The White House is set to be redeveloped into a multistory leisure/business complex if property developer Donald Trump becomes president, secret documents seen by this newspaper say.
The most gruntabulest female tennis player on the international tennis grunting circuit admitted last night to taking substances to increase her grunts, according to Maria Sharapova, once 24.
Donald Trump, the failed University lecturer, has the heaviest supporters of all US political parties, scales showed last night.
"I studied at Trump University and I give it A++. No. I'm joking. I didn't." Jessie Krufts, Lawyer
"Sigh. Why is it never 1960s Batman?" Fred Flunkee, Archivist
Borises involved with the referendum, which is set to decide whether Britain stays or leaves the EU, made clear last night that if you vote Out it means you want to get out of Europe, and a vote In means you want to stay in, although you can't actually vote in or out, according to a reader who has seen the referendum question printed on the polling paper.
Strawberry jam, Britonses favourite jam, will no longer taste like it does today, but much better when we leave Europe, whispered an increasingly wild eyed Iain Duncan Smith today.
"I would have been happy with a woof rather than a yap." Jessie Krufts, Pancake Flipper
Tim Cook, the leader of Apple, has said he is happy to be water boarded if it comes to it after his company refused to help the FBI in what many are saying is a marketing stunt gone too far.
"Hmm. Is there a doggie wine list at the restaurant? Or do they always have water but they can choose the bowl?" Fred Flunkee, Dogger
A Donald Trump supporter is proudly showing off his new tattoo of the Republican front runner in tabloids across the globe, it appeared when we looked in other tabloids as we don't have it in ours.
"You talkin to me?" Fred Flunkee, Robert De Niro Impersonator
Pet rabbits around the the world are being arbitrarily detained and can claim compensation from their owners. That's the shocking verdict delivered today from the United Nations.
David Cameron, still the prime minister, has sorted that Europe thing out he said he would, according to David Cameron today.
"Ew! Naked yoga!" Fred Flunkee, Old Timer
Hopes that the Eurovision Song Contest will have a three hour silence in place of it's entire show as a sign of respect for one of Britain's greatest broadcasters was growing today only hours after the announcement of the death of Sir Terry Wogan.
A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS:
Hairy Bears Bikers Club, Sagittarius Horoscope Of the Year So Far, 2016
Gay Fellowship Of Chicken Pluckers Pink Scatter Cushion For The Accuracy Of Outrageous Predictions 2015
Hairy Bears Bikers Club, Sagittarius Horoscope Of the Year So Far, 2016
Gay Fellowship Of Chicken Pluckers Pink Scatter Cushion For The Accuracy Of Outrageous Predictions 2015
"Manni will have a forearm like Popeye's if he keeps that up." Kent Rugby, Gym Instructor
"My look is called 'Singing Barber Of The 1930s.'" Fred Flunkee, Retired Bargain Bin Man
Twitter was criticised today after some smart alec parodied the #OscarsSoWhite Twitter trend last week, following record snow falls in eastern US states.