STILLWATER, MINNESOTA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN-6) announced she had discovered dozens of phallic shaped objects in the bottom drawer of her husband Marcus's dresser. Bachmann explained her husband told her the objects were rockets to take them to Heaven once President Obama fulfilled his role to take the world into the End Times and bring about the Second Coming of Christ.

Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose will take part in a live televised sex foursome to bury the hatchet and make peace.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - If elected president of the United States, Republican candidate Donald Trump says he will deport all 11 million undocumented immigrants now living in the country.  And he wants to do more. He says he will seek to change the 14th Amendment that gives citizenship rights to all individuals born…

PROVO, UT — Provo Times-Union columnist Jeff Dailey wrote an undeniably terrible column about Cam Newton following Super…

"Did anybody count how many thin people were in that queue?" Jessie Krufts, Twitter Troll

NEW YORK, New York (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Pfizer, the same drug manufacturing company that distributes viagra, the erectile dysfunction pill for men, has announced that it is now recruiting participants for Phase 3 clinical trials on a new investigative drug that could reverse homosexuality. The New York-based company told reporters that it has successfully completed…

BEIJING, CHINA & NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, China announced its stock market would be going on a vacation and the Ministry of Finance would be releasing "highly accurate" stock numbers. Wall Street praised the announcement and continued to encourage Americans to purchase highly inflated stocks before everyone ran out of tricks to hide the symptoms of another looming global economic crisis.

DES MOINES, Iowa (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - Nothing will stop Donald Trump's desperate quest to become the next president of the United States -- not Hillary Clinton, not the Mexicans, not the Chinese, not Fox News' Megyn Kelly, not Jorge Ramos, not CNN. Not even fellow Republican candidate Ben Carson. Latest numbers coming out of…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a senior campaign staffer close to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton confirmed a popular psychic from the late 1990s named "Miss Cleo" had warned Mrs. Clinton of a "horrible Berning in 2016." Clinton laughed at questions from the press about the private discussion she took part in with Miss Cleo, and stated she was "not very concerned about any psychic reading I allegedly received this morning."

Gulf coast lifeguard Matt Trist is refusing to enter the ocean along the Alabama coast where he works. He is telling his employer that he will only submerge himself in holy water and that "anything else infringes upon his religious freedom."

Is main bidder for BBC weather forecasting contract involved in manipulating weather to fix outcome of sporting events for shady Far Eastern betting syndicates? Amazing claims made by investigative journalist!

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - General Motors, a person who confessed to killing over 100 people using a defective ignition switch in automobiles it manufactured, agreed to pay $900 million yesterday. This morning, GM announced it was "very sorry" for the first degree murders it was responsible for committing over more than a decade, and asserted a trial resulting in either life in prison or the death penalty was not a realistic criminal penalty for the type of person it was.

Vatican City – Pope Francis, ahead of a visit to the United States starting September 22nd, has wasted no time in creating a wave of hope for the God fearing church goers as well as the sinful dirty atheists.  

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Adobo Chronicles® ) - The National Aeoronautics and Space Administration (NASA) is expected to announce on Monday that scientists have discovered on the surface of the red planet what appears to be debris from earth. NASA is preparing to reveal  the “major science finding” in a special news conference that will take place at…

Ahmed Mohamed, the Texas youth who was suspended for bringing to class a homemade clock said to resemble a bomb, has now constructed a “fully automatic” pencil sharpener.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study regarding guns being used for personal protection was released. The data concluded most Americans were not important enough to have to worry about ever using a gun for self-defense, and discovered most Americans who believed they needed a gun for self-defense had poor reasoning skills, overestimated their importance, and were suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

Colorado Springs, CO – Colorado and Washington voted ‘yes’ to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Other states are taking notice.

Are Man's Trousers Haunted by Evil Spirit of Sex Offender? Exorcism Performed on Possessed Pantaloons Following Paranormal Phenomena in Groin Area, Including Ectoplasm and Bizarre Bulging!

One of the leaders of the University of Missouri protest group Concerned Student 1950 says that the main source of their discontent is chronic constipation.

PHOENIX, ARIZONA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and extremely bored billionaire Donald Trump invited Black Lives Matter activists to his "Dogs & Fire Hoses Rally" in Phoenix later this week in order to open a dialogue. Trump supporters are being encouraged to bring breeds of dogs usually used by law enforcement agencies from home - if they have them - to facilitate the exchange of ideas during the rally, but Black Lives Matter activists in Phoenix have told TNA they were told to only bring themselves.