TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - In the wake of yet another senseless mass shooting in America, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced its presidential candidates had pledged to make every future campaign event - including debates - a "mandatory gun zone" to show their support for a gross misreading of the Second Amendment. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus denied Republican candidates were forced to choose whether to support the mandatory gun zone edict or drop out of the race, and declared candidates were required to give a gun to any supporter that showed up at a campaign event...

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican presidential campaign of former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced Jeb would wear a shock collar "to prevent him from speaking, which is not in his best interest if he wants to win the White House." The transition to a "nonverbal campaign" followed a rising slew of insensitive, politically tone deaf comments that showed Jeb to be completely out of touch with reality, and the majority of the American people.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study regarding guns being used for personal protection was released. The data concluded most Americans were not important enough to have to worry about ever using a gun for self-defense, and discovered most Americans who believed they needed a gun for self-defense had poor reasoning skills, overestimated their importance, and were suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street released a statement to the American people urging them "to invest every last penny they could find in the stock market." The Wall Street proclamation promised Americans the stock market was "completely solid and not grossly overvalued due to market manipulation," and that it would "never go down in value."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News loose canon Bill O'Reilly stated the government giving corporations "free stuff" was patriotic, but the government giving the American people "free stuff" was "absolute socialism" and "outrageously anti-American." O'Reilly presented his "fair and balanced" strongly held, fact-challenged insights on "free stuff" during the entertainment network's morning show "Fox & Friends," and railed against Democrats in general, and Hillary Clinton and "that terrible socialist" Bernie Sanders, specifically.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the campaign of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced the candidate was under the influence of shrooms when she voiced opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) yesterday. Hillary Clinton confirmed she ingested "a lot" of shrooms just before claiming she opposed TPP, and confessed it would be ridiculous for Americans to believe such a statement in light of her negotiating and promoting of TPP as Secretary of State - and continuing to promote TPP after resigning.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, teabaggers in the House of Representatives stated they "didn't care" who was the next Speaker of the House and announced their intention to burn down the Capitol Building after years of failing to completely paralyze the government, make it default on its debts, and destroy the American economy. The teabagging members of Congress explained they "were tired" of trying to use "unAmerican and unpatriotic law-based methods" to impose their uncompromising extreme-right objectives on the country, and were "being forced to burn down the Capitol Building by Repu

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was going to legally change her name to "Bernie Sanders." Clinton's decision to change her name followed weeks of her claiming to have exactly the same progressive positions as rival Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who continued to gain on Clinton in various polls of likely Democratic primary voters.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced he "wouldn't just stand there" if a nuclear warhead was dropped on him. Carson stated he "didn't care" whether the nuclear warhead "came from Russia or Ethiopa or wherever," because he "would stop it" and not allow himself "to become a victim like all those unarmed Americans who have died in America's plague of mass shootings."

SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Syrian civilians who have not fled their war-torn country declared they largely did not know what air strikes were "friendly" and what air strikes were "hostile." They also explained Russia's bombing of Syria had made identifying whether civilians were being killed by a "friendly air strike" or a "hostile air strike" even more difficult.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04) - chairman of the eighth Select Committee on Benghazi - announced his lawyers had instructed him to begin practicing the phrase "I plead the Fifth." The legal advice followed allegations Gowdy may have violated federal law when he fired Benghazi investigator Maj. Bradley Podliska - an active member of the Air Force Reserve who criticized Gowdy's investigation for focusing primarily on Hillary Clinton - and may have violated federal law again when he tried to discredit Podliska by releasing confidential information...

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations announced it was exiling former Governor Lincoln Chafee to Block Island, located approximately 13 miles south of the Rhode Island coast, following his performance at last night's Democratic presidential debate. Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo announced Chaffee - who was also mayor of the state's second largest city before representing Rhode Island as a US Senator - was being exiled due to a public outcry in response to his "highly embarrassing...

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced the formation of Brownshirts for Trump, an elite club for his most enthusiastic supporters. The Republican frontrunner explained members of the Brownshirts will wear brown shirts and engage in political outreach operations - mainly at night - to interact with non-Trump supporters, those with "anti-American political ideas," and "anyone who doesn't look American."

THE KREMLIN (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin announced he was running for the Republican presidential nomination due to how much his policies overlapped with those of the GOP. Putin's announcement elicited immediate gushing from Republicans and the right-wing propaganda networks that have praised Putin's strength and intelligence for years while they condemned President Obama for not starting a war with Russia over regional conflicts.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would wag her dominate index finger at every Wall Street CEO to attend a fundraising dinner this evening in East Hampton, New York. Clinton declared her wagging finger would put the corruption of Wall Street on notice, and prevent another economic crisis just like her "cut it out" discussion with Wall Street in December 2007 averted the 2008 economic crisis.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush confessed he didn't actually know what the word "safe" meant until today. The revealing admission followed Jeb's incessant statements asserting his brother - former President George W. Bush - "kept us safe" despite nearly 3,000 Americans being killed in the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, House Republican budget talks quickly collapsed over a dispute about what types of donut holes should be available on the conference table for breakfast. Establishment Republicans reached an impasse with the Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party Caucus over plain donut holes and jelly donut holes, respectfully.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, climate change scientists reframed their argument to appeal to Republicans by releasing "Oceans Invading U.S," a new documentary film warning Americans about a slow, insidious invasion of American soil by tyrannical oceans that surround the United States. TNA viewed the 10-minute film, which asserted, "true patriots must defend America by starving the communist-fascist oceans of an anti-American, possibly Muslim, substance called carbon dioxide."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden announced he would not run to be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2016. Biden cited a phone call "from some great friends on Wall Street," who told him former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had already won the Democratic Party's contest to be Wall Street's puppet in the White House.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ignored all questions from the Select Committee on Benghazi, which infuriated Republican committee members. Rather than listening to and answering questions, Clinton gave the whole event very low priority and sat calmly in her chair as she read a children's book by the name of "The Pet Goat."