TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and emotionally unstable billionaire Donald Trump told his Caucasian supporters they will have lower wages when he becomes president, but not as low as groups like Blacks, Hispanics, and/or Muslims. Trump promised American Caucasians a reward for their ongoing refusal to join with Americans of other races and religious creeds to demand better wages and working conditions, namely by having those groups to look down on and feel superior to.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced her 2016 resolution was to "completely destroy" U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her primary challenger for the party's presidential nomination. Clinton asserted she wanted to tear down Sanders, and everything he ever loved, while also desiring to "seem nice doing it" so her already upside-down likability numbers did not go even lower.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the conservative think tank Work Harder, America (WHA) released the results of a study on tax cuts for the wealthy, and government services cuts for the vast majority of Americans. The study clearly showed the wealthy paying less in taxes had nothing to do with tax revenue shortfalls that gave conservatives a pretext to assert government budgets must be balanced by austerity measures targeting critical services like education, food assistance, healthcare, and infrastructure.

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the struggling Republican presidential campaign of neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the candidate would not be available to the press for the entire day. The press was waiting for planned remarks from Dr. Carson when reporters were told he had lost his pants while hunting a unicorn in his kitchen.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump declared he was very afraid U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - a Democratic presidential candidate - will steal his supporters away by offering Americans actual solutions to the issues they are so angry and frustrated about. Trump criticized Sanders for attempting to expose him as the billionaire fraud he actually was, and giving Americans rational alternatives to punitive non-solutions based on hate and fear.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the results of a TNA study were released and showed over 67% of Americans were eager for a new ground war in the Middle East, which will initially target the Islamic State (ISIS) before putting Iran in its sights. The hawkish Americans asserted there should always be money for war, and American citizens should have to pay the price of funding the overseas empire with cuts to social safety net programs, education, infrastructure, and healthcare, among many other things.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas both claimed to be the person who wanted to curb the most civil liberties. The two privately conceded it was critical for the eventual Republican presidential nominee to secure the block of conservative voters that routinely claimed a Democratic president was taking their freedoms away, but enthusiastically volunteered their freedoms to a Republican president while caught up in a nationalistic fervor.

EAST PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Today, conservative Uncle Dick Goop gave himself immunity from having to provide evidence in support of his political arguments while he attended a Christmas dinner at his mother-in-law's house. Goop, a resident of neighboring Massachusetts, refused to grant such immunity to any of his progressive family members, whom he hounded mercilessly to provide evidence for everything they said.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox News entertainers Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly were detained by the New York City Police Department (NYPD) for stalking a black Santa Claus down Sixth Avenue and serenading him with the Christmas song "White Christmas." Fox News and the NYPD have both released statements declaring neither O'Reilly or Kelly was arrested, though witnesses claimed Bill O'Reilly came close to being arrested for "pushing his luck" with the officers.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he was "giving America an early Christmas present" and suspended his campaign. Trump confessed his presidential run was the type of theater only a master political satirist like him could pull off, and chastised his supporters for thinking such a detestable and bigoted character should be President of the Unites States of America.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the largest corporate media outlets in the United States announced they were "working very, very hard" on a plan to continue trying to make U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont look unelectable in 2016 even when he started to win states and delegates in the Democratic Party presidential primaries. The corporate propaganda syndicate conceded its efforts to ignore and portray Bernie Sanders as unelectable had, thus far, failed to convince many Americans of the inevitability of Hillary Clinton - the pro-war, pro-fear, and status quo candidate considered t

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania declared the only way to stop male Caucasians from using their guns and dangerous right-wing ideology in acts of domestic terrorism was to put women back in the kitchen. Santorum pledged to stop right-wing terrorism, and urged American women to help him by quickly finding a husband, having more kids, and getting reacquainted with working in their home, especially kitchen.

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, avid Fox News viewer and Glenn Beck listener Nora Jolly declared she was outraged no one was stopping her from saying "Merry Christmas." Jolly - a casual church-goer who prefers to converse with God directly - told TNA she actively attempted to start multiple fights with unfortunate cashiers and other consumers at well-known department stores near her home, and no one told her she could not use the Christmas pleasantry.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed reports he had been sexting with Russian President Vladimir Putin for over six months. Governor of Ohio John Kasich - a rival Republican presidential candidate, who refuses to make public the "very troubling" sexts - discovered the long-term sexting relationship between Trump and Putin after becoming convinced he should investigate the relationship between the two after days of them being very complimentary of each other in the media.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it was changing its name to "Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016," and publicly committed itself to destroying the campaign of U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont "by any means necessary." Debbie Wasserman Schultz declared she was already using her position as chair of the DNC's successor organization to cripple the Sanders campaign by restricting its access to critical voter information it needed to contact and mobilize its supporters.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA released the results of a survey of Donald Trump supporters to discover their primary reason for supporting the billionaire Republican presidential candidate. Just over 93% of the surveyed Trump supporters confessed they wanted "someone cool" to have a few drinks with prior to a busy night of assaulting suspected Muslims, as well as anyone seemingly not white, Christian, and/or American enough.

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an anonymous high-ranking source inside the Turkish government informed TNA that Turkey was illegally purchasing oil from small businessmen wearing all-black clothing. The source asserted many of the small businessmen were very likely active members of the Islamic State (ISIS), a charge Turkey quickly denied.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA released a report following its consultation with Second Amendment experts from every academic corner of the United States regarding the "well regulated militia." The scholars confirmed the Second Amendment was not referring to treasonous militias formed in a friend's backyard to overthrow the government, but well-regulated militias run by state governments.

NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an American society boasting informed, healthy citizens dismissed the rantings of Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists, who either denied the December 14th, 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School took place, or asserted it was a false flag operation perpetrated by the federal government as a pretext to seize guns. Americans united against such naked extremism, because their society was not rotting from the inside out due to racial and religious conflicts stoked by the rich and exacerbated by protracted catastrophic economic...

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the largest corporate media outlets in the United States confessed they were purposely ignoring U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - a Democratic presidential candidate - as much as they could. The corporate media syndicate asserted Sanders was "too serious" about running for president, and his focus on all the negative characteristics of the United States made him "too pessimistic and objective" for an American public that must focus on being afraid of terrorism, conformity to the status quo, celebrity drama, and... Donald Trump.