The government has caused further controversy this morning by announcing that its appeal against the High Court's ruling on Article 50 will not be heard by the Supreme Court but by Mary Berry, Mel and Sue, the former stars of The Great British Bake Off.
Fears of a huge influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria have given way to indignation after a poll showed workers from the two countries are preparing to 'avoid Britain like the plague', when movement restrictions are eased later this year.
In what is being described as another ‘bizarre’ attempt to sabotage her own campaign, Hillary Clinton has desecrated a series of beloved US symbols, including punching a bison, setting fire to the Stars & Stripes and spitting at Jerry Seinfield. The Presidential hopeful seems determined to make a series of unprovoked errors, not least of...
The Board of Shakespeare’s Globe have reassured audiences of their mission to produce shows of ‘mind-numbing tweeness’, purposely designed to send your average GCSE Literature student into a spiral of self-harm. Renewing their commitment to Shakespearean traditions, all staff will be expected to adhere to a life expectancy of 40, rats as pets, and a...
Economists and eminent human rights lawyers alike have this week applauded the British stance on re-settling refugees from the Calais ‘jungle’. Professor Donald Rosarch from the Denver School for Human Rights Law mused ‘We admire the wisdom of western nations with aging populations angrily rejecting cohorts of fit young men and boys, none of whom...
A suspicious package found on the London Underground has been identified by police. A spokessnifferdog from British Transport Police’s anti-terror unit issued the following clarifying statement: “A package discovered on Saturday by a passenger at the eastern end of the Westbound platform at Clapham South station on the Northern line was regarded as suspicious. British...
'The big puzzle is how on earth we can pay for it? How on Earth can a hugely wealthy woman obtain a yacht? If only we knew of a really wealthy family that could stump up the money for a royal yacht, but nope, nobody could think of one.'
Following the success of the 'Cardboard Constable' programme – where cardboard cut-outs of police traffic officers were placed at accident black spots – Police Scotland have announced a new road safety programme. Unofficially known as 'Pretendy Police', the scheme will involve offering fake 'blues and twos' to motorists with white cars.
Mel and Sue have been named as the new joint manager of the England football team, after the FA agreed that they were already so rich as to be incorruptible and their total lack of knowledge of the game should not be an obstacle, as it had not been to the last five. ‘We are...
Reaching out to disgruntled Labour voters and the ex-wives of Brad Pitt, the Liberal Democrat leader claimed his was the only centre-left party that had enjoyed Lara Croft 2. Speaking to his conference Mr. Farron said that he could offer Miss Jolie the same raw sexual magnetism as a Mr. Pitt, but with more ‘proportional representation’.
After its success in highlighting hidden domestic abuse and controlling behaviour, the Archers new plot will involve bringing peace to the warring regions of the Syrian border.
Occasionally controversial broadcaster, Channel 4, has today revealed that its new set for the twee, middle-class family favourite ‘The Great British Bake-Off’, will be the crack house of its now defunct popular soap opera, Brookside. ‘It shouldn’t be a problem adjusting the set to be honest’ revealed a Channel 4 source. ‘There’s plenty of old...
The National Federation of Builders has slammed the new £5 note which cannot be written on with one of those weird, flat, soft pencils.
It was a system of compulsory metalwork, grim lavatories, underage pregnancy (despite domestic science for girls) and victimisation of RE teachers, in which a majority of children learned to smoke, fight boredom and each other, avoid work and despair of self advancement. Which is why a return to the era in which most children were...
Beijing officials have been left red-faced by the discovery that their 430m-long bridge, costing $3.4m, was constructed without a screen protector. Having used iPhone glass technology, the Zhangjiajie bridge is to be closed for repairs or until the end of its 36 month contract – whichever is longer. Like an iPhone the bridge was designed...
'To suggest that black men dance like that is offensive,' said a spokesman, suggesting that the Morris Dancers 'learn to loosen up a bit and get down.'
Gold medals are easier to attain than they used to be, say critics, who have called for the introduction of a Gold Plus medal.
The Home Office has hailed a fivefold increase in reported cases of slavery as a triumph in deregulation and free-market douchebaggery, with the Prime Minister promising to defeat modern slavery by returning to more traditional forms; such as indentured servitude - or the London rental market as it is known.