmas song "White Christmas." Fox News and the NYPD have both released statements declaring neither O'Reilly or Kelly was arrested, though witnesses claimed Bill O'Reilly came close to being arrested for "pushing his luck" with the officers.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The United States announced today is was putting "great effort" into "being more stupid than Russia is crazy" by risking war with Russia over Ukraine. President Obama said his administration would continue sending American military forces to NATO members in Eastern Europe so long as Russia continued to deploy more troops on its border with Ukraine.

Every year, ESPN The Magazine pays tribute to the sculpted bodies of the athletic world in their "The Body Issue." And this year, they're adding one more special edition issue to the mix with their "Offensive Linemen Edition," due out in September.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for "picking on" her bankster friends who run the financial institutions responsible for the 2008 economic crisis. Clinton took serious issue with Sanders' plan to break up commercial and investment banks, because that would prevent her bankster pals from using the bank deposits of regular Americans to make extremely risky investments and stick American taxpayers with the bill when they lose big.

Donald Trump has had a rough month. After making racist remarks about Mexicans, the GOP presidential candidate and real estate tycoon lost his TV deal with Univision and had his menswear line at Macy's dumped. But Trump is anything but a defeatist, and his staff says he's now "en fuego."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, TNA released the results of a study on what would happen if a federal building was seized by a group of armed Black Americans last weekend. Its conclusion was if such a group seized a federal building and its members dared federal authorities to attack them their funerals would be ending right about now.

BOONE, IOWA (The Nil Admirari): The campaign of Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has been selling illegal fireworks by a roadside in Boone, Iowa for the last few days. Graham stated his struggling campaign was "thinking outside the box" for ways to raise money and allow Iowans to meet him in person.

GUAYAQUIL, Equador (The Adobo Chronicles®) - Pope Francis starts his 7-day trip to three countries in South America, with a clear message to Donald Trump. The Roman Catholic Pontiff urged the countries of Ecuador, Bolivia and Paraguay to boycott the Miss Universe pageant over owner Trump's disparaging remarks about Mexican immigrants to the U.S. The real…

Observers from around the globe were surprised and saddened on Monday to find that a giant shadow had been cast over the Earth.

Actor and comedian said sitting around complaining to Larry King about kids today while waiting for the statute of limitations to kick in "was one of the most rewarding distractions of my career."