WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would wag her dominate index finger at every Wall Street CEO to attend a fundraising dinner this evening in East Hampton, New York. Clinton declared her wagging finger would put the corruption of Wall Street on notice, and prevent another economic crisis just like her "cut it out" discussion with Wall Street in December 2007 averted the 2008 economic crisis.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates condemned Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for publicly declaring he planned to feed the hungry, as well as help the poor, sick, elderly, and other struggling Americans. The Republican field was unanimous in its derision of the socialist policies espoused by Sanders, which would treat the most vulnerable Americans as actual people and respected members of the nation's community.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton proactively branded every American who refused to vote for her "a sexist." Clinton asserted if anyone disagreed with her on policy they were "likely a sexist," but any American who did not vote for her was "definitely a sexist."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Obama Administration announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal President Obama intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to unknowingly purchase poisonous food. The White House explained companies located in other TPP nations will be able to sue the United States for having higher food safety standards, and force their poisonous food into the American market by citing "unfair protection of consumers."

Queen Accused of Breaking Wind During Two Minute Silence at Cenotaph. Royal Fart Widely Condemned as Disrespectful - Not to Mention Noxious - to Britain's War Dead and Military Veterans.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was drafting all of her campaign donors between the ages of 18 and 25 for ground combat roles in the war she planned to fight against the Islamic State (ISIS) following her inauguration in 2017. Clinton touted her gender inclusiveness in the process, and noted both men and women were being automatically volunteered for military service to fight in her future Middle East wars of choice.

Beginning July 1, the nation’s largest retailer will venture into cosmetic surgery for the first time when Walmart begins offering Breast Enhancement Surgery at all Super Walmart locations

Fears were growing last night that pandas, some as old as 5, were pooping too much from all the bamboo they eat, according to scientists.

Clarrisa Melton, age 37 and still single, has been fat all her life. Her mother and father were fat and so were her grandparents who were so large, they both worked in the circus. After many years of watching slim and trim women on TV, and beautiful toned women in magazines, Melton decided to shed her 175 excessive pounds by supporting Barack Obama.

The ink is barely dry on the referendum and now Irish mothers are pressuring their gay sons to get married.

The possiblity looms that the US Supreme Court will abolish the death penalty-Texas does not like it!

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - In a press conference today, President Obama laid out his latest vision for defeating terror in the Middle East and restoring a feeling of safety among Americans here at home. The president seemed more serious in his remarks today, and his rhetoric was the harshest he's used on the subject to date.

To paraphrase the theme of Bill Clinton's 1992 underdog campaign, “It's the exorcism, stupid.”

Kim Jong-chul, older brother of Kim Jong-un, is North Korea's No. 1 'Swiftie,' and attended a Taylor Swift concert in England. By John Glynn, Humor Times.

A group of scientists from the UK and Canada have disclosed that they have indisputably proved that Bob is not, in fact, your uncle, leading to widespread existential crises in the Commonwealth. "We truly wish it were otherwise," said Niles Anderson, of the University of Toronto. "Because now it the world seems a lot more difficult as a result. Bob made everything much easier, in principle at least."

(The Barbed Wire) - Speaking on Face the Nation this morning, Republican presidential candidate phenom, Jeb! Bush, said he hated being the front-runner in the early days of the presidential race. He much prefers the comfortable 5-6% polling zone that he has found himself in for months now.

MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) - Donald Trump today officially declared that he is running for president of the United States, vowing to "make this country great again." What a great campaign motto. But there is one problem.  Trump is now being accused by former Philippines First Lady Imelda Romualdez Marcos of plagiarizing her late husband,…

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox News entertainers Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly were detained by the New York City Police Department (NYPD) for stalking a black Santa Claus down Sixth Avenue and serenading him with the Christmas song "White Christmas." Fox News and the NYPD have both released statements declaring neither O'Reilly or Kelly was arrested, though witnesses claimed Bill O'Reilly came close to being arrested for "pushing his luck" with the officers.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): The United States announced today is was putting "great effort" into "being more stupid than Russia is crazy" by risking war with Russia over Ukraine. President Obama said his administration would continue sending American military forces to NATO members in Eastern Europe so long as Russia continued to deploy more troops on its border with Ukraine.

Ignorance of a subject doesn't stop Pope Francis from weighing in. Next encyclical: Kinky sex tips for Catholic couples...WorldsWisestOwl.com