TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont requested the Republican-led Select Committee on Benghazi send him a subpoena to answer questions about the September 2012 attack. Sanders asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04) - the committee's chair - to have him grilled during a hyper-partisan hearing after seeing how the inept Republicans running the kangaroo committee made his presidential opponent former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stronger.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates condemned Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for publicly declaring he planned to feed the hungry, as well as help the poor, sick, elderly, and other struggling Americans. The Republican field was unanimous in its derision of the socialist policies espoused by Sanders, which would treat the most vulnerable Americans as actual people and respected members of the nation's community.

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush promised Americans he would never admit the war in Iraq was a mistake, because he felt "the history book people" would eventually agree his administration's decision to willingly lie about a pretext to invade another sovereign country "was totally okay." Bush was adamant about never admitting the invasion - and subsequent unplanned occupation - of Iraq was a massive mistake only a day after former British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the war in Iraq.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton proactively branded every American who refused to vote for her "a sexist." Clinton asserted if anyone disagreed with her on policy they were "likely a sexist," but any American who did not vote for her was "definitely a sexist."

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Around noon today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson compared his lunch salad to slavery. The midday meal complaint followed Carson's increasingly common pattern of comparing things he disliked to slavery.

BOULDER, COLORADO (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced tonight's presidential debate on CNBC will focus on continuing the flawed economic policies that have made wealthy Americans staggeringly wealthier over the last 35 years. In order to effectively reinforce the debate's plutocratic theme, CNBC announced it will not allow Americans to livestream the debate unless they have an overpriced cable or satellite subscription that includes the network.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) officially lost the Republican contest to not be Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. Speaker Ryan garnered 236 votes to succeed John Boehner (R-OH-01), and declared his defeat to what he described as "one of the most shameful American legislative bodies in our history" prior to threatening all of America with what was to come.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will dress up as a Walmart cashier for Halloween. Clinton declared her costume selection was meant to inform Americans she sat on Walmart's board of directors from 1986 to 1992, and was complicit in outsourcing American jobs to foreign sweatshops while she actively worked against labor unions.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush was widely criticized for his latest jobs plan failing to get presidential rival Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) back to work. Bush's plan was declared "a complete failure" by conservative and liberal observers alike for its exclusive reliance on guilt, and failure to give Rubio any incentives to get back to work.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, presumptuous Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering Dick Cheney for her old job at the U.S. Department of State. Clinton explained Cheney "made sense" as Secretary of State since her foreign policy would resemble the Cheney-inspired preemptive war policy used by President George W. Bush, and pointed to her consistent record of wanting to go to war with countries predominantly located in the Middle East and North Africa.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, staffers representing most of the Republican presidential candidates met to discuss the demands they will make of all future debates, but the meeting quickly focused on ponies. Staffers agreed every candidate should have a debate animal to sit on, and a majority of the presidential campaigns voted for debate ponies.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the White House received a letter from its enemy the Islamic State expressing the Islamic extremist group's gratitude for additional American military equipment, which it had easily captured from the fleeing Iraqi military. President Obama quickly responded to the letter of thanks from the Islamic State by warning Iraq "the arms gift shop is closed until Iraqis stop regifting American weapons of war to the Islamic State."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study revealed the United States has a dangerous surplus of self-proclaimed Second Amendment experts that are virtually all pro-gun, and feel obligated to defend the right to bear arms no matter how many people are killed by firearms. A startling 63% of Americans claimed to be Second Amendment experts, and virtually everyone in that group lacked the proper education required to substantiate such a claim.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the real purpose of Area 51 was to house his original brain, and a colony of Sasquatches. Carson's statement followed his declaration earlier in the week he still believed the true purpose of the pyramids in Egypt was to store grain.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, many of the Republican presidential candidates criticized their Democratic counterparts following the Democratic Forum held at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina last night. The main criticism - by far - was the lack of infantile hatred of both their fellow Americans and the constitutional government of the United States whenever the Democrats did not get what they wanted.

MOBILE, ALABAMA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a seven-year-old boy named Jonathan Mercy concluded the American healthcare system was immoral and "the s-word." Jonathan came to his conclusion after his parents - who have no health insurance - went to the local pharmacy to fill a prescription, but were unable to afford the $13,000 price tag for a month's supply of a drug his mother needed to treat her cancer.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Obama Administration announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal President Obama intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to unknowingly purchase poisonous food. The White House explained companies located in other TPP nations will be able to sue the United States for having higher food safety standards, and force their poisonous food into the American market by citing "unfair protection of consumers."

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Today, every Republican presidential candidate announced his or her mother - or other support figure - would stand next to them during tonight's debate hosted by the Fox Business Network at the Milwaukee Theater. The GOP mothers demanded they be on stage to protect their children from both each other, and the moderators, especially after the last debate hosted by CNBC made their precious little snowflake adult-children have hissy fits.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, TNA released the results of an in-house study measuring how favorably Americans viewed Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The results showed the longer Hillary Clinton was in the public eye the more Americans recalled why they disliked her, and projected that by November 2016 over 78% of Americans would rather be murdered by blunt force trauma than vote for her.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced all of the remaining Democratic presidential debates would occur on Mondays at 3AM. Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denied any involvement in the debate schedule changes, as most Americans accused her of pushing for the scheduling changes to reduce the number of Americans able to watch Clinton debate her more progressive challengers.